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Hi @Former-Member

I haven't spoken to you for a while. Wondering how you are going?

It's a nice sunny day at home. Going for a quick walk with the dog soon. Just did 2 loads of washing, vac the floors and mopped the floors. Trying to work out whats for dinner, that's always hard.

Hope to chat to you soon.

BB xxoo

Hi @Maggie

I am back from the doctors and that hay fever I thought I had is actually a virus!! Could explain partly the fatigue, headaches and problems breathing I have been having for over a month now. I think I have been going out in sympathy for dear Zoe. It really does make one tired. So bruised ribs and a virus I am one mighty mess laid up in bed once again lol. But my spirits are up and I feel okay (except for the situation with daughter).

How did it go for you today @Maggie? Did you end up gardening whilst the heat pump was installed? Are you feeling more upbeat than yesterday? It's raining here now but it isn't cold. Yesterday was 23 degrees here and today around 20 or 21 degrees. Apparently the hottest on record for this time of year. Each year there are record temps as undoubtedly there will be this summer again. I do hope the authorities take notice of climate change and start to do more...

The shaking machine sounds good - I think I have seen them in the shopping centres. What areas of the body do they work on? I like to get out and walk too but it's good to have this type of exercise equipment if walking outside becomes difficult for one reason or another. I am looking forward to more walks along the beach and where we are moving to has a gym 🌊.

I love how you see beauty in the simplest of things. That's the talk of a survivor - someone whom can see the beauty in life no matter how small. That will serve you well my friend. Just the way you described that cobweb made me feel really good. Whenever you experience these things please keep sharing as it really uplifts. Like reading a really good novel....

It made me happy also to read how rewarding forster parenting was for you. It takes a special kind of giving person to do this. It must of been very painful to part - but you would of given them a great start in life and touched their hearts too, something most don't forget. Very special my friend.

The grief of losing my daughter and previous children from my first marriage, estrangement (poisoned by ex and living far away from them to do much about it) - was horrific. But all I truly want now is for my daughter to become mentally balanced and happy again. To go on the straight and narrow again where she was doing well once and be around people who care, notbuse and abuse her. She owes the State fines and tax and for whatever reason is avoiding paying it which can land her in jail. She has lost her car an possibly her license for it and does not blink a eyelid. Makes no sense and our GP said it could very well be due to her bi polar, but that won't stop them putting her in jail! I don't think I would cope very well with this.

My daughter does not talk about anything, never talks of her pain or how she is feeling. She's robotic really. When's she attempted suicide there was no warning, no talk of it. She just did it. She really is in a dangerous category to do it again and there can be no warning. She appears fine and it's not a normal reaction to what she is going through. It's so hard for me to live a normal life under these circumstances - so instead of giving into how I am feeling, I am inclined to just put one foot in front of the other and do it! Within limits though.

So I have real stress and heartache this end. We can't keep paying and bailing her out as we would be doing that all our lives and she would learn nothing and we would go broke. And she does spend her money on other things...This situation always puts a dark cloud above my head and I try so hard not to let it stop me from living and achieving my goals, purpose in life. So very hard to carry. I don't know what else to do.

I do understand what you mean about music and other things don't get through the pain in dark times. It's then when we have to take it one day at a time and hold onto hope, waiting for the roller coaster to go up again. What do you have planned for this week Maggie? xxx

Hello dear @Former-Member

I am so happy to read that you are feeling so much better now and ready to move forward in your life in the most positive way. I was hoping the trip overseas would help you which it has. Well done! When low self esteem is present along with isolation - this is a recipe for diasaster for mental health. I am glad you have seen this and you are now working on preventing this in the future. This is what I also try and do. The situation with my daughter has had a blow on my self esteem and although I don't have family, I go out and help others where I connect on a deeper level which has helped my own rocky self confidence. So my friends are now my family. And it helps - although never quite the same as a loving family. My husband fills that void.

I have been on forums for years. I have seen so many come and go. Most will move on like yourself when they are better which is a good thing. I am on these forums not always because I am suffering mentally but because after my last breakdown I vowed to be there for others who are suffering similarly alone. So I will always be here - but due to outside commitments not as much as I would like to be but give what I can. And in my time of need I also receive - that bond is here and it is a beautiful thing. I have it in real life also. That's my own self chosen mission if you like. There is nothing worse than suffering mental and emotional collapse on ones own. There wasn't much help for me so I feel that's a void needed in the world to fill. I just hope I help ease others pain.

