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Overwhelming Grief for Bast

BastSenior Contributor07 July 2017, 6:25 pm AEST

Overwhelming Grief for Bast

I am in the midst of MH episode and have run ourt of ways to keep on going.

I write to all people who care as a way of articulating my greif. Today I had to have my beautiful Bengal and namesake Bast killed. He has been such a big part of my life for 8 years. My husband went to enormous lenghths to arrange him for me, a pedigree cat as I was struggling with the loss of a beautiful rescue whose death was incredibly difficult. I came home to receive an intersting and delightful pedigree kitten. The thoughtfulness, compassion and love in arranging Bast for me will be with me always.

Bast was a full on Bengal - wild and willfull, personality plus. Bast truly behaved as per his lineage; a wild snow leopard cross. Bast was pretty well super cat, athletic and so strong.
Bast was brilliantly independent, loving as he required and when we moved to a 2 storey home would leap from the top to the bottom floor. Bast would also ensure that his needs were clear, he would literally yell like he was being murdered when attention was sought.
Bast loved to be warm and I would often come home to find a tunnel in the end of the doona where he had snuggled for the day.He would also climb into bed at night. He was not a cuddle cat as such - all pats were on his own terms, I do so admire this.

For Bast his early months were clearly difficult. He was advertised as family friendly, unfortunately early life experiences with a 2 year old child took a toll. He responded well though, 2 prolonged rounds of massage, soothing and full scale calming love worked. The fear abated and he became responsive.

His loss today is utterly devastating - a diagnosis of a tumour that was untreatable. To have had to allow him to pass is overwhelming for me. I know that I have done what is right today, although I simply cannot reconcile the experience and the guilt and self blame.

I love my Bastie Boy and will somehow contend with his funeral tomorrow. I know that my grief is real and the pain is normal intellectually.
At the moment though - all I can do is cry, I took a live part of my family to the Vet and brought back a dead child. It is just so hard.

57 replies

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In response to: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

utopiaSenior Contributor08 July 2017, 10:10 pm AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

@Bast. Your furbaby bast looks and acts like a wild tiger. Amazing gymnastic ability. And gorgeous looking.

In response to: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

BastSenior Contributor11 July 2017, 12:26 am AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

Hi @Former-Member@utopia@Queenie@Sans911@MagicAnt@carebear@thevorticon@sans911@Nik Nik@Niqueeta

The importance of love from a beloved feline can never be understimated I adored the lion/lioness forehead kiss so much - it is real.

A Bast story to share

Bast was radical in every way, he learnt how to open my previous fridge, the freezer and the pantry doors. He was so smart and influencial - he led my cat Oracle (large, deaf & persian) into supporting his projects. They would use the power of 2 to force the doors open. I would arrive home to find cats that looked like beach balls and raided food all over my kitchen floor. I tried stacking heavy tables against the fridge - Bast figured out the power of leveridge - the raiding continued.

As for the pantry, one strong paw repeatedly under the door would eventually open it and lead to cat bliss - chips, twisties and the best thing ever - gravy mix.

The pantry got a lock hook, the fridge had to be replaced as no amount of child preventative hooks were going to make any difference.
Bast just looked at the combinations and I believe pretty well sorted the solutions immediately.

I made it through my counselling sessions today - and did the best I could, I know I was not at my best.

On Saturday as a mature woman, I slept with a teddy bear - the bear got soggy as a result.

I am currently feeling him and looking for him everywhere although I have tried to send him to the earth,the universe, the environment and the right gods where he will be safe.

Yesterday was so difficult - cleaning up the Bast debri's - he was an indoor child afterall. I still feel so wrong.

A strong life has gone and I did it. Is it ever possible to come to terms with this. Is it ever possibe to forgive yourself for what is essentially a killing. The green needle is such a vivid image in my mind.

It is extroidianry to now relise that the work sh... is no longer the issue, I have lost my Bastie Boy, I do get that the workcover thing is a joke.

My grief is real - my public health employment was unessary torture although I think I am living through ä stay of execution before the next round.
Roll on the workcover reneging.

Tomorow I will spend some time at Bast's grave, It is like having to "flip switches" in my mind.

Thank you all Bastless

In response to: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

utopiaSenior Contributor11 July 2017, 12:31 am AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

@Bast. ♥♥♥

In response to: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

KurraSenior Contributor11 July 2017, 12:57 am AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

@Bast
You gave your Bastie Boy unconditional love despite his PhD in food theft. You gave him unconditional love throughout his life which extended to placing his freedom from pain before your own needs. There is no greater gift we humans can give to our beloved pets - to Bast. I admire your courage.

I have a soon to be 18 year old dog. I know that final day will come and can't imagine my life without my white dog with greying black spots. How I will do it I don't know but I do know that when her quality of life goes I will ensure that she doesn't suffer. I too am prepared to give her the greatest gift of all come the time.

