Horrendous anxiety flare up

Hey @NikNik ,

Yeah I'll be happy to share my progress with my homework as it goes along. I like 'talking out loud' here

Luckily I have done language replacement a couple of times in the past - once when I decided to stop swearing and blaspheming because I was part of a christian youth group (ok yes this was a LONG time ago)... it was pretty funny though because my default exclamation became "Oh, Man!" - I sounded like a dead-set hippy.

And when I was doing NLP part of the training is about becoming aware of your habitual language patterns, and most people go through a phase of being super attentive to their Meta Model violations and trying to swap those out.

I only caught myself twice last night while playing a computer game, and reframed each time, albeit in a stilted and unconvincing manner (remember when Homer gives up swearing on the Simpson's and says "Fiddle-Dee-Dee" ??) - largely because I have not come up with better phrasing yet, but hey, it is a start. And so far today haven't trash talked myself at all. That I have noticed.

I think I finally claimed my inner child in that long post. I was also trying to be funny and cheer you up but made myself look like a dork. But better that and to laugh at self than to pick on others.

The talking out loud thing is good as masks and politeness are dropped .. John Donne .. no man or woman is an island, and all that.

@Former-Memberand @chookmojo

Just finishing off what was started a long time ago. My brother was the first into getting records about dad, but not his own ward file, and sister was first into therapy type ideas ... I just keep applying for bits over the years and I got some great records from dad's old school. my father was mostly a quiet relatively (compared to mum's family) educated labour voting man. I didnt hear bad language at home at all. None of them are here now and its my way of paying respect to them .. doing what I can .. maybe writing a book about mental illlness and suicide.

I wanted to be a writer when I was young but went into music as it was easier to earn money for family.

Having my files also helped fill in the gaps of my childhood memory and clarify and confirm experiences.

Narrative therapy suggests that as we "thicken" our sense of our own story .. some of the pain of it reduces .. Dunno why I do it.. maybe its the bureacrat in me. maybe I can say .. see I'm not incompetent ... maybe a competitive streak .. I have my own set of files ... tongue poke out.

That's great @Appleblossom, no matter what the reason is, its something that is fulfilling for you! Never too late to become a writer!

i do sort of understand that lacking of all the details. I know the general gist of my life and childhood but because things were so... dysfunctional I dont know much about my wider familly. I know my dad had a sister who he didnt get along with, and I lived iwth his parents until i went to school but then my parents cut off contact with them at some stage after I was back with them.. my mother had brothers but didnt speak to her parents much, was on and off and I dont know much about them except they're english... etc And now... well i dont have any contact with my parents at all or siblings because of their behaviours/choices and it being just too unsafe/too hard.

Just hoping to break the cycle of disyfunctional families with my own children (not made a great start on that.. but my home is safe and happy and loving).

LJ

Yes it is hard when things were seriously dysfunctional growing up to create a loving and safe family. But when we think in dualistic terms and black and white thinking we make it even harder ... Now I know more about the average family .. they are all flawed lj. Happy Days were on tele and happy families are in the main a fantasy, ads generate, and that we each conceptualise differently. But we have to lead our life the best we can.

I hope your life settles eventually .. my court days were among the most horrendous days of my life.

My son and students know I am not a monster mum but he also has pushed more boundaries than are good for me. My daughter is still fixated on me being monster mum .. or she just breaks down and cries and working like a trojan helps her forget it. I will always love her .. but I think the exceptional mythic load we place on motherhood makes things harder for women generally. I do think it is a feminist issue .. but some isms make things worse with their overgeneralisations. She will have to face me honestly one day before or after I die. I never really judged my mum .. her ignorance and pain too obvious .. I was very generous to her but gratitude to me was limited. I have just tried to outlive her and that was hard enough. Its new for me to be able to mention the deaths and realise that my mum was bitchy without break down in tears.

I def reccommend boundaries for grandparents .. I am none too impressed by the average grandparent boast out in the community about spoiling their kids .. sounds too much like vengeance not love to me.

We need to sift through the issues .. there were functional things about my father that I only found out decades after his death .. he was just dismissed as mad and I was told we were better off with him being dead. I "accepted" it at the time, but nobody deserves that. For some weird bloody unconscious reason I am so much like him .. I discovered he was far more than just a schizo. I thought I was mum's right hand girl but it was only when it suited her. hmmm. Then I got my file and found she had same label. hmmm.

I do try and cheer all you up and calm you all down, but put myself in it too .. I dont believe in just "support" if it becomes like sweet nothings .. I was invisible for a long time. It helps me to be seen ,, thank you all.

A gentle tolerant mental tone often helps me but I cant pretend to be like that all the time .. I can pace and rage with the best of them now. But I am probably too blokey, christian and feminist to be a proper bitch or witch.

Well it has been over 2 months now since the big flare up, and I can say that I am definitely doing much much better. In a lot of ways better than I have been in years, and still steadily improving I think.

Saw the dr on saturday and my meds have been increased, we'll see how this goes and if good keep going, if not I will drop them back. Things have settled dwn a LOT at work, so I can't entirely credit the meds with my improved state, but I am noticing changes - like decreased pressure to 'get things done', and less conscious worrying. Even slightly increased libido (Sorry for the TMI!!).

