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My two husbands

JustanotherdayCasual Contributor12 July 2017, 9:38 pm AEST

My two husbands

Hi everyone, first time poster looking for support and love in all the right places (I hope).

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. It has only just become blatantly apparent that he is suffering a mental illness. As I type, I wonder how it has been hidden from me for so long, he has always been hard to live with at times, and the sweetest man at others. We've had an on off relationship, as you do when you are young, but decided to get married and have kids. I assumed we'd grow up and get our shit together, especially as we approached our 40's. This just never happened. We are in debt and own nothing. And divorce is on the table.
6 weeks ago he came home one day, and in front of our children, told me he was leaving. He'd already taken his belongings to where he was staying-- there'd be no discussion. He told me he needed space and time to get better, understanding there was a problem but not knowing what it was. Over the course of 4 weeks there were a lot of ups and downs. I was always in the crosshairs for better or for worse, but I remained supportive and loving at all times. Eventually he came home, apologised for everything he had ever done to me, and was intent on working things out. Two weeks later (today) and I feel trapped on the roller coaster. I love my husband, but he's not treating me well, and the kids are seeing it all play out. One day he is loving and intent on making a better future, the next he is starting arguments so he can leave and saying nasty things so I react, which makes the leaving easier. Knowing what is happening doesn't make it any easier. He is undiagnosed manic-depressive (my opinion) and has refused meds or any medical intervention.

My advice to someone in my situation would be to leave. Find someone who will love you and treat you right. But this is the love of my life and the father of my children and that's so much harder to do than to say.

I'm looking for support so I can make it out with my sanity intact. Any advice or points in the right direction would more than appreciated ❤️

29 replies

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In response to: My two husbands

soulSenior Contributor13 July 2017, 2:08 am AEST

Re: My two husbands

Hi @Justanotherday - welcome to the forums. Sorry that you have a Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde husband. No one can give you definitive advice on what to do as everyone's situation is different.

It seems like your head is telling you to leave yet your heart is saying stay and that is confusing.

My suggestion is to get a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of either decision. You may even want to give each aspect a weighting. For example on the negative side you might think the effect on the kids is worth three points. Add it all up and see what you come up with.

How did you feel during that separation? Were you calmer? Or did it make you more anxious?

Also consider the effect of divorce on your future. What would be more detrimental? Being without a husband and the kids without a father or with one? What about financially?

Will he agree to get help if you give him an ultimatum? Are there any family members or friends that you could enlist to approach him or counsel the both of you if he refused to seek professional help.

I wish you well and hope you can find some peace and happiness. Keep talking to us.

In response to: My two husbands

JustanotherdayCasual Contributor13 July 2017, 10:08 am AEST

Re: My two husbands

Thanks for your reply, that's a lot to think about. Starting to feel powerless in the situation with no escape. In all honesty, I just want to do whatever it takes to make it work and get him better, for me and for the kids, as well as for him. And some days he wants that too. The confusion comes from him-- he goes from loving and caring to full on flight mode in the same day. I never know if I'm doing the right thing. Or if I will just upset the apple cart. Both my head and heart are committed to him, but in the moments he's pushing me away I wonder why, and if I'm doing the right thing.
I will do a weighted pros and cons list, thanks for the idea. Maybe something I come up with will make the whole situation clearer. X

In response to: My two husbands

Unknown userMember13 July 2017, 3:42 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

Welcome to the forum @Justanotherday nice to have you here, I hope you can find some support amoungst this amazing community in forumland 🙂

As @soul mentions everyones story is unique but sometimes there are common threads and I'm sure you are starting to see the care and empathy within others that floats around.

Some threads which may be of interest to you include Ups and downs of husbands mental Illness or Recovering from a crisis and lost.

If you're looking for something a little more social and light hearted, then Hot Chocolate Anyone is a great place to be 🙂

And there are also some great topics in the Topic tuesday section, this one on boundary setting and should I stay or should I go caught my eye.

Self care is also something we like to talk about here, I'm wondering if you have a particuar self care tool that you implement?

Please let me know if you have any queries, I'll try my best to answer them 🙂

Take care,

Pebbles

In response to: Re: My two husbands

soulSenior Contributor13 July 2017, 6:25 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

Yes @Justanotherday - there is a lot to think about. Making that decision is the hardest part. How are you doing today?

In response to: My two husbands

JustanotherdayCasual Contributor14 July 2017, 3:39 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

Thanks for the links @Former-Member, very helpful. Thanks for checking in @soul 🙏
I'm still getting my head around the fact that this is actually happening. My security has been ripped out like a rug and I feel like I was dropped in an alternate universe where things look the same but they are very different.

I set boundaries, but they come across like a way of controlling to him. I'm not controlling of anything, the last thing I want is a robot for a husband. But it's easier to be angry with someone if they're "controlling" and boy is he angry. Not physically, that's a line I don't think he'd cross, and he'd only cross it once. But when he is manic, he checks out of our relationship emotionally and that's hard to come to terms with. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a battle I already lost, other times I feel like a fool for hanging on when he's already gone. And then, he'll be back, a glimpse of the amazing and caring person I married and I fall in love all over again.

He has agreed to marriage counceling, which is a huge win for me. If I can have someone else see what's happening with us, then maybe I can draw strength to do what needs to be done. Right now my anxiety is through the roof. I just don't know what mood he'll be in from on hour to the next. It's hard to plan a life together, with kids, like that. I'm finding it hard to make that list, I can't think straight. I have no time to myself and no outlets right now. No self-care besides a good hot shower 😜 Circumstances are not favourable. I live in fear and anxiety and it's really not good for anyone. I don't even want to do anything else right now, I feel if I don't focus on what's happening at home, 100%, then it will all fall apart. My kids don't deserve that.
I'm going to try to get along to a carers meeting in my area as soon as the next one comes up.

