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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Phoenix_Rising - it means so much that you've come by with a little post of encouragement. Thank you very much. I have been waiting seven months for this day. I had no say in which pyschologist I got, that is the hardest part so if we don't get along, I don't know what the alternative is. He is actually the head pyschologist in the department, so I'm quite fortunate for that. But that doesn't necessarily make him the best; I'm sure you understand that. I have spoken to him on the phone previously, and that was ok, so here's hoping today is similar.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks @Former-Member

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 just came on to wish you the best of luck for today. I truely hope that it goes well. You deserve this so much and deserve this help. Will be thinking of you sis 💖💖💖

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member snap. I just posted on your thread. Thanks my angel. Your post is appreciated

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911,

I can definitely understand how super scary it must be not having a say in who you see. I so very very badly hope you find that this is a good match. I can very much relate to the torture of having had to wait months to see someone. Many years ago, I waited several months to see a psychiatrist who was supposed to be one of the top people at the time for treating BPD. Yeah...she threw me out of her office five minutes into the second session and refused to see me again. I well remember the utter despair at having wasted months waiting to see her.

I will be eagerly waiting to hear how you go today Sans911, if you want to share.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911hoping your appointment went well today or as well as it could have

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Bunniekins @Phoenix_Rising

Well, my psychologist appt this morning went really well. He was a very pleasant man to talk to, with a gentle voice and manner. The room was so hot it was really uncomfortable. He asked some questions about recent events, as well as what had happened in the last few years and a little bit of my childhood history. He asked me what my goals of therapy were and how he might be able to help me. I wouldn't say there was an instant connection, but he was easy to talk to, and validating and listened attentively. He said that we would spend a few sessions with him getting to know me better before he would decide what he could offer, how he could do that and what type of therapies might be needed. One thing he said which was super nice was that I was very insightful into what I thought the issues were and that I had some idea of what I wanted to achieve from therapy. I'm looking forward to next week. I know some weeks will be very difficult; I hope that's a little while to come yet.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911that just made my day/night and made me smile. I knew you would share when the time was right for you so didn't want to ask beforehand.

I am so happy for you that it went well. Of course that trust has to be built and that prefessional realtionship will take some time, but supper pleased for you.

Hopefully in the weeks to come he gets to know you better and then can really start working woth you towards your goals.

Need to do a happy dance now!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member- I'm glad I gave you something to smile ☺ about. Do you know what else happened that was pretty funny? When he called my name, there was two of us in the same waiting room. So I asked him to say the least name. The other woman was a bit annoyed.

I actually didn't post earlier simply because I was actually quite busy after the appt. I had quite a bit of driving around with jobs to do connected to my new car. And then a delivery. And then my mother coming. So I've only really stopped recently.

I'm actually need to log out. So sorry. I'm quite tired so sleep is not far only. Goodnight @Former-Member.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Goodnight hun, sleep well @Sans911

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