I began the process of changing one of my meds last week. Had to wait until I had been to have tests done in hospital last Tuesday. It was expected that it wouldn’t be easy - and as I won’t go to hospital – even harder without having ‘additional meds’ to get through it. My ‘afternoon’ in hospital was very triggering, even before I was taken to have the tests done. I was re-traumatised whilst in there – apparently crying while regaining consciousness - nothing unusual there really – pretty much sums up most times when I ‘wake up’! – either crying or distressed! (or both… )
The side effects began from the first day of reducing my medication and got even worse when I was completely off that med for a few days.
For the last week the side effects have been debilitating. When the full force of the ‘withdrawal’ hit – head spins (whether standing, sitting or lying down), compounded by the lethargy and not being able to keep my eyes open - the result was both the physical and mental pain hitting each other head-on. Flashbacks (and associated feelings), continued distress and anxiety from hospital ‘treatment’, combined with severe nausea, headache, head ‘spinning’, tingling/numbness, feeling faint/fainting when I stood up or moved too quickly, unusual feeling of my whole body moving even when I was still, and it goes on…..
SI has very much been in the forefront of my mind and connecting with anyone definitely not an option. ‘Riding’ through this last week has completely consumed me. There were times when I could have ‘stopped the ride’ but being unable to move for most of that time meant the means and ‘motivation’ to do so were there but the physical ‘compliance’ was not.
My GP (and I) do not want to continue the gradual increase of my new med to the prescribed dose until I see my psychiatrist again – and she is on leave atm (school holidays!). I do know it takes time for any meds to ‘start working’ – and I did know this was not going to be an east transition – but I don’t think any of us realised just how hard it REALLY was going to be!
I also know that what happened in hospital last week has had a profound effect on me mentally and combined with the expected side effects of the new med – this past week or so has been what I can only describe as ‘torture’!
I stopped crying some days ago – a combination of no tears left and it physically pain to do so! That is when you really know how deep into the hole of despair you are in – the point at which you begin to shut-down and hope not to ‘feel’ again! That despair, the physical and mental pain – is still there, lurking just below the surface, not wanting to fade away, fighting to come out and reveal itself once again to the outside world – so I am ‘hanging on’ but only just!
I don’t want to say this will be the end but in all honesty I cannot say that it won’t! There really is only so much one person can endure – and my limit of resisting has been reached.
When the darkness from the nights pervade into the daytime – and there is absolutely no light to be seen - then that darkness becomes you and that is not a YOU that one can continue to endure.
Every minute I get through is another minute passed – but I do not see it as another minute survived but as another minute wasted. My ‘life’ currently is an accumulation of wasted time, of lost hope and of endless darkness. I cannot even take a single step forward as I am too tired and too unwell to put one foot in front of the other. I am totally lost in a sea of despair and physically unable to swim through it.
Little by little I am losing any will to live – and if this isn’t rock bottom then it is so very close. One more minute, one more hour, one more day – what will be will be!