He says he just wants me to be happy, but how do you find happiness when your best friend is denying mental illness and threatening to destroy what you've worked so hard for on a whim? This is devastating to me, I can't just wonder off to a pottery class and make it all better.

In response to: Re: My two husbands

soulSenior Contributor14 July 2017, 8:29 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

Sounds like you are not having a good day @Justanotherday. One good thing is the agreement to go to the marriage counselling. I hope that he is committed to change and not feel as if he is being targeted. You have stated that the boundaries (or relationship guidelines for a softer sounding definition) don't always go down well. It's hard when both players don't follow the rules.

You long for those times when there is some "niceness" and sadly they are infrequent. What becomes the norm is always being on your guard, wondering what mood he will be in and watching what you say or do lest these things set him off or make matters worse. It is indeed a battle and no way to live. Bit by bit, your self esteem and confidence is eroded. Been there myself, still recovering.

It doesn't sound like your happiness is a priority at all. And at the moment you are far from feeling remotely that way. It's stressful and draining your energy. If a hot shower is your only refuge then it's only a matter of time before you burn out and that will affect not only you but the kids as well.

Have you had a chance to look around on these threads. There are a few which talk about how to help people with mental illnessses when they don't want to help themselves. How you communicate can make a lot of difference.

Can you encourage your husband to see a GP? Perhaps make an appointment with the doctor beforehand and discuss your concerns so that he/she can raise them with him.

Really feeling for you and hope things improve. Find something to do this weekend that gives you some joy to help relieve the stress just a little even. Perhaps take the kids to the park, have a coffee with a friend.

In response to: My two husbands

Lexxy17Contributor17 July 2017, 2:10 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

Hi @soul, I too am riding that roller coaster at the moment. Married 25 yrs and now I feel like I have two different husbands. We only have one daughter who is expecting her second child so even though I know she is there for me 100% I tend not to burden her.
He had a drug addiction but is 9 months clean now. Has suicidal thoughts all the time and holds me hostage with that. I love him more than anything and I know the great man I married but he will not see a doc for diagnosis. I am nearly ready to step off the roller coaster 😔

In response to: My two husbands

JustanotherdayCasual Contributor17 July 2017, 4:51 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

@soul, I'm sure you know but just hearing you say it back to me and confirm that things are not normal helps so much. Sorry to hear you were in a similar situation, but thank you for using that in such a positive way.
Things are worse, we are separated after a bad argument in which I was not at my best. I forget he's not himself and get so riled up when he is in the mania and really hurting me. I react so badly, I need serious help in that front. Things are still stacked in his favour, but I have some space which belongs to me.

@Lexxy17, I'm sorry to hear that you're here too. Getting off the roller coaster is harder than it sounds. It's like the roller coaster is on fire, and still going and you I have to decide if it's safer to get off now or wait for it to stop.
I still haven't decided 😔

In response to: Re: My two husbands

soulSenior Contributor17 July 2017, 5:57 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

Really feeling for the both of you @Justanotherday@Lexxy17. Sometimes you can ride the rollercoaster through its ups and downs. The danger comes when it flies completely off its rails at great speed hurtling into an abyss which it did in my case. Everyone has their own set of circumstances and whether a relationship is worth being in or salvageable depends on many things including the willingness to do so and the commitment to persevere.

@Lexxy17 - my partner was a master at manipulation too by saying life wasn't worth living without me but never actually harmed himself. I don't know what the case is with your husband. It's a difficult situation as you want to err on the side that is safe.

@Justanotherday - are you still communicating during this separation? It is hard to separate the behaviour from the person and sometimes you can't help but feel like they are doing this on purpose. Take this time however long it may be to get yourself in a better frame of mind. Read up on how best to communicate.

I'll link you both over to my story. Not saying that it is anything like yours but you may see some similarities.

In response to: My two husbands

SharonmSenior Contributor18 July 2017, 4:54 pm AEST

Re: My two husbands

Hi @Justanotherday

I lived as you do for many years. My ex was undiagnosed bipolar and was either lying on the lounge unable to function or the life of the party. I was blamed for most things that went wrong in life and spent my life holding things together. Having the steady job, paying the bills and bringing up our son appropriately. It never occurred to me that he was bipolar and now I am going through the same thing with my son and learning more and more I also believe he has borderline personality disorder. The crazy accusations he would make about me ruining his life when I was the one holding it together used to make me doubt myself constantly. The inappropriate behaviour and comments made around our son with no consideration for the impacts (eg. I am leaving you and then once we were sufficiently upset he'd say "oh forget it - let's all just go out for lunch").

He ended up going into a rehab hospital (where he got the bipolar diagnosis) for mood disorder and gambling addiction and I told him he couldn't return home unless he could demonstrate some definite changes in key areas. He never could so we did not get back together. Since then he has hit rock bottom. Been frequently homeless, addicted to ice and I still often have the police on my doorstep looking for him. It is very sad because it is not the man I met or the father I want my son to have but it is what it is. For a long time I tried to help but now have handed those reins over to his family. I have to help my son first and being caught up in my ex's issues dilutes my ability to help my son.

No one can tell you what to do. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love deteriorate but for me it was about creating boundaries and him owning his behaviour and responsibility to our relationship and family. It was also about my son. The impacts on him have been significant and he is now experiencing his own mental health issues. Some chemical and some BPD traits may be able to be attributed to some of the things that happened with his father (according to the psych).

All I can say is make every decision with your sanity and that of your children in mind. Hopefully he will get help and there will be a happy ending but until he realises he needs it it is unlikely anything will change.

SM x

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