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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CheerBearSenior Contributor11 Oct 2017, 9:41 pm AEDT

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 😞 That sucks so so much.

I can understand why you'd be feeling the way you are tonight. Like phoenix_rising, I too find it hard understand how support can quite quickly decrease at the sight of 'progress. I think I would be feeling a similar way too and don't think that it's bratty at all. So sorry Sans.

Huge big hugs for tonight.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Oct 2017, 9:55 pm AEDT

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@CheerBear @Pheonix_Rising @Former-Member thanks for listening. My case manager and I now have had a further falling out over the phone when I called to talk it through a bit more. We just can't agree on anything right now, because she thinks I'm pre-empting things and am being dramatic. And she said that maybe it won't be that long, but it probably will. I'm angry, I'm sad and hurting very much. The things that have kept me hanging on are crumbling, and I can't do a damn thing about it. I

In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Oct 2017, 10:02 pm AEDT

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I'm glad you were able to talk to your case manager @Sans911 but sorry that it didnt help very much... being able to plan ahead and know what is available for you coming up isnt preempting... i dont think anyway...
here with you, hugs if you want them 😞

In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Oct 2017, 10:05 pm AEDT

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911I don't think you are being dramatic at all. I understand that you don't want to get your hopes up high on seeing a psych earlier. You have every right to be angry and sad, you do not deserve any of this.

Big hugs for you tonight Sans, I'll be sitting there next to you

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Oct 2017, 10:05 pm AEDT

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@CheerBear @Former-Member @Former-Member I've taken my sleeping tablets early, and they're starting to work. I'm going to log off & maybe tommorow will look different. Thanks for the support.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CheerBearSenior Contributor11 Oct 2017, 10:06 pm AEDT

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

😞 @Sans911 I don't remember the last time feeling as if someone thought I was being dramatic because I was hurting or scared or angry or sad, ever helped me. It's ok that you're feeling the way you are, and I really think so many of us would feel it also.

I have a great MH worker. I still can't work out if she's from a PHAMS program or not but it's very similar if it isn't. One of the most reassuring thing she says is along the lines of being able to work with me (or me with someone from her team) until I feel I don't need or want to anymore. I wonder if there's something like that where you are. It might not help right now, but it may be an option. I got in quickly, and where I am having a recent admission to a MH facility is considered as a high priority case for allocation.

It might not be something you want to consider right now, but it may be an option once these feelings have passed.

Thinking of you Sans as I log off for the night.

💗

In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Oct 2017, 10:07 pm AEDT