My Story

Hi there. I have been wanting to join a support group for many years and finally realised tonight that there would be something online lol. Last night I had a huge fight with my mother over the phone and I really need to let go. I may go on for a while. Sorry. My story... well. My mother is 64 and I am 44 and she is quite a complex woman with I would say dual diagnosis personality disorders together with depressive disorder, eating disorder and anxiety. Ever since I was a child my mother has been a compulsive liar, had an eating disorder, suffered episodes of mania and depression. She is irrational and gets very angry very easily. She manipulates the world into believing that she is the loveliest person in the world who "wouldn't hurt a fly". And my favourite "my children have put me through hell and back". She is always "sick" with her last being a major heart condition and always seeking sympathy. She is a closet drunk and if she sees anyone with anything she likes she thinks not only does she deserve it but it should get given to her. She gets insanely jealous and will tell the whole world whatever stories about me and my sister to get sympathy or help. She has manipulated money out of everyone she knows and doesn't pay them back but will go on holidays to see the same rock star, to places she can't afford then cry poor me. She is a victim always and when I had a miscarriage she didn't even give me any sympathy just talked about her own experiences. My parents don't even know I was sexually abused because I was worried about how they would take it. Trust me the list goes on and on. One of the most wonderfully dramatic things she has done I suppose was when I was 15 she left my Dad for my boyfriend whom she had been secretly seeing. Then the day we moved out he moved in with us. This was all done with the only words being said to me were "you know how we feel about each other". Yep and she manipulated him to stay for 13 years. She has always denied their relationship always saying they were just friends but she is so delusional she didn't even think that we all knew exactly what was going on. Not only did he make it so gloating all the time, but we all lived under the same roof. Needless to say that I was a very angry teenager and have suffered from a long term undiagnosed depressive illness which I have been self medicating with pot since I was a teenager. until recently. Don't worry I have sought out help for years trying to understand her or work out how to make things better. Even when I was at uni I would have lengthy discussions with my Behavioural Science lecturers about her. In the end it was much better for me just to live away. Now we are back living in the same town. As I have some knowledge through my studies and my work which has helped me to understand and accept her, I am still a person and last night I just lost it with her. I totally lost my cool and yelled at her down the phone to put her straight that what she was thinking and accusing me of was totally delusional and not real. Sometimes I wish she would actually hurt herself so we can get her some help. I know that sounds harsh but I know this is going to get worse as I have been monitoring her since returning home. I feel like I have done so well in healing as much as I have from her neglect, manipulation & emotional abuse but sometimes like tonght it feels like the angry teenager just needs to be let out. Thanks for letting me rant. Not sure if it's helped me yet or not but I would love to hear if anyone else has something to share so I don't feel so alone.