Hello and welcome to my story

hi @MDT

glad your feeling abit better. yes your right anxiety and depression throw us all over the place doesnt it. not fun at all.

what have you been getting up to?

ive not been well myself and been a very rough few weeks including a hospita admission myself. ive only been out jsut over a week now so still kinda finding my feet. bit more difficult than i thought but better than where i was.

im knackered atm. i did 5 hours straight of horse paddock cleaning then had to feed and rug etc so ive been out since 730 this morning and have only jsut got home and its jsut past 630 now

Hey

Firstly, sorry to hear you were in hospital. Thats always rough. I was there in August last year and have been on the mend as it were ever since. Take it easy and dont try to do too much. I learned this the hard way. I found that telling people was hard but chose to tell peoppe i trusted which made it easier 🙂

Good to see that you are doing things to get yourself back on track. Even better that you feel better than you did before 🙂

Owning horses must be pretty cool. I went horse riding once and really enjoyed it haha. Was on a holiday camp i went to way back. Felt like i was in man from snowy river trekking through the country.

I've been on uni break and have 2 weeks left. I had to postpone graduation by a semester in order to prevent anxiety taking over. I have little experience aside from tutoring so i thiught it best to finish my degree doing part time while looking for work andd volunteering. Have signed up for volunteering at the airport and have got a temp job teaching english to korean kids. Its amazing how things can change in a small timeframe.

My mental health has been on track i guess. Got to keep on task however. Its hard when people abandon you because they dunno what to say, but i suppose its a necessary evil in some ways. We must get better.

Hope you are well and you aren't stuck out in the paddock much haha

-haamsolo01

Hi @MDT

if you use the @ symbol it brings up names on the computer to tag people. If your on your phone type in @ then users name and itll tag them so it doesnt get lost in notifications

TBH I actually wasnt ready to come out and im debating whether I should try and go abck in for a few days. I just dont think itll solve my problems as much as I want them to be solved on their own.
Im always working hard. Ive been out for a little over a week and so far im rarely sitting down.

Im trying to get myself back on track however its not working and ive fallen backwards again and have relpased, just ot as bad as the last one.
I dont know how the heck im suppose to recover from all of this. I know! I need a fairy godmother- sounds like you need one too hey

yeah I own 5 horses, its more of a chore now and not an enjoyable hobby unfortunatley. Its all I do and its so repetivitive its no longer fun for me just another thing I have to get done in the day.
Haha yeah I do bush rides sometimes but im more of a showie-so like the ones you see at the royal easter show and things like that.

I hope youll be able to graduate from your uni course and with pride and keep that pesky anxiety away. What are you studying?
That all sounds really amazing! Good on you for volunteering and teaching sounds great! And im sure the kids appreciate it too even though they dont know how to say it.

Yes your right, things can change very quickly in only a short amount of time, hopefully its good change not bad. '

yeah I find a lot of people dont know what to say to me. The people who dont know I was in hospital- I kept it very very quiet and it was need to know only- they still talk to me like normal but I dont feel normal. I feel like an outcast now and its invisible to everyone to see.

Ive been out paddock cleaning again today- another 5 hours and tomorrow ive got to do another few hours but I dont have 5 prob maximum 3 then I have a few busy days away from the paddock so itll give me time to recoup before I get another big inflow of clients wanting things done.

what about you? what have you done today? how have you been?

hey @outlander

Sorry to hear it's rough for you still. I guess the ball is in your court on whether you go back to hospital isn't it?

You say you are rarely sitting down? Maybe you should try taking a few steps back from things and giving yourself some time to heal if that's an option? What does your family make of your situation?

You also said that you've relapsed but not as bad as last time. Why is that? There must be something different about it this time that makes you feel like you're doing okay relative to last time? What might be the reason there do you think?

A fairy god mother would be great hahaha, but I worry that I would waste her powers on trivial things... like just giving me all this money to spend on stuff I don't even need xD

I guess owning 5 horses would be pretty intense. If it's no longer fun, what are your options with that? (unfortunately I'm at a loss for help in that regard because I know nothing about horses lol).

And being in shows at the easter show sounds pretty cool. You must be pretty impressive then haha.