Thank you for stopping by to say farewell - we will miss you ofcourse but this type of departure is a most positive thing as it means you are breaking free from the chains of depression. That makes me happy for you and certainly would I love to hear here. I wish you every happiness you can find my friend. Thank you for helping us the way you have. The best in life lyes before you. 💜🌹

Hello @BlueBay - so lovely to read a post from you. It has been awhile. How are you doing now? As for me if you read the second last post to Maggie above, you will learn what I am going through. The situation with my daughter still has not resolved satisfactorily - it's soul destroying really, but I am managing to keep my spirits up most days. I do and have had some very low, distressing days but am moving forward regardless. I suppose where there is a will there is a way. But it can be very painful and hard (I don't have to tell you that). And is not easy.

We have finally secured our dream home by the sea it seems (although have not signed the dotted line yet 😬), but have been assured this time it will go through. So that is the good news. And I am still volunteering. I have been laid up in bed for awhile with injuries and now a virus which can get me down but am dealing with that on a one day at a time basis. That's my lot for now. How is your day going? 💜xx

@Former-Member I had to give up fostering because I found it to hard to let go.....so I understand in a small way what you are struggling with. First you need to look after you. A virus on top of everything else is a tough call. I'm guessing you are on antibiotics. Try to rest dear lady, you need/deserve that.

Yes I did do some gardening while the heatpump was being installed, but only lasted half an hour, it was freezing. I came into the bedroom and did some word finding. It makes such a difference having heating, my little girl is loving it.

I met someone a while back who told me about mindfulness. I'm new to it, but it's something I'm working on. I read a good book that really helped. If you are interested the name of it is..Frazzled..by Ruby Wax. She has a very good way of putting things and a great sense of humour.

I only manage to surface from the pit for short bursts of time, but appreciate it when it happens. I had a break today from minding my friends dog, she's not keen on visitors so it was best to keep her out of things here. Tomorrow she's getting a haircut which means going out, something I find extremely hard. I can go into Bunnings now which is a big thing for me. I'm a hermit really, people in the real world terrify me.

I hope you are resting. Take care. Thinking of you.

Hi @Maggie - I also understand why you had to let forstering children go. That can tear the heart apart - grief is agonising. But it lessens in time - the great healer.

So good that you are enjoying your heating - how long did you go without it for? That must of been hard. I find when I go without things for awhile my appreciation for what I normally would of taken for granted grows and enriches my outlook on life. Not such a bad thing sometimes. I am not spending anything at the moment until our new house is finished and furnished. I am drooling over cross stitch fabric and patterns - that's the hardest part.

I will have a look ATM the book Frazzle - I love a good laugh and some helpful coping strategies thrown in to-boot.

Have you suffered agrophobia by friend? I was like that for years when I had a breakdown. It was so liberating when I did face my fears and stepped out for lunch with friends etc - and ended up really enjoying it although at first anxiety ridden. The more I did it the less my anxiety became. After volunteering for a year my anxiety completely disappeared. But I can still have trouble when travelling in unfamiliar territory. At least I feel okay getting out locally and that is enough for me. I don't like to be in any position where I am vulnerable - i.e. Hospitals. My faith in a good outcome really has to kick in then to get me through without anxiety attacks. The latter I have very few of now - but can still happen. I had a bad one that day I posted struggling last week. But now I am fine. Do you suffer anxiety attacks?

If you want to talk more about why you are afraid of stepping out/people etc i am open to it as I went through it myself. Not so much terrified of people as I can be confident with them if not feeling vulnerable - but I don't trust straight away until I know someone very well. I think that wise. Some people's company I love and I really feel sad when they move away for any reason. I think I get too attached. I don't like getting too close for that reason also.

I am glad you are getting out more even though it provokes anxiety as isolation feeds fear and depression I have found (too alone in my own thoughts/pain). But I am I very interested to read how you find hermitisation. You are such a beautiful person. I look forward to your posts.❤️💜❤️💜🌹xxx

@Former-Member Yes agrophobia, panic attacks, severe anxiety. I seem to tick the boxes of most really. I have an uncanny ability to attract bullies and users in the real world. My counsellor tells me I'm too kind. I like to help but not be used. I think my childhood set me up for most of it, then the choices I made that just ended in more abuse.

