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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hoping your appts are going ok @Sans911 💕

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - dental appt was easy. I have a plate that was a bit loose. It just needed adjustment.

I'm on my way out to physio in a few minutes. I hope your day has been okish.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CheerBearSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Finally getting around to catching up on some notifications @Sans911. Not much more to add except sending you bucket loads of these 💗 It sucks when helpful becomes/is not helpful and/or harmful. I have been having a bit of a share of it in a way myself at the moment and did a bit of a ditch on lots last week because of it. I'll pick myself up and keep sifting through unhelpful because when it's helpful it's worth it (though I wish it wasnt so hard!). Hearing you!

(This is totally out of context now after your post pages ago but I wanted to reply to it).

Hugs x

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hello @CheerBear

hello @Sans911, replying to your message when you tagged me before , My mr shaz MI goes around in cycles , he does ok and then it changes , and I am finding also it depends whathappens each day and it also depends on how I am feeling too which makes it harder

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@CheerBear - you should know that whenever I get a post from you, it's like a lil warm fuzzy. And it's still relevant pages later. Fortunately, the helpful I have had have been exceptional. It's a shame that they haven't lasted. And why does the unhelpable stick in your mind like super glue? Your validation is very much appreciated. As are the 💗

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CheerBearSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Aww @Sans911 - ditto re the warm fuzzies 😊

It sucks Sans. Like a lot. It's crushing and the not-good/bad experiences can really stick. On Monday I spoke with my MH worker and there was a lot of venting about the brokenness of things and how much it can contribute to how broken we can feel. I'm thinking you might be able to relate to that too. As if it isn't hard enough without needing to sort through it all to find what helps 🙁

I really do believe that it is the people who experience it all first hand that have the ability to make a meaningful impact and be part of change. That sometimes is all I have left to keep getting up again when it feels like I've been struck by one too many things that haven't worked. If it is worth anything, I believe you make a difference already and can imagine that a big part of that is that you've experienced what you have.

More of these for you 💗. Hope your afternoon has been ok

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911are you around by any chance?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander yes sweetheart

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Evening @SleepyPanda

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Will u sit with me for abit ? @Sans911 ill change to my thread to keep in with NikNiks comment
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