Intro- mental illness and gender

Hi All,

I have just joined the SANE forum. It's my first time actually participating in something like this.

I apologise in advance that this story is just a 'me' story and too long. However, I feel like I've been to hell and back and need to tell someone, actually anyone, who will listen and understand. It actually feels like I'm still in hell most days. My story touches on a number of issues- anxiety, depression, psychosis, medication, self harm, border line personality disorder and gender identity disorder.

Mentall illness has been in my life for a long time but it wasn't until last year that things reached breaking point. Up until then, everything I had experienced had been put down to generalised anxiety disorder and depression. For seven years I was on a unique combination of medication and just assigned many of my life problems to this disorder. Everyday tasks seemed hard though and I knew life wasn't supposed to be like this. It just felt like something deeper was going on within me. I decided to try something different- coming off my medication. I thought it would help me work out what was really causing me so much grief. That's when everything changed.

Withing six months of being weened off my medication, I was hit with a complete identity crisis. It felt like a volcano erupted and everything that had been laying dormant in my subconscious for a very long time started spilling out. A different person started to emerge. I didn't even know this other person existed and yet, in a strange way, it also made sense. I started realising that what I was facing was a gender identity disorder. At 32, I had never questioned my gender and now, I was being confronted with the realisation that all was not what it seemed. My mind went into complete turmoil trying to understand how I didn't know this was inside me. I went through the memories of my childhood, I analyzed everything in my life, I searched for answers. I suddenly felt the need to change my clothes, hair and general appearance. In a matter of weeks, everything I thought I knew about myself was slowly disappearing. I was terrified. It was all too much and I started experiencing psychosis. I was being plagued by obsessive, instrusive, distressing thoughts and voices in my head. I was suicidal and started self harming. I went to see my gp. Together we tried to find a new psychiatrist. This was actually a hard task and took months. I tried three different doctors all of who were booked or wouldn't take me on.

I was now dealing with heightened anxiety, a newly discovered gender identity disorder, depression and psychosis. In a desperate attempt for respite, I tried getting myself into a psychiatrict hospital but even that was unsuccessful.

I finally found a good psychiatrist who I am currently working with. Slowly we are trying to unpack everything that has happened and continues to cause distress, trauma, anxiety and panic. Receiving a disgnosis is taking time but Borderline Personality Disorder is probable. Surpressing your true identity since childhood is bound to have dire consequences. I having been taking medication for my psychosis, anxiety and depression and assume I will need intensive therapy once my diagnosis has been confirmed. Everyday is a complete struggle and my mind is in mayhem. I am trying to come to terms with my gender identity disorder but it's hard to do when mental illness is at the forefront. One positive is that my self harming has stopped.

I still experience very distressing thoughts which make living and interacting hard. My medication continues to be tweeked which causes withdrawls. Hopefully I'm on a path to findind the right dosage.

I was living in a shared house. I now live with my parents. I was working full time through out all this but gave this up and am currently a student. I can't imagine going back to 9-5. I used to go out with friends but now I find it really hard. I look different and act different and my mind in on mars. How can I go out and have a good time?

Sometimes I think about how long it's going to take to recover from this and I feel like it's all too hard. I honestly don't know what the future holds for me. Everything has been turned upside down.

If there is anyone out there who has suddently been hit with something like this out of the blue and can offer any advice, I'd love to hear it. All I can do to get through each day right now is breathe.

Thanks for listening,

Kate