I'm currently personally dealing with a majir medical condition as well as another extremely distressing situation. Work is my panacea and although I sometimes feel that I'm useless at helping others with their overwhelming issues I know if no better way to cope at a time when my current difficulties far exceed my capacity to manage my life adequately.

Your Bast may no longer be with you in his physical form but he's still with you giving you those kisses you love so much. Try to open your mind to his spirit which is with you in all that you do and say.

Much love and huge comforting hugs. 💕💖💕

In response to: Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

Unknown userMember11 July 2017, 7:59 pm AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

I agree with Kurra ,he will always be with you,all my animals,who are long deceased are with me,those from my childhood to recent years.It takes a long time Bast,and sounds like he was like my male cat,who lights my life.

In response to: Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

BastSenior Contributor13 July 2017, 4:01 am AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

@Kurra@Former-Member@utopia@Queenie@Sans911

Hi Kurra and all

I sincerely thank you for your kindess and support. Bastie boy thanks you as well - The reassurance that he is still with me helps. I feel the loss, the strong sense that my home is now empty and different so badly. The sheer outragenous and dynamism of his personality are gone. I so miss the Bast communications. My other furrbabies are also responding. I am trying to find whatever I can to give them. The reminders are everywhere, my children are always protected inside.

My beautiful white, rescue, deaf persian is still looking for him, they always got up to raiding and damaging together, Oracle is now as lost as I am. My others are also behaving so differently. I am trying to cuddle the uncuddleables as best as I can. They all know.

For me the sadness is enveloping, I have not been able to visit Bast's grave, however I will tomorrow. I have had to squash down how I feel to somehow provide appropriate therapy for the clients that I am working with.

I feel like I am in a house that has no atmosphere and drowned because Bast is dead. There is no sensation, no warmth and reminders that are now just stuff. The cat tree is still here - what for, for me there are a multitude of what fors. I have the pointy end going on again - what is the point of anything?

At the moment - The big question is why f......... bother. There is no point at all, so just surrender.

Regards Bastless

In response to: Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

BastSenior Contributor13 July 2017, 5:51 am AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

@Kurra@Former-Member@utopia@Queenie@Sans911

Hi Kurra and all

At the moment - The big question is why f......... bother. There is no point at all, so just surrender.

Regards Bastless

In response to: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

utopiaSenior Contributor13 July 2017, 11:25 am AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

It sounds to me like your other furbabies need to grieve as well @Bast. They also miss him.
Keep doing what you can. Hug the others. Cry with them. Keep them company and let them keep you company.
Thinking of you.

In response to: Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

BastSenior Contributor13 July 2017, 8:48 pm AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

Hi @utopia

I am hanging onto your words, the empathy, understanding and support are so meaningful right now. Last night the mature woman needed her teddy again, what am I doing..........? The TB is not Bast.

My other furrbabies are still wandering around the house lost. I am doing the best I can to support them and provide comfort. It is a 2 way thing. I remain constantly afraid that they are OK and am checking them obsessively. I have concerns about my 12 year old boy and am terrified to take him for a repeat experience. I do know that I will have do this, just still can't reconcile my belief that I killed Bast.

Everday I drag mysel up and the anxiety, sadness will surge - another panic attack on the way. My memories are so sullied and muddled at the moment. I am overwhelmed by the thought of doing anything and so afraid.

I get that this is now intertwined with the work fiasco, however my thoughts although torn apart and conflicted are endeavouring to prioritise the loss and the needs of my furrbabies. They are all munching fully through breakfast and dinner - always an important signal for feline health status.

For me I couldn't care less.

Bastie Boy

Oracle, P....sy, Articulate, Baby girl and Hecate and I miss you and will love you always.

In response to: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

utopiaSenior Contributor13 July 2017, 9:54 pm AEST

Re: Overwhelming Grief for Bast

@Bast. You didn't make him die.You stopped his pain. I have had to do it with a few of my dogs over the years. It is not an easy thing to do. Nor does it stop the longing for our lost 'babies'. But I don't regret putting them down. It was a loving thing to do for them. <br>One had cancer - it had spread before we knew it existed. Another had such severe fitting over hours, that again, there waa no option but to put him out of his pain. Even the vets with all their drugs, couldn't stop his fitting. To this day, we still don't know what caused it. But I brought him home and buried him in his favorite place to lie in the garden. And my son (very young at this time) painted a rock with his name written on it & we placed it over his site.<br>It has been many years since I lost these 2 beautiful natured dogs. I still miss them. They were family. They were unique. Individual personalities. But as with grief, time passes, and I'm now able to talk about them both. Without pain. Remembering their antics.<br>I hope this will come to you too soon. It just takes time.<br>Yes I get your pain. You loved Bast very much. And it sounds like he loved his human mum too. Remember that.

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