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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander-I'm not going to forgive you, because you've done nothing wrong. We are just like friends, except we are strangers who haven't met. And our friendship will have trials and tests. The ability to to be honest and work through those things is what will ensure our friendship survives. And I don't see what you did as a mistake, more an oversight. Considering your state of mind at the time, it's quite acceptable.

What adds an extra challenge here in the forums is that people are incredibly vulnerable. Hurt happens all too easily and misunderstandings can be magnified too easily. But as @Zoe7 has said, you have shown maturity and dignity. That is why I like you a lot.

And @Zoe7-you don't always say a lot, but boy when you do it packs a damn good punch. You just get it. Thank you for your support, validation and being such an amazing, smart butterfly. 🐝(I don't have a butterfly on my phone so the bee will have to suffice)

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sorry I'm getting to Jasper. I'm just backtracking on so many notifications. There's SO much happening today for lots of people.

@Shaz51 @Snowie @outlander @Former-Member

Physio was fine. I've shown some improvements apparently despite the last few days of pain. We went through the exercises from last week & then he's added 2more. He's a 4th year undergraduate student so this is his last year. I'll see him next week.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thank you @Sans911 means a lot

Sometimes less is more

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

thanks @Sans911 i am sure our friendship will continue to grow through anything that is thrown our way. honestly you dont feel like a stranger to me even though we havent met. it feels like ive know you forever.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

take your time, not going anywhere but am looking forward to hearing about Jasper. im glad despite the pain theres been some improvements- hopefully they worked out a pain management plan too......... @Sans911

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander@Sans911@Zoe7

loving all these heart felt messages. Feeling the love

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Snowie @Former-Member@z

Oh my, I thought I got a quiet little snuggle bug, but this guy is a wild child with a loud meow when he chooses to use it. He sits like a frog with his back legs out beside him. He's incredibly bright, as he knows his name already works things out very quickly. And Ive discovered, he sheds a lot of fur. But he's so soft loves scratches & has a delightful purr.

And I've discovered my other sweet boy has a mean streak. He's really put out right now, and has hissed at Jasper and me when I picked him up. Jasper will stay in the lounge room for now (I may be sleeping in here tonight) and they will be gradually introduced.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Snowie

oh dear @Sans911 he is only new though so hopefully they both become best friends and become cuddly. your new one sounds really cute esp your description of the way he sits.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911maybe Jasper is like his mum!!!! (hehe) bit of a wild child!!

Glad he has settled in well. Sounds like big brother is put out a bit!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Snowie - yeah, I'm so wild I've been drunk once in my life, and I think I can count on one hand how many times I have to a nightclub. Hmm.... On the other hand 🖐. Well...
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