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Something’s not right

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember22 Jan 2018, 11:26 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Might be the only time we have money ,@outlander! Lol. Goodnight all.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 11:27 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Lol @Former-Member and good night 😴😴

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 11:30 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - yes, that's a lot of questions, but I'll let you off this time! Mmm... I just have to careful how I answer those questions here.

Oversupply means that you are taking more than what the GP has prescribed for you. For example, if you were prescribed 2x tablets to help you sleep, and you took more than that that's oversupply, because you would need to go back to your GP or chemist (if you had repeat scripts) earlier than expected. The pharmacist or doctor might ask why you are taking more than you should, and they may either not give you that medication until it's time to have it or give you a limited supply. If someone repeatedly requests medication before the next supply date, then they can actually report you; this might result in a ban of that medication.

It all comes down to safe prescribing, dispensing and administration of drugs. There are some medications that have addictive qualities, or other potential adverse side effects.

So yes, that's why you can get a certain amount, due to the potential for tolerance or addiction, and because of potential liver damage(or any other organ damage). It's much easier and safer to give a limited supply than to give too much to a patient with mh issues who may or may not do the right thing. Once the patient has that medication, they can do anything with it.

I now pick up my meds twice a week from the hospital pharmacy. It used to be every second day. It's a bit of a nuisance but it's necessary to try to maintain my safety. My psychiatrist prescribes my meds (she works in the outpatient mh department of the same hospital). My GP knows what I take, but she doesn't get involved with my meds. It's best to let one person control what is given.

Geeze @outlander that was a looooooong answer.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 11:34 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - goodnight hun. I hope you have a restful sleep 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 11:46 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Lol @Sans911 thanks for letting me off the hook! And for explaining all of that! I didn't know you could actually get banned from taking certain medications! I knew you can get in trouble but not to that extent.
Well im glad they have that part sorted at least! Better to be safe than sorry! Does that mean to see your psychiatrist you have to go to outpatients for an appointment?
Its strange that my psychiatrist cant prescribe medications. Its abit of a pain really!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor23 Jan 2018, 12:13 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander- I see my pdoc every fortnight. It's like seeing a GP really. She just asks how I'm doing, whether or not the medications are helpful, and whether the disease needs increasing, decreasing or change. The appts only last about half hour. She's not my pdoc by my choice, but she's ok I guess.

Most pdocs can prescribe, as that is a large part of their role. Depends if they prescribing 'rights' (that is, they have authorisation to prescribe).

It's still 26degrees here, too hot to sleep, let alone breathe!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor23 Jan 2018, 12:18 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Yeh sounds like mine @Sans911 only mine doesnt prescribe she just tells my fo which ones to give me.
It was high 30s again here today. In sitting in front of the fan or rather laying down in the cool atm
Can u put the fan on you so you cool down too?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor23 Jan 2018, 12:35 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Lol @outlander, the fan is ON! it's been on all day! The house I live in has 9foot high ceilings! So the fans really just push hot air around. I can't open most of the windows as they have no screens. Mr Houdini (the cat that is) loves jumping out of these windows & doing a disappearing act under the house. I went to take the washing of the line today, turned around to walk back inside, and the little rascal was on the back porch just looking at me as if to say 'hi mum, aren't I clever?' He's escaped out of the house on several occasions and usually just goes under the house for a while while I'm frantically looking for him. Then 'pffffhh' he reappears like magic. Ive found that he will come back inside if I give him some treats or if I slowly walk up to him and pick him up.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor23 Jan 2018, 12:44 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Haha cheeky boy!! @Sans911 he sounds like such a cutie though. Knda his way of playing a game maybe....?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor23 Jan 2018, 12:59 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

He's very cheeky at times, and im sure he knows he's handsome as well as he's very photogenic. I'm trying to teach him to shake hands or high five but he's more interested in eating the treats and I risk loosing fingers!

I like this one chat between us. It's feels nice and 'normal' ; whatever normal is. Are you in bed yet as I know it's after midnight where you are?

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Torres Strait Islander flag

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.