I continue to have mild but manageable side effects, the most annoying of which is some difficulty in speaking. My thoughts rocket along just fine, but putting things into speech is hard now, I 'lose' words, or say the wrong words, have big pauses, forget what I am saying - it is VERY like being stoned in that sense. I can still write easily though, it is just speaking that is hard. Since I have upped my dose I am getting a resurgance of the original wave of side effects too, so yawning, headaches, nausea and GI troubles, and grinding my teeth etc. I figure this will subside, so I am just waiting it out.

Haven't had nearly so much Sunday night anxiety over the last several weeks, though Monday mornings it hits me pretty hard, so there is room for improvement yet.

I have also stopped smoking pot just recently - with mixed feelings about the results.

• For starters I am NOT happy about doing this, but am doing it at the urging of both the Dr and psychologist, so I am pretty cranky, and them being SO happy about this thing that is ticking me off in a big way, is super irritating.
• I REALLY miss having my after work/weekend wind down ritual. I have yet to find something that works to replace it to transition me from go mode to slow mode.
• As a result I am 'going' most of the night/weekend. Fabulous for productivity, not so hot for feeling like I am able to relax and just stop. This is making me as resentful as hell because I work all day, then come home and just keep on working till bed time.
• I am getting super resentful that my husband is 'allowed' to have HIS indulgences (beer and smokes) while I can't have mine. While he relaxes I do housework and feel ticked off. I have taken to pinching the odd ciggy and need to curtail this as the last thing I want is to start smoking again.
• My sleep has gone completely to hell so I am SHATTERED. Both Dr and Psych were smugly pleased and dismissive of this 'Oh it's to be expected, nasty evil pot' type response. GRR.
• I am perpetually bored.
• And I get waves of crankiness because I damn well want to indulge

So those are the downsides, and depending on the time of day I get pretty honked off about them.

Here are the UPsides

• If I am reacting that strongly to having a break then this was getting way out of hand, it is good to be back in control.
• I have IMMEDIATELY noticed improvement in my breathing/asthma - workout's aren't winding me so much.
• I am as productive as all get out now, knocking stuff off my to do list that has been there for yonks. The house is cleaner.
• I have more energy, and I wake up clearer.
• I no longer spend the entire evening passed out on the couch/eating everything in sight. I am also spendig less money on junk food. I might even lose some weight.
• I am able to spend more time playing with the cats, which they appreciate and enjoy too.
• My weekend 'lasts' longer now that I am not losing great chunks of it.
• I have enough focus to read in the evening again, so I am watching less TV.
• Because I am bored I am doing more stuff, including trying things out, getting back into some hobbies, spending more time in the garden and so on.

I get pretty annoyed about the upsides too at the moment, because they just reinforce the idea that this is probably a good thing to be doing and I don't WANT to be doing it.

So yeah.....I need to work out a replacement ritual (smoking is a REALLY hard ritual to replace), and a way to get myself to slow down/stop, and sleep. Hopefully the obsessive cravings will pass soon.

Have been continuing to work on my self talk when I catch it. Haven't come up with much more palatable responses, so I tend to just state the facts eg instead of "You're an idiot!" I go with "That is not the correct way to get the result".... meh. It's a start.

Have not done my qualities I value stuff on paper yet but have been thinking about it lot.

Oh the other very cool/interesting thing - so in response to my new quasi diagnosis of being on the Autism Spectrum I have been doing some research and have had a REALLY strong identification with Sensory Processing Disorder. Like amazingly.

I had previously come across the idea of Highly Sensitive People but while I identified with all of the sensory input sides of it I couldn't relate at all the the emotional sides of it (and found the books about it WAY to focused on the empathic and what I consider frou-frou hippy la-la side of things) - but when I read about issues people face with Sensory Processing Disorder it is like a revelation - this is ME!! This is MY LIFE. Holy cow!

Right now I am doing research because I am not sure how much it helps to know that many of my odd quirks have a logical explanation... but now I know what to search on I can find resources and maybe some new coping skills. Huzzah! I will talk to the psychologist about this at the next apointment too.

I really loved this post @chookmojo

Can I borrow "frou frou hippy la la" please.

I went through a lot of the substance chemical issues in 20s and I like the clarity you have as you isolate various effects etc.

Nerdy aspy I am not sure .. I know I am both .. I am sure I can fit into an abundance of pathologies .. been looking at all that stuff for a very long time .. still have to hang out on planet earth though .. which is better with company .. so .. lovely to know you.

cant talk about routines though every time I get settled something comes along and tips it all over. Glad you are doing better .. could rave about herbs and herbs and herbs but gotta go cook cos the manboy is hungry.

Thank you for your post! And for its complete honesty!!! Im struggling to know what to write because I'm happy that you're getting off of the wacky weed lol... but thinking that might be annoying!! I love your list of things that you know are better, and hope that it just keeps getting better and better. As for not being able to wind down.. sounds like me, i go to bed at night and my brain is just so busy! I've been trying to use the 'smiling minds' app to practice mindfullness and quieting my brain a bit but its slow progress...

Good luck!

LJ