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on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 4:15 pm AEST

on the edge

I feel destroyed. So down. So frail. So unwanted & lonely. I have been having temptations lately to hurt myself severely again. Commit suicide, I suppose.

My CYMHS team has given up on me. I have given up on myself and my family won't get me support and won't allow me to get support. They also said that if I did do anything again that they will disown me. I honestly - don't want to hurt them and I don't want to have to go through the same difficult aftermath as I did last time.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't be accepted help (like what has happened before) and I am afraid that I will just continue be dragging on the floor like I am right now and hit breaking point and will do something irreversible.

I feel so stuck and so confused on where to turn. I don't honestly know what to do. I dont see a future in all honesty. I am not living this life. Things shouldn't be like this.

What do I do in this sort of situation? I don't know.

106 replies

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In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 4:54 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Hi @Former-Member

It sounds like it's become really tough for you, but glad to see you've recently been out and about in the forums!

It must be so hard to feel like the support has dried up from the team and your family.

Take some time out to read some old threads, and get to know some of you new friends in the forum. I see @Zoe7 has reached out to you and always love to see some gorgeous cat pics here

And you may kow about those crisis services have online chats if you want to talk to someone about the future and any suicidal thoughts you might have right now. The crisis supports are there for times like these as well.

See you in the forums!

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 5:10 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Thanks @Former-Member

I have been slowly going around and have been very thankful for @Zoe7 and @Faith-and-Hope have both been very welcoming and have tried to make me feel comfortable in something that is so new and bizarre to me.

It has been tough as of lately. I have tried many online chats with several different organisations and they usually appoint you to a certain counsellor and then they only like if you contact once a week at most. So it can be quite difficult and anxiety provoking when I am really in need of that extra support but don't want to be wasting their time.

Again, thank you

In response to: Re: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor13 June 2017, 5:23 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

This is a very different site @Former-Member It is a peer support forum primarily. The moderators are there to make sure that everyone feels safe and that content posted does not breach any guidelines. They will of course interject if they feel that someone is not safe but that is usually done in private through email. So I am sorry to say - you are stuck with us lol

You will never be wasting anyone's time here @Former-Member - that is what it is all about - support. There will always be someone around that listens - sometimes it takes a little while to get back to people - but that does not mean you are being ignored or forgotten - it just means that other things may be happening that make it impossible to respond. We got you @Former-Member - remember - you are part of the family now and you belong here

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 5:33 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

It is very different on forums. Having people - like you - that may be currently or have previously gone through a tough time also and has that level of understanding what it is like.

Yeah, I have had information regarding extra support emailed by the moderators here... but sadly most to all have already been trialled and I am just felt in the dark feeling completely and utterly hopeless. I will forever be this way.

I personally always tend to undermine to people regarding how bad I am actually doing as I hate causing concern or wasting people's time in helpling me as in the end -- it really doesn't create a difference or help.

People can't listen all the time, everyone has their own issues and sometimes don't know how to respond as they too are going through a tough time.

Tricky @Zoe7

In response to: Re: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor13 June 2017, 5:47 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

It can be tricky @Former-Member but I think you will find that many of us understand more than you could imagine. I have been exactly where you are - feeling like there is no hope and not wanting to bother anyone with how low or bad I really am. Last night was one of those nights. I was very, very close - you may have noticed I left quickly and did not log on again until today. I tend to shut myself off from everyone and everything when I feel - this is it - I can't do it anymore. But even though I was in that frame of mind last night - it was actually the people here that saw me through - this time not from support here directly on the forum but knowing that they were here for me if I asked - that makes the world of difference to me and I hope in time it will make the difference for you also.

No we can't all be here for everyone all the time - but we do think of each other and want only the very best for each other. It is difficult to navigate your own emotions and those of someone else when you are in pain or distressed yourself - but it is give and take here. Some days it is easier to give support and some days you really need that support yourself - everyone here understands that. So there is absolutely no pressure on you to feel anyway other than how you are truly feeling - and hopefully you will see that that is a blessing because we are more abe to support you if you are honest with us - and in turn honest with yourself. I hope that doesn't seem too much for you to deal with - I suppose what I am trying to say in a long-winded way is - we are here for you no matter how you are feeling and you don't have to hold anything back for anyone's sake.

