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Something’s not right

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 9:04 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning sis @Sans911 hoping todays just a little easier 🌼💖🌻💜🌷💙

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 9:12 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - Morning lil Sis. Today I see the pyschologist so not easier at all. It's been a very difficult time in the last few days. I've had services refuse to help me stay safe or support me. I'm so done with this life. Really over it all

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 9:17 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Not an easy day at all then @Sans911 ill be here if you want to talk about it or would just like abit of company while dealing with the emotions that come up 💜 i knew it was a really hard time for you.. that is really sht to hear about the services- one very big dissapointment. Youve still got us here supporting you each step of the way 💖
Do you want to talk about why your having a particularly bad time right now? Its ok if you dont im happy to just listen or sit or whatever you need

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 9:38 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hearing you @Sans911
Im sorry your peer supporter doesnt seem to be listening either. I hope that something comes out of this session and you feel more heard and understood as well. Of course things need time but when its forever pumped into our heads that itll get better in time it just becomes over rated and more annoying than anything. Something needs to give NOW not in 6 months time.
Im really glad to hear your trying your best to keep safe. I know what your feelings are around sh right about now but it kept you safe and in all honesty not your fault. If you cant get anyone offline to listen please try here. Speak to me or someone else here and we can try and help you too.

Hearing you on the weight gain its horrid but you are embracing that new lifestyle and it might bo seem much but its enough. You are enough ❣

MI=bullsht you got that right!

If you got anything out of that post its im hearing you and all the concerns you have. Sitting with you as long as you need ❣

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 9:42 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - sorry hun I think you misunderstood my last post. The peer support worker WAS helpful, but the pyschologist wasn't impressed with her call. So I guess I'm going to cop it today with my pyschologist appointment after lunch.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 9:55 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlander - it's lots of little things building up. A peer support worker spoke to my pyschologist the other day & it did not go well. I will have to deal with that today, and I'm really uncomfortable with seeing him again. I feel like no none in rl is listening to my concerns or needs. They're just telling me to give it time. Meanwhile it's pushing me backwards into a relapse. My SI is really strong, and I SH on Sunday after services weren't capable of helping me or they refused to help. I've hardly slept last night. I was too scared & didn't trust myself. .

And my weight gain is the pits. I went to wear a dress ice not worn in quite a while, and other clothes I've tried recently, and it was too tight when 3 or 4 months ago it had space. That is really affecting me a lot. I've started to eat healthier in the last few days, but I'm skipping meals too. I hate this fkng MI bullsht. I wish it would all go away.

And there's other stuff going which I can't mention. It gets seems when I try to get ahead, something always pulls me back.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 9:59 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Oh crap sorry @Sans911 i thought i read wasnt not was helpful. Sorry...
Hmm im wondering why the psych isnt happy from the call.. you would think hed want to be up to date...?
Your psych sounds like an ar*e like mine- i hope you dont cop it. You shouldnt be anyway, no client should be treated like that.
Let me know ( if you can and want ) how it goes this afternoon. Will be sitting with you just as you do for me 😘
Hows yours cats going now? And any plans for today?

P.s if i dont reply straight away the social group is on but will be taking breaks so will check in on you 💜 stay strong and when you cant lean on us 💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 10:11 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - it's ok misunderstandings here happen often. It's alright. My pyschologist objected to what he thought was being told what to do. All my psw wanted to do was tell a little about how I function, but he took it as a personal affront. So he could be a little cross today.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 10:13 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Oh ok @Sans911 well i hope today goes well and things can be worked out as well so its less uncomfortable next session 💜 it sounds like you have a good psw though......

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor27 Feb 2018, 2:55 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

just checking in to see how your going @Sans911

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Torres Strait Islander flag

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.