The heating thing is my issue. Turning on a heater for me is difficult. I'm trying to learn to look after myself. Strange, I can look after everyone else, but have problems with myself. I've been involved in things that said to put yourself last, so everything's upside down at the moment trying to find a straight track. It comes down to self image, I don't seem to have any...yet..I know the theory, which is a start. Confidence is a big thing too. I always feel I'll say/do it wrong.

I have done volunteering in the past.

Your new home is going to be so special @Former-Member, I'll bet you can picture yourself there already, walking along the beach, smelling the surf, ah, nice.

I hope you get some sleep tonight. Thanks for the chat, special to me.

Hi @Maggie

How are you today? Not sure if we can ever be too kind just too trusting and do too much where at times we should say no. If I feel uncomfortable with a person I steer clear and will make excuses to do so. My intuition is pretty good, but if that fails and they do something inappropriate or start asking for a lot I step back and move away. If you do this you will always be safe. Also I keep to myself where I live until I knew someone very well. And then the rest I leave in the lap of the Gods to protect me. Don't be afraid my friend - just don't allow yourself to be used. You are better and deserve better. Nothing less - keep telling yourself. You are worthy despite the weakness of others whom treated you disrespectfully. Put the onus on those who did wrong, not you. You are then more likely to tell them to "take a hike" if they attempt to mistreat you again.

How is your day going? Mine started off not so good, side is hurting more so not sure if I aggravated it going to the GPs yesterday. My frustration is climbing and I am getting down. Will try and get to the volunteer work tomorrow, but just one day will have to do. Will this go on forever ugh 😑 And this virus or sinus is giving me headaches, so I am a bit of a sorry case today lol.

The sun is shining though. And everyone is alive so all is good. I am looking forward to my move, just hope my daughter has somewhere to go, otherwise that could throw a spanner in the works. Apart from cross stitch, what else do you enjoy doing whilst at home? You didn't enjoy volunteering? I suppose it depends on the work and the crowd we are with.

Anxiety and panic attacks are the pits. They are very hard to live with and can be debilitating if bad. I remember when venturing out and having attacks "I would just walk through them.

You are doing brilliantly I feel - but I know you, like me, would always like to feel better. What helps a little there for me is to stop worrying about the future and bring my attention back to the present and keep busy (can't now though and my mental health has declined some). And yes, building confidence. Surprisingly a lack of confidence in ourselves and others can result in anxiety and panic attacks. So it is a good to start somewhere - for me connecting in the outside world offering help and enjoying my friends at bingo etc helps build my confidence and self esteem. Laughing with others and Connecting with others.

I am glad you are doing that here @Maggie. Our chats are special. And I am always here for you xxx😊🌹

@Former-Member Have you had any X-rays done after your fall, something might be fractured. Your pain sounds really bad and it will drag your mood down. Do you have pain killers to take? I'm hoping your volunteer work won't be too much, but it might help being around your friends. Just take it easy if you can.

I did enjoy volunteering and did a variety of things and worked with good people, unfortunately, when I got really sick and was hospitalised, everyone scattered. I've found that really hard but also understandable. If you haven't had a MI, it's hard to understand.

I read, garden as much as I can. I did get good at walking, but the move set me back. I will get back to it as I was always out at the crack of dawn so as not to meet too many people. I need to make curtains for the flat but will wait for a sale first. I watch some tv but no violence and listen to music.

I have two dogs on my knee again. I thought the heater would stop them, but I might be more that a human electric blanket.

We are having freezing mornings, I can't remember having so many hard frosts before, but it might just be the move not the weather. The girl had her trim and looks and smells beautiful. I will see if my girl will have one for summer. She's very fragile and only goes to me, so I'll have to check things out before I leave her on her own with a stranger.

I hope your daughter will find somewhere to live before your move. Seeing her settled would help you just a little. Children are a worry.

I've just remember a deep heat cream that can be rubbed onto areas, I wonder if it might help? No doubt you've tried everything you can think of.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow at work, hoping you get some laughs throughout the day. Warm thoughts coming your way.

@Former-Member Hope you are ok......?????