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 6:00 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

I can already see the amount of understanding and compassion that comes through every single world - most definitely when I am talking to you. It can be saddening to think that people know where you are coming from in a tough time but can be reassuring also. I am so so so so sorry and sad to hear that you went through a tough time lately. I just thought you had to shoot off somewhere 😞 If I would have known, I would have happily kept you company and talked. I guess we both have that in common - closing off and running away from everything and everyone when times get extremely difficult @Zoe7 . I am glad though that you did make it through the night and that you are indeedly here today. I have said it before but I will say it again - that I am so glad that you have found the forums here at sane Australia. Maybe we are here because we feel INsane within ourselves and our thoughts and feelings.

Definitely, thought is always there for anyone going through a rough patch either mentally or physically and it is crazy how much empathy and care you can have towards a total stranger. I hear you -- it can be draining yourself to try to support someone when you are already in such a dark place but also very rewarding and -- helping others can help, help US. Which sounds confusing but I hope you understand what I mean. I do tend to though put all my energy into other people then I end up crashing and forget to care about myself. That is one of the big holes of mine that causes me to end up in such bad places.

I hope to be able to open up soon @Zoe7 it is just hard to know the right timing and what to say or how to say everything. I also wish that you too are able to open up on here. And are able to face your thoughts and feelings

In response to: Re: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor13 June 2017, 6:26 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Most of what you wrote @Former-Member I could have written also - very similar indeed.

As for opening up - you do not need to worry about that - you only write what you want to write and as you start to develop closer ties with people that will come naturally. My story is pretty widely known on the forum but it did take me a long, long time to let any of myself truly out - and only when I felt comfortable in doing so. The ongoing 'battle' does become a little easier when you know that others also know (as much as they can in the virtual world) what you are going through... and it isn't always what you say - sometimes it is what you don't say that resonates with people.

I definitely took a long time to ask for support myself - and I still find it difficult - so when I do ask it is not only a red flag for me but also for others that things really are not good - that is also the power of the 'friendships' you forge here - they know you better than yourself sometimes.

I have been here just over 6 months but it does seem like a lot longer - not because it has been difficult throughout but because there are people on here that I consider 'friends' and that I am closer to than anyone in the real world - time and distance is no barrier to understanding and empathy @Former-Member

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 7:31 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Two great minds think alike.. I think that is the saying -- no, actually, I feel so far away from the actual saying to be honest.

Definitely. However I do tend to always worry about opening up to someone.. as I do tend to keep and hold a lot to myself and I guess that is one reason why I am constantly overwhelmed and fall down so quickly. Because - I bottle so much.

I do not yet know too much of your story but I am more than excited and glad to find out more about you. Your words hold so much strength, elegance and power even though you may not realise that. It is so beautiful - and I am sure that also radiants in your physical life. Maybe, it just may be buried right now and ready to pounce out. I can already tell you hold those characteristics.

It is difficult to ask for help and support. It is even harder when that support gets closed off or denied. But I remember you telling me that you have a psychologist - so I am very glad you were able to take that step. It is something you should be proud of yourself about even when opening up and asking for help is still difficult. You made it this far.

I hope to forge some friendships, and hopefuloy not force them aha. 6 months is quite a while - being someone who is very anxious and internalized, I suppose it is easier to write and to form relationships on an online world. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing @Zoe7

In response to: Re: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor13 June 2017, 8:40 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

That is so sweet of you @Former-Member

At the moment I am not seeing a psychologist - neither my psychiatrist or GP believe I am well enough to resume therapy. I do completely agree. The last session I had a couple of months ago really 'broke' me. It was really lucky that I saw my GP straight after that session as I was so distressed that if I had gone straight home I most likely would not be wiriting to you know. My GP instantly cancelled all further appointments while I there sitting in her room. She also would not let me leave until I had 'settled' a little and 'come back' from my almost catatonic state. So I was there for nearly 2 hours. My GP is quite awesome.

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 8:46 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

nawww your GP sounds lovely although I am sorry to hear about your psychiatrist and psychologist @Zoe7 . I think I have said it before but my GP would always automatically send me to the ER and hold me against my will if I ever visited her regarding my mental health.

I am glad you took that step and went to your GP and sat with her for 2 hours -- I love that you are still here. I am sorry to hear that your last session broke you 😞 I don't know what happened but it sounds very traumatic.

So glad you are alive, you deserve happiness. You don't deserve to feel so horrible xx

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