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Overwhelming feelings of guilt

HurtandaloneSenior Contributor

Overwhelming feelings of guilt

I have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was 19 things have been up and down since but this year has been just aweful and I don't know where else to turn.
I have done something terrible that only a bad sick person would do and I am now paying for it.
I have been at the same job for nine years and in that time I have made some friendships that have become an important part of my life.
I have done something sick, unforgivable and disturbing to a friend of mine at work.
I made up a fake profile using a friends picture and name to get a guy back that had played me for quit a long time. After feeling very hurt by this person I decided I wanted to make him feel rejected and hurt just the way he did me. Long story short I got my revenge by setting him up on a date then standing him up. Which is a terrible thing to do within itself and didn't really help with my feelings of rejection anyway.
I have been having a few problems at work with someone I considered a friend spreading rumours about me because we had an argument. I told her about what I did with my fake profile when we were friends I never thought she would turn on me. Anyway she did and she told my other friend at work what I did that I used her pics and name to get back at a guy in the internet. My friend confronted me about it I burst into tears and said yes I used her name but not her pics she didn't believe me because she knows about the fake profile she just didn't know i used her pics and name. She yelled at me and said she believes it because she I told her I did that online. She said she is a married woman and said did I realise what I did to her reputation. I was so ashamed I could not admit what I did and I walked out of work crying uncontrollably. I didn't sleep at all for two nights I just kept thinking what a terrible sick person I must be and how everyone at work will look at me like that too. I can't face work or my friend again so I have requested a transfer which means I have lost a friend and a job I have loved for nine years. I just don't know the right way to think about this. I just keep thinking about what a crazy person I must be and how everyone at work must be disgusted in what I did. Please help I don't know what to do

22 replies

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In response to: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

AppleblossomSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

You have done well to keep working with depression. I hope you get a good transfer with new a start. It sounds as if you regret the action and wont repeat it. It probably is not the craziest and sickest thing to do .. if you have apologised and lost friends over it that is enough consequence. Dont beat yourself up about it too much.

In response to: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

HurtandaloneSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

Yes I said sorry for using her name but did not admit to using her picture. I lied so she wouldn't hate me.
I am just having a lot of trouble forgiving myself. Worried that everyone is thinking I'm a disturbed human being in all honesty I took the profile down a long time ago and never thought I would be faced with this. I didn't realise how much damage it could do. I did intentionally want revenge on someone who hurt me but that didn't really maker feel any better anyway. I didn't intend to hurt her. Logically I just think I was a stupid immature mistake but there is a big part of myself hating myself and I'm not sure how I going to go at my new job as my self esteem is so low. Thank you for your reply I didn't think of it that way.

In response to: Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

AppleblossomSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

Its better to get things out of your head space and hopefully the forum will help. Sometimes with depression if we are going to be down on ourselves, we pick on ourselves worse than any enemy as we know all the weak spots.

I havent worked in offices for a while. Cliques change and sometimes we reveal too much. I am queen of over share.

Are there good options with your transfer? A big office .. close enough?

In response to: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

HurtandaloneSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

I actually don't work in an office I work in a group home with people with disabilities its 24 hour care. I don't know where I am going to be transferred to yet which is also scarey because I don't know how high the needs are going to be of the people I am going to work with. I stayed at he house I was working in for so long because they were really great clients. So I have lost a friend and I have lost working with great clients all because of my own selfishness.

In response to: Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

AppleblossomSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

I know a few people working in disability. There are a lot of houses, but I can undersatnd that you get attached to the clients as well. I am in Melbourne

In response to: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

HurtandaloneSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

There are lots of houses in Sydney too. It's just that I don't cope well with change and it could be a much ore challenging house than I am in atm.

In response to: Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

AppleblossomSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

Change is challenging but take it one step at a time.

I am sure the lady will get over any problem you caused. If she has a marriage, a job, and friend at work then she is a lucky lady in deed. She probably isnt perfect either.

In response to: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

HurtandaloneSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

I didn't cause any problems in her marriage but I could have if someone had seen it. She is very lucky she has everything I want i life. She would say she isn't perfect but she wouldn't do what I have done.
It upsets me and I feel bad because I have been painted as a disturbed person by people I have known for years.these are all the things running through my head.
My logic tells me it was just an immature mistake which pretty much just inconvenienced some guy that hurt me.
But another part of me is saying how worthless I am and how I don't deserve happiness in my life at all. I know I'm going on a bit but I just want to feel some sort of peace within myself again

In response to: Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

Unknown userMember

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

Hi @Hurtandalone , I did something when i was younger that was just stupid, immature and wrong.. and i cant forgive myself for it either.. but life does move on... eventually... maybe try to use this in a positive way.. as in you know who you don't want to be... what you did obviously doesnt fit in with your values.. or you wouldn't feel so bad. So its a reminder of who you wnat to be (probably who you are 99% of the time. Starting fresh somewhere is going to be terrifying but its amazing what we can do and achieve. i'm glad you are here, it was really brave to post it on here. Keep focussing on moving on.. not much you can change about the past.. just the here and now,

all the best, please keep posting,

LJ

In response to: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

HurtandaloneSenior Contributor

Re: Overwhelming feelings of guilt

Thank you so much it has helped me out things into perspective
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