Struggling to Survive

I have meds to help at night. My psychoatrist has just added another med and increased the dose for the others. The problems arise when I have flashbacks and am too scared to sleep and/or have nightmares. It's all very complicated and long-running. All those usual things - warm bath etc. don't help - they actuallyoften make it worse - it is the vulnerability and touching that makes me feel worse @girl99

The darkness of the night is not only outside, it is in my mind also.I fear sleep and I fear what could happen if I sleep. Although I rationally know that I am safe now, it does not stop the flashbacks as soon as I lay down. I become so overwhelmed with the feelings that I begin to shake and feel physically sick. I am able to get more sleep with the help of meds - and I have had a few nights without nightmares - but the other nights the nightmares are extremely real. I do start to feel sorry for myself and get angry that I am constantly enduring such pain.I feel angry alot lately - and it is mostly directed inward and becomes destructive - to the point that I shut down as I don't want to feel anymore.

I’m angry that I had to endure such pain and violation as a child. I’m angry that no-one knew and helped me. I’m angry that I felt like it was my fault and no one could know. I’m angry that THOSE BOYS could believe that it was ok to treat another person (especially a small child) in that way – and get away with it. I’m angry that my Dad was so volatile and took out his aggression on me. I’m angry that my mother didn’t have the courage to leave and take us with her. I’m angry that HE had such power over me. I’m angry that every time he reeled me back in I succumbed. I’m angry that I actually felt so much love for HIM that I let him. I’m angry that my sister is in a relationship that is unhealthy for her and that I have to put up with the constant complaints and hearing about all the problems they have over and over again. I’m angry that I felt like I had to protect her as a child because I didn’t think anyone else would. I’m angry at those who don’t understand the effects of trauma and the on-going torment. I’m angry at the world for being so hurtful. And I’m angry at myself for not having enough courage to end it!

I have no advice for you - I don't know the best course of action. I am here and I am listening

@Zoe7 I am thinking of you sis...

I know you always are sis - ditto to you @oceangirl

@Zoe7 Have you been able to open up to your specialist about how you are feeling?

Nope - I shut down pretty quickly whenever the conversation heads in that direction - start shaking, feel sick and get really agitated @oceangirl - and she sees that and diverts the conversation quickly.

@Zoe7 I thought I was going to have a early nite because I was quite sleepy early on, I think the exercise today as helped me a bit. Hope everything goes well for you tomorrow. I was just looking at pictures from CWS.

@Zoe7 I started typing the last message and got distracted. I just read your message, I hope you are able to open up to her, she is there to assist you.

I thought I was going to sleep too @oceangirl - should have know better really

I bet there are alot of kangaroos in those pictures lol

I hope everything goes well too - on the plus side - I won't be able to say much lol so might get away with 'not talking' hahaha It really is too hard to verbalise everything anyway without 'shutting down' from the 'pain'.