Topic Tuesday / *CLOSED* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

Hi everyone,

What about if our loved one relapses? How do we support them through this?

The thing to remember here is that relapse is, unfortunately, very common. When I was in rehab many years ago, they took the view that lapsing and relapsing is actually a part of the recovery process, and possibly a person is not taking their recovery as seriously if they do not lapse at some stage.

Think about what we call 'recovery' from mental illness. This does not necessarly mean a total absence of syptoms. And I think that we need to take the same view with addiction. Recovery is highly individual, and different for each person.

For myself, I had two BIG relapses in the early days of my recovery, and in hindsight, I feel I needed to go through these as a learning process. I guess the things is,over time, one may start to have more of a desire to remain 'straight' rather than to be intoxicated.

I think small acheievable goals is an excellent thing. I would make 'a thing' of everything I did. For example, if my goal was to simply go to the shops and buy groceries, then that would be my 'thing' for the day, and I would go home and tell myself that I managaed to do that sober, and pat myself on the back for it. After a while, I manged to realise just how much I could do when sober as opposed to being intoxicated, and then the desire to continue kicked in. To this day, I still make small goals for myself every day.

As they say in AA....'a day at a time'

We have a strict rule in our house that if my son is intoxicated he's not to come home. He can become aggressive and violent when fueled by alcohol. As a result he has been homeless at times. This year he has also developed gambling problems. His psychiatrist explained that this is also a source of self-medication. He is compliant with his medication but the alcohol negates its effect. I'm sure if there were self help groups available this would be of so much assistance. Families are just left to muddle through as best they can.

Thanks David!

It looks like a few members have raised the topic of how to be supportive without being an enabler

@Fatima asked about whether letting her daughter take the car to the bottle shop is making her an enabler

@Former-Member rasied a good question about whether it's helpful to abstain from alcohol as a carer for someone stuggling with issues

@Jengay has touched on not letting their son back into the house if they are intoxicated.

I think what all of this comes down to is trying to find that way of supporting the person you care for without being an enabler.

Do you have some tips on this?

For myself, after 4 years or so, I prefer people to drink around me if that's what they want to do. I feel when they try to hide the alcohol from me, it makes it a 'taboo' subject, and that secretive desire can creep in.

I remember one of the main things I was taught in rehab, was that I cannot change the fact that people will dtill dring. I therefore needed to accept tis fact. I now simply have the idea that some people can drink, and some cannot. And I just happen to be one of those people who cannot. It's a lot easier to just accept these things in likfe as they are.

But this is me after 4 years. I would probably not have alcohol around someone who is in the earlier stages of their recovery, as a general rule.

David.

My thoughts on enablers...

It is so common for families to become enablers of people with addictions. It's complex, because this really only comes out of love. There is this thing that none of us are good at...'tough love'.

For instance, if the person you love is extremely hungover and really suffering, it might feel natural to nurse them back to health. It can also help families to feel as though they’re doing something useful, rather than just watching helplessly as the addiction takes its toll. And of course it come out of love. But this is considered enabling behavior, as it protects the addicted person from the real consequences of an addiction, which can be pain, embarrassment, and loss of friends. The list can go on.

It's important to realise that without consequences, there is no apparent need to stop destructive behaviour. So, as hard as it may be, letting the person 'suffer the consequences' can often be the most loving thing you can do for them.

David

David,

What were the most helpful things that your family did for you in helping you to recover from your addiction?

I agree with@Hobbit

Natural consequences can be the best way of learning.

But it can be so hard to constantly be aware and on top of those things.

Ahh tough love.. good points on that and great example.

David - it seems a few of the members here are struggling to get their loved one to go into treatment.

May I ask what your turning point was..

was it a particular moment?

something someone did?

Or did it build up over tme and you finally did it?