Struggling to Survive

I thought moving my response to this thread would be appropriate @Former-Member

@Former-Member I wasn't able to respond earlier - and not sure how much I'll be able to write now - but here goes...

My health has deteriorated drastically since I had the flu last year (Influenza A and B together). This was also the catalyst for my MH issues.

I was basically bed ridden for weeks. I could manage to feed my babies, let them out (I pretty much had the back door permanently open so I didn't need to get out of bed several times a day), get to the toilet and gert water. I didn't eat much and I had plenty of time on my hands to think about all those things that I had tried not to think about for so long. This is when the PTSD, anxiety and depression started again. I had had bouts of them throughout my life but I worked long hours and didn't sleep much. The sleep factor has always been an issue but I could 'manage' to deal with the nightmares and flashbacks better when I was always occupied. I also had learnt to numb my feelings to hep me through. Getting sick last year changed everything. I was no longer working up to 20 hours a day/6 days a week (Saturday's I used to sleep) - my mind was free for all those 'issues' to reach the surface, and within weeks I was not only still extremely ill but the depression and anxiety set in and quickly my PTSD took over! Since then I have continued to be fatigued - a direct result of the flu and compounded by my MH issues. My GP has run loads of tests - including hormone and thyroid function several times. At the beginning of my illness I was having repeat bloodsd every couple of weeks - to check how much of the viral was still in my system - I think it took around 3 months for it all to be back to normal (or within normal range at least). I already had major issues with IBS, regular chest and ear infections (part of living in Tassie I suppose), a heart murmur, lower back pain and neck pain (from injuries playing sport) and very susceptible to headaches (which I believe are also due to the amount of concussions I have had). Now I have a persistent sore throat, some difficulty breathing (particularly at night and in cold weather), my body aches, I find it hard to move around and be able to hold things for long, my head feels like it is constantly filled with water and my eyesight has deteriorated. Basically - everything I used to be able to do - I can't. I do not feel like I will ever be able to go back to work and I haven't got the energy to do anything I once found some joy in. So where does that leave me now? That is the million dollar question! The answer for me is not one anyone wants to hear! The answer everyone wants to hear is it will get better and I will begin to start moving forward again. But my answer is 'I'm done!" I don't want to keep going like this and I honestly cannot see anything changing. I have gotten worse over the last few months, not better. I am sleeping more at night but along with that comes the nightmares. My days are still spent trying to avoid triggers and fighting off flashbacks - then the nights come again. I know you don't want to hear this - and I'm sure nobody else does either - but I am so tired and if I had the means available to me I would have ended it already. Everyone tells me to 'hang in there', 'I will get better', 'I can get through this' etc. etc. but my reality here is that none of this means anything when I don't want to keep going myself. I don't know what comes beyond exhaustion - but that is where I am at. My reality is filled with darkness and pain - and no-one should have to endure this!

I am sorry if this is too honest and too hard for you to read - and I certainly do not expect any responses (from anyone) - but this is where I am presently and it is a very dark and lonely place to be!

@Zoe7 Has your doctor looked into autoimmune conditions. there are quite a few that could be causing your symptoms and once you have one it is very easy to get another as they often come in clusters. just a thought.

Hello dear @Zoe7

I hear your despair - I know it and that dark and lonely place as I have been there too many times to reflect upon. I have been there lately. So please don't be sorry for being too honest - it's not a stranger to me. I am honest too so I wouldn't expect anything else. Suppressing feelings does not lead to healing. So I am fine with it. I just find it hard to hear you are suffering so because I care and want to be able to help you through that despair as I was helped. It took years for me to get this far. A life's journey really and there is still pain but also hope. But where I am different is I have my husband, so I am not totally alone. Just that I feel like it sometimes in my grief.

Often I have felt like I was done. I even asked my best friend a few years ago to help me end it. Thankfully she refused as looking back I could see that would of been a mistake in my state of mind and pain. I know what it is like to hit rock bottom emotionally and feel like I just can't take it anymore. I feel like that sometimes now. But my husband helped me out of that and I am grateful as now I am realising some of my dreams that once seemed impossible and I have made a difference in the community. I am realising there is purpose and that good is still there in the world and that depression can be deceiving. So is why I choose to keep fighting. It's a choice. But is still not easy - life isn't. And all go through struggles to some degree. But you are right, no one should be alone in it and that's why we want to be there for you knowing the pain and suffering. Hoping to ease it a little.

When illness hits and robs us of the life we had grief can hit like a tidal wave. As can that feeling of being useless. My husband felt like that when he was first diagnosed with cancer and for the first time did become very depressed (cancer was his biggest fear). And without being able to keep as busy as we use to the mind goes into overdrive and sometimes that can magnify the hurts. Hence why I am slowly trying to do more things now as I feel like I am going mad and that small activity I can do does help the turmoil. I still suffer nightmares though. I have to adjust and it can frustratingly take time. My husband adjusted in time and he now enjoys his life even being in pain everyday. But he is still limited in what he can do. So there is always hope my friend, always. It really comes down to a choice of whether to give up or to take a leap of faith and move forward regardless of the pain.

For me if I feel loved and valued then I have purpose to go on. I find that in my community work and with my husband. I had to work on this though and sometimes found it hard to find the strength. It gives me meaning and life meaning. And looking for any small good beyond my grief that helps me to see how precious life really is. We get one shot at it. I am trying to make the most of my lot. That's all any of us can do an hope things improve.

That's me and it keeps me going. Plus the fact that I am not yet ready to pass over into the next life. This is me being really honest. I do think there could be many regrets and that is not my idea of peace. Doing my best here is. That's me and my choice as that is what it comes down to. Whether to give up or not. I choose the latter. But I know you are not me. And I do know and understand that darkness and pain and I don't judge others people or their choices. I can only offer you my friendship and support letting you know it is possible to have a life after despair. To let you know how very much loved you are and how I cherish you and your life. You are a gift to me and others. To let you know what a truly special person you, a person whom I love and wont give up on. Never. Even if you chose to.

Always here for you ❤️💜❤️💜🌹xx

@Eden1919 @Former-Member

I can't reply - I don't have anything left.

Take care both of you.

Zoe

@Zoe7

I am really worried about you, are you okay???

Hi @Former-Member

I'm really worried about zoe. Do you think she is okay??

Hi @oceangirl

Yes, I am really worried about her to. I can't get through. Perhaps notify one of the moderators to check up on her? What do you think? She seems to be suggesting suicide and I don't think my efforts to deter her from this (being the whole point of the support group) has worked. Perhaps a crisis line might be the place to gain help for her as they are trained professionals??? Zoe hasn't been well this way for the past couple of days. I am worried.

Hi @Former-Member and @oceangirl

Zoe7 went offline a while back and reading her last posts here, and on other threads I have no immediate concerns for her safety. Looks like she may have been too tired to continue talking and I'm sure we will hear from her again soon.

Try and get some sleep and have a good week ahead.

Kind regards,

Frog

Thanks @Former-Member. Zoe did mention she was very tired and fatigued so that makes sense that she would of been too exhausted to talk.