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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi everyone .... 👋

Workmen in the house today. I have vacated for coffee, and have a hairdressing apt this afternoon. That should keep me out of mischief for a little while ....

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Faith-and-Hope sounds like a nice self care day. I hope your enjoying your morning coffee

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I have my GP appt in about 3 hours and my psychologist after lunch.--- how did you appts go @Sans911

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911, hope all went ok today.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 💙💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Former-Member - Pyschologist session was ok. He asked what I thought about the session last week. And I asked to swap to his comfortable chair instead of the hard plastic chair which made me sweat during the entire session last week. I got a firm no, that was his chair. I told him I thought he seemed younger than I expected for his position and experience, of which he was a little surprised. We talked about therapy expectations & whether I was prepared to change, as he sensed resistance. I said I really didn’t like who I was anymore and I wanted to change, but it wouldn't be an easy process as I had developed my character, behaviour and emotions over a lifetime even though many things were ineffective & sometimes a hindrance, they were all I knew. I also have yet another case manager, a male, who I don't think I'll like very much, but I have no choice so I just have to lump it. I don't have to see him a lot which is fine by me.

I have physio next week for my left shoulder. My GP was really sweet in acknowledging that I didn't have much money and gave me the contact of a university physio group.

So I'm doing alright, got nice things planned for the weekend, BBQ get together with a women's group and farmers market relaunch Sunday morning which I can walk to.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

thats all sounding really good @Sans911 im glad you were honest with your psych, your gp was kind to you and you have some physio sessions coming up too. it also sounds like a nice weekend planned too, i hope you enjoy those days. sorry to hear about your case mananger though, but as you said you dont see him all that often and with other supports in place hopefully itll be ok. well done

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911glad it was ok, but a bit harsh not to give you the comfy chair. Wonder what would happen if you turned up there next week with your own chair!!

Hopefully in the coming weeks/months these psychology sessions help you for the better.

Sounds like it went well with your gp and if we can save money than yes, even more helpful.

Glad you have some things planned for the weekend too, as I know they are hard for you...

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911,next session take a camping chair and one for him, and tell him you are creating an environment based on equaliity not quality for his comfort only.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member I actually thought about that and I just might do it with a pillow for my sore shoulder. I nearly took one today. I reckon his reaction would be priceless!
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