Do you have a strong identity?

Hi @redheaded,

thanks for sharing your experience. Coming out is such a brave thing to do.... so I think you are an amazing person. I think people say "you have identity issues" because they simply don't understand what being transgender is all about. They think it means that you are 'confused' about your gender identity. You are not confused at all. You know who you are.

It is interesting that we use the term 'gender identity' very freely these days. What does that term really mean anyway, and is it misleading to the majority of people?

I am a heterosexual woman. I also happen to enjoy doing the whole make-up, hair-do, spray-tan, feminine dresses and high-heels type thing. I don't even know why this is. I believe it has just been part of my social conditioning. After all - those trappings of feminine identity are all socially constructed. There is nothing innately feminine about them.

For example, a couple of hundred years ago, it was men wearing the wigs, the white powder on their faces, high-heeled boots and lace blouses. So these things have only become exclusively feminine recently.

One of my friends always makes a point of saying to me "Why are you wearing make-up?" because we are only going our for breakfast, or something like that. And to tell the truth I don't even know why I am wearing make-up! I do think I look better with it on. (I have an extremely pale complexion with totally blond lashes and brows.... they are invisible without make-up.)

The same friend (who is very interested in psychology) always tells me that I am extremely feminine in my appearance... as though it bothers her or something? The interesting thing is that I don't feel especially feminine... I just feel like me. It's not something I think about.

How does one feel like a male or female? I don't know. Is it simply that you feel attracted to socially constructed ideas of what a woman should be? Because, on the surface of it, there isn't that much that separates men from women. I mean, if you put us all in short hair-cuts and dressed us in over-alls, we kind of look pretty similar- two arms, two legs, a head....

Well, I'm probably over-simplifying it a bit!

But another interesting thing is that I do want to write about feminism in my Ph.D, so the whole gender thing must be important to me. I guess the question is that if women and men really are so similar, as I believe them to be, how is it that women came to be so discriminated against, historically?

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I am a heterosexual woman. I also happen to enjoy doing the whole make-up, hair-do, spray-tan, feminine dresses and high-heels type thing. I don't even know why this is. I believe it has just been part of my social conditioning. After all - those trappings of feminine identity are all socially constructed. There is nothing innately feminine about them.

The same friend (who is very interested in psychology) always tells me that I am extremely feminine in my appearance... as though it bothers her or something? The interesting thing is that I don't feel especially feminine... I just feel like me. It's not something I think about.

How does one feel like a male or female? I don't know. Is it simply that you feel attracted to socially constructed ideas of what a woman should be?

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@Sahara I found your post really interesting because I too have always wondered how one feels like a male or a female. I am a woman...and I don't have the remotest idea how to describe what it "feels" like to be a woman. Unlike you, I am not into "girly" stuff. For example, I never wear makeup and I don't own either a dress or a skirt. Buying clothes is an annoying activity that I have to do when the clothes I have wear out, and getting a haircut is also an annoying necessary evil. So nope, I'm not into "girly" things at all...and yet I don't have any sense that this makes me less of a woman than other women who feel the need to own a thousand handbags (not mentioning any names @Former-Member ).

When I was a kid, I was very much a tom boy, and I did at that time wish I was a boy. However, it was never a point of particular distress. I remember once we had a dress up day at school with the theme of "colonial days". All the girls turned up in frilly dresses and all the boys (and me) turned up as bushrangers. I didn't see a problem with it and as far as I know, no-one else did either (but then I was only about nine years old, so maybe grown ups had issues with it that I didn't know about).

As an adult, a mental health professional once described me as "generic." I think that kind-of reflects my internal experience - I simply don't really have a strong sense of gender at all. I know I am female and I am fine with that...but I'm also fine with the fact that I don't have any interest in stereotypical female things.

I would be really interested in hearing how other people "feel" being either male or female. I am particularly interested in learning from trans people about their experiences. I think it must be truly awful to feel like you have been born into the wrong body and I am really glad that as a society we are sloooooooowly becoming more accepting of trans people.

I dont know what you're talking about @Phoenix_Rising

Hey, @Phoenix_Rising.

thanks for sharing that... I find your point of view fascinating. Interesting that your therapist described you as 'generic'. That sounds unusual to me... perhaps a strange term to pick? Generic.

Well, I feel generic, I suppose, but when it comes to appearances, I do like to dress in a feminine way. I think it has a lot to do with conditioning- where I always felt I had to look pretty or else I wasn't worth much.

Growing up, I had an older sister who was really pretty and a Mum who always had to look 'nice'- she took a lot of care with her clothes and hair and make-up. I suppose I thought that that's what women should do.

In fact, when I was 9 or 10 years old, I was a tom-boy too, like you. I loved climbing trees, playing sword fights with toy swords and playing with toy racing cars. There is a photo I have of me at 10 or 11 years old and I even look like a boy. I have short hair and freckles and a very cheeky grin.... there is something about my expression in that photo.... it's very un-selfconscious.

I suppose puberty must have hit me hard and I wanted to be feminine in appearance, as I felt that's where my true destiny lay. Note; it was all an outward act... it was just what you have to do.

However, it has come to feel natural to me and I like shopping for clothes and looking through fashion magazines. I like to doing my make-up.... it feels very normal to do it and I like the way I look with dark lashes and pouty lips!

But yeah, how do you 'feel like a woman' ? First of all, it's not like I was ever given any choice. I was born a female and didn't have any say in it. Secondly, I've never had the experience of being anything other than a woman, so I have nothing to compare it to. I am just me. I could never say I feel 'trapped' in a certain identity.... it's simply that I exist and here I am.

Phrases such as "I love being a woman" have no real meaning to me. What is there to love? You are just loving the fact that you exist, I suppose.

As for my body- I don't have any problems with it. I don't even dislike that time of the month. I don't find anything wanting... it's just a body, it does it's job... there is nothing to complain about. I am even fine with being short!

How are you @Missie? Feel free to jump into the discussion and tell us how you are feeling. I'm glad you have gotten something out of this.