Isolation?

Isolated I feel like I am safe, but you wouldn't now as outward I try to get on with the people around me.

But I have been isolating the real me from the world as I am scared of what they will think I show what I think they want to see and reading this post made me think that is causing me more pain as the more I do it the less of me there is.

I put on my masks and go out into the world but what is inside is faded and more alone than I thought I was . I wanted to get back to who I was but that can never be to much damage body and mind.

But if we want to be included it is us who need to put ourselves in harm's way and slowly get outside and find new friends that we are comfortable with. I know that is what I have to do as I found out while I was in hospital for months of all my so called friends only three visited. I told myself that it was not that bad as was connected to so many machines then I wheel chair for quite a while. I thought if I had issues dealing with all of this how could I expect others to. But to tell the truth I wanted people around me but the more time went by the more I retreated into my inner safe zone and have trouble finding a way out.

We need others they don't need us sometime s we have to take a chance.

Scorpion

@SCORPION - well I hope you continue to contribute your thoughts here, because it's great to have you around.

Isolation

I have been thinking about the reasons why I have isolated myself.

To explain why I have come to this place I need to explain the person before Scorpion.

He was outgoing knew how to do many things if he didn't know he would teach himself how.

He was the one at a party that walked in not knowing a sole and left with a group of friends.

Then one day woke in hospital with machinery keeping him alive. Tubes for most body functions couldn't move more than right arm and sit up to 10deg only.

The room was the trauma uint which was home for several weeks. Then one day a nice lady came in and started taking my measures I asked what for. The answer was my slap in the face by reality . For your wheelchair of cause your going to need it at the rehab center how else do you expect to get around.

This may have been mentioned beforehand but for weeks I had been on some thing called ketamine I had been drifting in and out of the World. Now my situation hit me I wasn't going to be home any time soon.

Over next week's I was informed that I had shattered my left arm 10 breaks also my pelvic bones and various internal injuries and was a surprise to all that I was alive. I had better mention that I had a major break down while in the trauma unit and was getting daily visited by residential head man.

As anyone who has been In this situation knows the first things out the door is personal space and dignity.even to get a back rub involved a frame around me special boards underneath and a hoist to lift me.

To cut it down a bit quite some months latter I had a nice new life and friends in shenton pk rehab center I had a routine a litte personal space with curtains and it had become home.YES I had become instonutionlised. Than they taught me to walk again not the way as before but it is walking and get used to the limited use of my left arm.

One day when I got back to my ward the matron came up to me and said your going home . Oh when I asked thinking I would be given some time to get used to the idea. Answer was a shock the taxi was on its way to pick me up.

I have yet to to know who I am now I am not the person b4 the accident I don't know what I knew b4 I don't think the same way don't talk the same as I now stutter when nervous or tired. I am not me so I suppose I have isolated myself as I am scared on so many levels and hate a lot about the world and myself.

I have flash back's of the accident and nightmares and can get very angry without knowing why.Also quite a lot of ongoing pain which I am told I just have to deal with.

But I am sure that many have been here before I will find my new me but I does seem to be taking a long time. But now thinking about isolation and actually writing this down I sort of feel a little bit free of some weight.

Hope I haven't bord you with my outpouring.

Scorpion

Wow @SCORPION. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

When I read your post I couldn't help but think of grief - confronting the pain of letting go of who you once were. And now, it's like you're having to get to know the new you - someone that seems like a stranger.

From what you wrote, it sounds like everything changed in the blink of an eye for you. I can only imagine what's that like. I think for most people, things generally change very slowly (e.g., aging takes time, friendship circles, lifestages and so on). Sometimes things can can change so slowly that it's hard to notice. But ultimately, it's not too much of shock becaue there's time to adapt. Sure, there a shock here and there along the way, but generally life goes by fairly slowly. For you however, it sounds like you had some massive changes on so many levels (physically, emotionally, psychologically). It's understandable that you're taking a step back to find your way through it. And I must point out, I think you are doing an incredible job. You've come so far. I can only imagine what it's like having to learn to walk.

I read something today that really resonated with me: 'It's not the outcome but the relationship you have with it.' I find it useful because it provides some guidance for how to approach struggles in a way that I can foster a relationship with the challenges that I face rather than create conflict. Don't know if this helps, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

I suppose I talk about myself in a third person as I no longer know who I am.

I look in the mirror and don't connect to what I see what I have in my memory of who I was just doesn't connect with me. After the accident and experience in hospital then rehab I feel violated I know the nursing staff had to do what they had to do but to get through some of the events I disconnect from my body, it was like I was just observing someone else and I do the same thing with the pain. So I suppose I have yet to reconnect with myself and accept myself. If I didn't have such a beautiful person as my wife I not sure I could have kept going through all this.

I know there's many people who have been through much more and come out better for it. So I just keep saying just make it to tomorrow and I take on the next day then I just need to fight through today, but it is hard sometimes.

Stay safe all I have gotten so much from this fourm and thought I don't post all the time I followed and hope the best for you all.

Scorpion