Struggling to Survive

Thanks @Ant7 - I wish you could take the pain away too

Little turtle - you have been so important to me - I don't think you realise what an amazing person I think you are. Despite the whole world seeminly being against you - you continue to show your humour, intelligence and (dare I say it) compassion. The fact that you are an Aspie is actually quite refreshing - what you 'see' is what you get - and there is so much truth in your honesty and we are never left wondering your intentions or meanings behind your words. and I know that when you have 'reached out' to me (with a tiny turtle touch) that the difficulty for you to do that shows how heartfelt and sincere it is - and I feel extremely privileged that you have done that for me.

( @Phoenix_Rising I wrote the above post before I read your last one - wanted you to know this as it seems that I have responded to your post BEFORE you actually wrote it!!!!)

As for life being my choice (or not) - yes I totally agree. It should be an individual's decision. I think I have said many times that I literally stay alive, stay in pain, stay existing in this world solely for others - but the consequence of that is my pain continues to grow and become so overwhelming that I cannot function. For all those that say - I Matter or I am important or I need to look after myself first - don't all those statements also then mean that I should have the choice based on what I think and/or feel? If I am continuing to go on because other people want me to then that is not benefitting me - and I am not putting myself first! If that makes sense to you....

@Phoenix_Rising I hope the waves ease a little for you

@Ant7 thankyou for being around tonight

I need to go - feeling really sick again - take care both of you.

@Zoe7 Awwwww you made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I totally hear what you are saying about staying alive for others, although I'm not sure that I know who the "others" are in your world. I can see that this is one aspect in which our situations are fundamentally different. I have no others. I choose to ride the waves because I want to. I know I am 100% free to walk into my garage and end my life at any moment I choose. There are no "friends and family". I don't even know the logistics of how a funeral would occur or how my estate would be sorted out. I have it on my to-do list to suss out the public trustee and how all that works. So yeah, there isn't a person on the planet who would be impacted by my death...except for annoying people like CheerBear, Lunar, Rockpool and Pebbles who seem to have slipped through a crack in my shell.

When I was super struggling a few weeks ago, all I could think about was CheerBear. And another time, all I could think about was a post NikNik posted about looking for a turtle, when I was late to Friday Feast. I know that people in Forum Land would at least notice my absence. However, I certainly have no sense of staying alive for anyone other than me.

I'm getting sleepy @Zoe7. I will probably be around for a little while reading, but I will be dozing off soon. I'm glad we could have this conversation. It really does bug me a bit when I see everyone telling you to keep on keeping on. As I said before, I would be sad if you die, but I totally respect your right to do what you want with your own life.

Night @Zoe7.

Night @Ant7 (what are you doing up at this hour!)

If you look up through the darkness and deep into the night sky

it is not a star that shines the brightest - it is a butterfly saying it's final goodbye.

@Zoe7