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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hello @Zoe7. Well, this is most unusual for this butterfly to be around in my part of the world. What a lovely delight to see you here.

I'm doing ok thanks. Been a tough week but I'm bouncing back a little quicker than before and just getting on with the next thing. I've got more energy and I've started walking 4x week. My day today has been quite productive as I've joined a women's group (largely feminist except for me) recently promoting a cause close to my heart & we had a big strategy meeting today.

I'm home now with the 2 boy cats. How are you today? I know it's been really difficult of late for you.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Really still taking one day at a time @Sans911. I was lucky enough to have a great chat with someone yesterday as there is a lot I can't write on here - so that chance to discuss a few things privately really helped. I am getting more sleep lately but along with that comes the nightmares - so it really is a double-edged sword most nights. I am hoping in time the nightmares will lessen but I also know there is no quick fix

It is lovely to hear you are 'bouncing back quicker than before', have more energy and joined a women's group - all of those things show me how very far you have come - well done you

How are your cats getting on?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Zoe7-despite me being a little better, I'm still taking things one day at a time. I'm unable to set anything more than minimal goals, and even those aren't set in concrete. They are very fluid. Work is very much out of the question for some time yet. The cats are getting along much better but they aren't best buddies yet. And unfortunately by adding another cat, my older cat has largely rejected me and spends most of his time away from me. This I find quite distressing & can only hope in time he comes back to me.

I'm pleased to hear you managed to talk to someone about things that have been concerning you. We all need that, MI or not. And sleep can never be underestimated; it's a shame it's affected by nightmares. Perhaps there will a time, like you say, where they will lessen or cease to exist.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I have had the same goals to work towards for the last few weeks @Sans911 but the last bout of illness - and the events of this week - have certainly hampered any attempts at those. I don't see my pdoc this week as she is away - so that gives me a little more time to do what I need to do before seeing her again. Time is definitely one thing I have a loy of LOL - work is very much out of the question for me too but still holding out a little hope that I can get back to it in some form one day (just don't know when that day will be but at this stage it is too far in the distance to even think about )

I hop you cat comes back to you soon - they do often take some time to adjust when another little fluffball is added - my cat rules the house but it took her some time to get used to Toby...

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

G'night @Sans911 @Zoe7 ❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - goodnight lil Sis 💛 💛 💜 💙 💚 ❤️

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

good night @outlander

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning to my sisters @Snowie & @outlander & @Former-Member & @Bunniekins

I hope your Sunday is okish

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

BunniekinsSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 Good morning to you too Sans911 hoping you are having a lovely Sunday morning 😄 xx

Morning also to @Shaz51@outlander@Zoe7@Snowie wishing you all a peaceful and caring day.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning sis @Sans911, hope today is good for you

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