I'm studying a BA majoring in government and international relations (or as i like to call it "wtf is happening to the world" 😛 )

I'm yet to start the volunteernig (anxiety) and the teaching starts next week (quiet nervous about it). But I guess it's giving me an opportunity to confront some of those anxieties and allow me to look at things for what they really are - just tasks to complete on a list. There's really no reason to see it as anything else. I came across a job yesterday I want to apply for - at a city library - so that'd be cool i reckon. Plus is longer term and better money so it's more stable. Need to write up a cover letter for them. I think a reason I've been averse to work in the past is because i link it to self-value. Like I NEED to do well at the job or else I am a failure type thing - that's how my anxiety works so it's good that I'm getting a hang of how deep-seated it really is. Plus, if i can apply for the damn thing and get the job... surely that's SOME indication that I'd be okay at it. And given the fact that I've been tutoring for a while now I know at least something about it. It's just that it's with a class of 15 and I'm in charge. But I guess them being ESL students and also quiet young while overseas is also good for me - they will just listen. (See how my thinking goes off into hyper analysis mode? lol... anxiety hey?) Living in the present moment really does help though 🙂

I find that people are "unintentionally ignorant" of any sort of mental health condition. Social media really doesn't help with any of this. I completely understand what you mean in regards to telling people about hospital. When I was there in August I told only 2 people. People process things differently based on their own exposure to tragedy and life I guess. I know what you mean about not feeling normal. But I guess another thing we must remember is that we need to divorce emotions and feelings from reality. Hard to do when you feel like an outcast. I guess something that's been working for me lately is embracing my independence. I feel like an outcast everyday because I'm not constantly on my social media contacting people, and I'm not a member of any big social group. I have friends that I've met along the road of life and I keep in contact with them.. but inevitably some drop off the grid. I guess this is true for all of us - mental illness or not.

My best advice is to keep maybe one or 2 people close by. And be as open as you can with your specialists and your family. The bulk of the work is done by ourselves. We are the ones who have to see value in ourselves in order to make long and lasting change. This is something I'm slowly learning. Very slowly indeed.

That's good to hear that you won't be on the paddocks too longer. What sort of work do you do otherwise? you mentioned a few busy days after that.

Yesterday I had my first spanish class for level 2. I did level 1 last month. Looks harder, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Ever so slowly...

me lllamo hamsolo01, soy estudiante de politica en internacional. Soy australiano, tengo ventitres. Quiero estudiar de espana porque quiero en leer y hablar dos lenguas. Hablo un poco de espanol 😛

(put that in google translate if you have to haha)

I also found out about a group support therapy for anxiety that's on soon so I will be attending that. Have you ever tried group support?

I have tutoring this afternoon with HSC coming up for my students. I will be going to the gym very soon too. I have a new podcast my psych told me about that focuses on ACT, I would recommend it 🙂

Anyways. That was a long reply haha.

Take care 🙂

Hey @MDT

no the ball isnt in my court at the moment about hospital. I dunno what to do. Im borderline well enough to be out but unwel enough to be in.

I took a few steps back for a few days but the responsibilities are all back. Some of them I put on myself but I wanted them and they are $ earning jobs.
What does my family think- well they distressed me to the point I wouldnt let them into the drs surgery. They think its all attention seeking and I dont need medications and I dont need help.
Thats just the start of it. I thought they had changed while I was in hospital but obviously not.
I was told I have an easy life and to stop whinging.

I have relapsed- just not as bad- I have found things that I want to do. Thats pretty much the only thing thats changed. I know I havent relapsed as bad because I havent started making S plans or looking back at the ones I did have. And I ahvent gone silly Shing again.

Haha yes im afraid ill do the same thing for a fairy god mother- but hey whatever helps right

I use to love riding and horsing about all day everyday but now I dont even want to be there and its an argument with msyelf between do I have to go or do I need to go. I dont really have any other options other than to sell up but they arent mine to sell.

Wow that sounds really hard to study! Haha love what you call it- makes it sound more interesting lol.

The volunteering sounds cool. Itll give you some good opportunities to face some of those anxieties but make sure you self care and still do things and reward yourself when it becomes difficult.

