Do you have a strong identity?

Hi @Sahara, there are some things in my life that give me a sense of personal identity. Off the top of my head, I would say the main one (that is just in a way mine) is my creative engagement with video making. This is very important to me and has been a real lifeline through lots of ups and downs in my life (as well as perhaps contributing to them as well!)

However, my personal identity is intertwined also with my companion, friends, family and others. Perhaps none of us really does find an identity that is solely ourselves in any fixed way. Because that's the nature of us, to always be in motion, even if (like me) in slow motion, lol.

Perhaps it could be that you need a break away on your own somewhere, or to visit friends who aren't demanding of you. There you might find some quiet time to contemplate. Is that possible?

But I may not be picking up the real meaning of what you are asking about this. Identity seems like a complex and fascinating question to me and I guess maybe it doesn't stop changing until the end.

Hi @Sahara

I struggle too with my identity. Especially now that amidst the turmoil I have to make decisions for the future. My identity is important to me, I just have to work it out...

Hi @Sahara,

I definitely have the "markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self" that is one of the diagnostic criteria of BPD. When I was at high school, we studied Shakespear's King Lear. One of the themes of that play is Lear's lack of identity. I remember reading the line who is it that can tell me who I am and thinking about how much that resonated with me. I told an adult that I super trusted, about it. He just laughed at me and said "you are Phoenix_Rising, now go home." I had my first contact with the MH system two years later.

For me, the issue isn't that I'm trying to be something that other people want me to be - I've never really cared about what others wanted from me. It's more...um...I simply don't seem to have a strong sense of self. Over the years I have read some stuff that suggests this is related to the constant emotion dysregulation of BPD. That is, if one day you feel totally competent in an area, and then the next day you are overwhelmed with anxiety about that same thing, then this makes it impossible to form a self concept of being good at X or enjoying X etc. I haven't described that well, but the way it was explained in the book I read, it did resonate with me.

Anyway, it is an interesting question that you have raised and I will be curious to read the responses of others.

Thanks @Mazarita,

you are like me in a way- we are both creative people. I have my art and you have your video making. I didn't think of my art as being part of my identity, but of course it is. Of course!

This brings up a whole lot of new issues in my mind.... because my art has always been a bit of a bone of contention.... which I had kind of forgotten about. As a kid, I was great at drawing, but I felt like I was aways being told what to draw... I didn't feel confident to draw the things I liked. My Mum kept telling me what to draw! Of course, I wanted to please her.

I agree with you that identity is not a 'fixed' thing and that all of of experience a range of identities over a life-time. In fact, it is very healthy to be able to take on a certain role when you are with one group of people, say, at work, and then later discard that role in favor of a more relaxed 'self' when you are at home.

I remember that I never, ever felt like I could be 'me' at work and that I had to play the role of someone who was very straight, very conservative, very concerned about my work (which I hated) and who just did whatever she was told, you know, for the greater good of 'the institution'. By the way, I was pretty much well-liked at work. (Except I would clash a bit with my superiors, as I have a real thing about authority figures! Probably due to my relationship with my Mum.)

Thanks @Mazarita, for making me think of these things and how they have effected me long-term.

Hi @Former-Member,

how are you going? Thanks for writing here... yes, I am glad you can relate to the question of identity. I am going to do some more reading about identity today.

You are like me, being in the process of working it all out.

xx

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,

thanks for sharing this... I think you have explained it really well. I remember reading all about BPD when I was younger, first as part of my studies, way back in the distant past, and then out of pure curiosity.

In fact, I did feel that I had some BPD traits when I was younger. Interesting.

The main traits I felt I could relate to were;

1. Fear of abandonment. I had this big-time as a child. I was very anxious, too. Later, I always felt it keenly in romantic relationships, although I think I was able to hide it. Break-ups left me devastated, but I did get over them.

2.Unclear or unstable self-image. Yes! I still have this.

3. Chronic feelings of emptiness. This was more of a problem when I was younger- say, in my early twenties. Doesn't tend to happen as much now.

4. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. I had this very frequently as a child. I would experience dissociation a lot. Even now, I often feel distrustful and even slightly paranoid about things and people. I tend to hide these responses from others.

Overall, I would say that I've improved with regards to these symptoms, as I've got older. It's interesting that in 10 years of seeing psychologists and doctors and a psychiatrist, none have ever suggested that I could have BPD- so this is probably a red herring!

Sorry, @Phoenix_Rising- I didn't think that you were suggesting that I did suffer from BPD. You were only sharing your own experiences.

But I do have the sneaking feeling that my trouble with identity does have some relationship with my MI.

Wow, @Former-Member,

thanks for sharing. Just reading what you have written, I would say that going into business for yourself would be a great idea... as an independent business consultant. I have known several people who have made the transition from management to consultancy work and they have all been sucessful.

I don't think I could do it myself, although I have worked in management.

Just touching on what you have written... yes, it is possible to become good at something, even if you don't like it much. I was the same as you... I was actually quite good at my job, although I more or less hated it. I was chosen for management roles several times. My profession was in demand, too, and I earned very good money... something that was difficult to turn away from.

Now, I have no regrets at leaving that industry, even though I'm getting by with hardly any income. Luckily, I'm a naturally very frugal person, which not many people can relate to, but there you have it.

No, @Former-Member, you will not lose this battle. I'm sure of it. You have come so far! Sometimes we have to go through a period of confusion while we are re-adjusting, after we make changes in our lives.

Hi @Sahara,

I too have a massive problem with my Identity. I had parents that told us what and not to think for my self. It was a vilent home life and by the time I had finished school I didn't know wether i was arthur or martha. since then it seems that every time I get out of hospital I have lost a little of what my parents bashed into me but at this stage there is no site of who or what i might be! It seems as though trying to be myself or find my self is slowly mentally killing me! ( Thats how it feeling) so what I am doing is learning from the mistakes of how i handled myself in the past and work on trying to wake up every morning and see each day what I can learn about the now me! In doing this I keep my self in the hear and now and maybe just maybe I might wake up one morning and find a new me or the start of the real me for the first time. It's hard it's going to be extremely hard, but the alternitives are unthinkable. I don't know who the real me is but while I am breathing I want to find out as much as possible.

It's hard, maybe if you don't already, you should write things down everyday and over time you maybe able to piece together new things about your self. It is starting to help me out and I have seen some small good changes in myself when I compare my notes with what my Psychiatrist 's notes from the past.

Best of luck on your journey,

Dogman