Connect with people who understand what you are going through,
seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're
free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.
For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.
Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.
My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.
Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?
Just a shortish post, as I know you are all at Friday Feast, and I don't want to spoil your evening. I'm super struggling being out of my home in this new environment. It's not a bad place, except for the dishes piled in the kitchen sink. I'm sharing with 2 other women, one is blind. My little corner is snug and private with wardrobes and a divider shutting everyone out. I have a small window for light and fresh air. I've been for a walk up a big hill; that'll make @soul happy. But it only fuelled my anxiety & I'm only a few steps away from a panic attack. My SI is in full force right now, screaming & cursing at me for taking its opportunity away. I'm so frightened of how powerful it's become, and that I've given my car keys to the nurses for safety. I won't discuss this with them yet, as I can barely make sense of it myself. Yes. Life is pretty hopeless right now, but don't I get a chance to say let's wait and see, and then if not, I will listen to its demands? I have to log out for a while, as I have also taken prn meds and the screen is blurring.
@outlander - hugs lil Sis., I'll be around tommorow. Please look after yourself and I hope you get some rest tonight.
@Former-Member Am I seeing a slight settling for you. I hear your support has increased or monitoring. That makes me glad.
@CheerBear thanks always for understanding. And knowing that you went through something similar helps.
@Appleblossom hugs dear forum friend
@Faith-and-Hope my fellow sandgroper. I hope Melbourne is treating you right
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Big hugs @Sans911 .... I will be keeping you close in thoughts .... 💜💐💕
Keep reaching out here whenever you need to Hon ....
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 I did some very stupid things the other night around SH and SI so am being monitored very closely now.
I hope that it gets less scary and your anxiety decreases over the coming days as you feel more settled there. Will be thinking about you and hope you find the answers you so deserve 💕💕💕💕
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Hugs and hugs @Sans911 Love you loads and many others love you hear too ❤❤❤ keep reaching out 💌💌
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911
Hope you are calm and sleeping. You made the decision to go in and follow it through and see what emerges that is useful or positive for you.
I stayed away from Friday Feast as I did not feel up to being social, but
Hugs and best wishes.
Apple
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Yes, it's me need to rant now. Must be the day for it. Fk this MI world we live in! I'm so done and over trying to get better. I'm know I'm being a typical borderline, overreacting, projecting, whatever the Fk you want to call it, I don't care. My case manager said today their backing off their support because I'm getting better. And soon it will up to me to call when I need to if I'm distressed. But my problem is I don't call, because I think others need it more than me. I also got told probably no therapist available until at least January now! More than 10weeks away. I haven't had a therapist since June, which doesn't sound that long, but essentially I've been battling severe depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety and emotional dysregulation.
Yes, I have had a very strong support network of my GP, case managers, my foster sister and a bit from brother. I know, I know that is waaaay better than what other get. And I feel right now like a bratty little child having a temper tantrum in aisle 6.
Yes, I'm getting a little better by myself and with input from my support team. But it's 3 paces forward and 5 back. Without the input of a therapist I feel rudderless, with no direction, no goals to focus on. Where is my life going? I know now too, partly because of these delays with the therapist, I've completely lost any change I might have had to go back to work on the cruise lines. That's upset me the most I think.
Damn, damn and fkn damn. Why does the public health service have to be so stretched and in crisis. It's haemorrhaging and no can fix it with a bloody bandaid. I just feel like giving up on getting better. It all seems way too hard. I just want to sleep and never wake up.
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 .... 💜💜💜
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Hi @Sans911,
I totally hear your despair. It makes no sense to me that services back off when you start "getting better." We know that people with BPD fear abandonment, so is backing off going to increase or decrease behaviours indicative of "getting better." Gee, it really isn't rocket science is it!!!
I was sad to hear you describe yourself as being "a typical borderline." It is so wrong that we internalise those messages that we receive. I don't know about you, but it has most often been mental health professionals that have described my distress as me being "a typical borderline."
You aren't being a typical borderline @Sans911. You are being a person who is super struggling with overwhelming emotions. You are being a person who is doing the very best she can in the situation in which she finds herself, and who is desperately seeking support. That is not being a typical borderline, that's being human.
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911oh hun, my heart is breaking for you now. You always seem so strong on the outside and that worries me because you deserve so much care, support and love.
You are in no way overreacting to this. It is totally unfair that they are backing off support when you need it so much and probably more. You deserve this support as much as another person Sans, please, please, please do not think that others need it more. And that just plain suxs that there will not be a therapist free until Jan. It makes me so angry that the publlic health service is so screwed and stretched to the limit, that people like yourself that really need it, cannot. You have a right to be peeved off, so if you want to have a temper tantrum, than go for it.
I know you probably feel helpless and angry at the moment Sans, and I wish I could help more than just the words I type on here. We have to fight through those bad days to get to the good day, even though sometimes it is fkn difficult. Please keep reaching out. Whether it is on here, your case manager or someone else, please keep reaching for that help because you do matter and you are loved.
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Hi @Sans911 - aghhh im so sorry for you that this is happening for you. It is really hard to lose that support... there's not enough time to stabilise and get to the point where you feel confident with going ok before they pull the rug out from under you... probably because of the limited resources etc and the problems with mental health etc... but i think it contributes to the number of people who relapse (like me)... its a cruel system. I see similar played out in schools all the time. funding put in for crisis situations with kids behaviour and then when that helps things they suddenly pull the funding and the child deteriorates which further damages their self esteem etc. its cruel. im so sad that you dont have a therapist at the moment either 😞 which is not fair either.. I really hope that the wait is not as long as now predicted... Here with you, wishing there was better and more that i could do/say ...
We're improving how you access SANE services, starting with Forums
You’ll soon be able to use one secure login to access all SANE services.
For added security, members are now required to log in with their email address and password - member names are no longer supported for logging in.
If you had a Forums account before 19 May 2026 and haven’t set up your new login yet, you'll be prompted to set up your new secure login when you sign-in.