You should apply for that job- it sounds like itll be a good option for you.
And yes your right- if you get the job then really your good enough and they think so too. Obviously dont stop being you and still try to do your est but remember no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

I get the same feeling of being an outcast all the time. I dont really know how to fix it. I cant change people views and it is what it is. Some people will never change. Im embarrassed really that it even got to that point. And also the way my family reacted. They made things a thousand times worse for me.

The only people I tell or really talk to now are the people I have left who understand and thats my gp, psychiatrist and psychologist. No one else really gets it and if they try then it just makes them angry. So I dont bother anymore.

Haha not bad for spanish- I did put it in goodle translate but I did get a few bits.
Though you wrote I have 20 not I am 20.

I think I have a support group but its an hour way from me but I wouldnt cope in that sort of setting. Im not into crowds nor speaking aout mental health- for some reason speaking aout it is now a trigger and has been for a while.

I hoep all your tutouring goes well and your gym session is a good one- make it count lol

Hey @outlander

sorry to hear it's still rough for you atm

I guess the piece of advice I can give at this point is to keep in touch with your specialists?

I've always felt that hospital was best if not being in hospital wasn't an option. You say you are on the borderline? Then perhaps this is a sign that you'd be better off not going back? But then again only you can know the answer there. Whatever you decide I hope you are safe at the moment 🙂

Sorry to hear about your family. Have you tried to get your doctor to talk to them? Being told you 'have an easy life' is never a way of consoling people. It's a bit like when a friend told me that he got over his depression by getting his life together and getting a girlfriend.... I was like..... "really?"

You said you've found things you want to do? That's excellent! That is a good step 🙂

If only fairy god mothers existed in real life hey? haha

Yeah, it's a pretty crazy world we live in. I often feel at times being depressed and anxious is perhaps a rational response to some of the crap going on in the world.

Yeah. I have a small plan to book in a volunteering session that I have to commit to THEN buying an xbox haha. Strange plan hey?

I'm about to write up my cover letter for that job too. I seem to be okay with writing but never speaking too much in public (unless its a speech then I can know what to say lol) But I like how you said this:
"Obviously dont stop being you and still try to do your est but remember no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes." I need to remember this because too often I link my self worth to things like work etc.

I think you are right - you can't change people's views. You can really only raise awareness. This is why I'm doing a funrun this weekend in the shire i live in. The theme is mental health and I'm raising some cash for a mental health charity I heard of. I figured it was a way of making what I deal with seem real. But then in the age of social media, anything can be scrutinied whether it's true or not. But yes, some people won't change. It really doesn't help about your family - but then again it's your health and so long as you are doing what is necessary to help then that's all that matters. Yes, it would be wonderful if you could have them being supportive but at the end of the day you still must get the help you need. So long as that happens? That trumps anything else. (please don't take that as me saying just forget about your family, I'm not saying that at all. I guess I just mean try to balance out that negative with getting the right help you need)

"The only people I tell or really talk to now are the people I have left who understand and thats my gp, psychiatrist and psychologist." Yep. I hear you 😕 But you also have these forums too 🙂 (also check out the beyondblue forums too - they are really good. They've helped me heaps 🙂

Yeah I realised after I posted that I said "i have 23" hahaha. I meant to say "anos" at the end of it. Spanish does a weird thing where they say "I have 23 years". It translates directly but makes no sense. IT's a bit like saying "I have 23 years of life that I've lived" or similar. Second languages are weird haha.

How was your day today? What did you get up to?

@MDT

im always in touch with my specialists so thats good i suppose. yeah im safe jsut dont know what im doing.

it sounds like your doing alot of great things. its really good to hear about the adventures your intending on having. big or small doesnt matter. your still getting out there. and doing a heap of great things in the community too- kudos to you for that.

wow spanish is a strange lingo isnt it- saying it in sentences like that is weird.

my day consisted on getting my hair done-turned out heaps better than i thought.

i went to my psychaitrist too which was pretty pointless

Hey @outlander

Things are rough atm hey?

I hope you are getting on by though. Sounds like you have good self awareness. This can be both a blessing and a curse though.

I bet your hair looks cool too. Are you one of those hipster types haha?

Why was your psych pointless? Is there any way you can change?

Buenos días @MDT 🙂