Intro- mental illness and gender

@Adge

Thanks so much for reaching out. I appreciate it.

I too am seriously thinking about transitioning. It's a huge step and one that needs alot of thought but as time goes on, I feel more and more like the opposite gender. My main concern is telling family and friends. They have known me to be a certain person (albeit a fairly depressed one) for all my life. It would come as a huge shock to them as it has to me. I don't think they would support my decision to transition.

I suppose all these things take time, like you have said. My psychiatrist also mentioned PTSD to me, largely from the trauma of gender dyphoria and psychosis. Its a tough road.

I'm glad to hear things have settled down for you after all this time. I think everyone deserves support but it can be hard identifying your needs and getting access, particularly when you are in a poor state like I have been.

@utopia

The 'disorder' topic is one that I haven't thought about much. I called it gender identity disorder because it genuinely feels like I was born with a brain that doesn't quite match my body. It feels quite biological, like something went a little haywire along the way (hence disorder) but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps my thinking on this will change in the future. My experience with dysphoria is that this happens because of the disorder- ie. I have moments when I feel really uncomfortable in my body which is because my brain works like the opposite gender. This is all stuff that I am learning along the way so I could be right off track but this has been my experience. I still feel a long way off being comfortable but remembering I'm 'perfect just how I am' helps- thank you 🙂

I identify as trans masc and have (partially) physically transitioned. (I don't want to fully transition). The realisation for me wasn't sudden. I think I've always known, even when I didn't have words to describe it. I can relate to a lot of what's said in this thread though. Welcome @kef

@-Rayne-

It's good to hear from someone who has experienced transitioning.

I'm still struggling to understand how this realisation happened suddenly for me. I've spoken to counsellors who have said that gender dyphoria doesn't just appear out of nowhere- it's usually something that becomes apparent in childhood. All I can say is perhaps I have been so disconnected from my life and buried everything deep down from an early age that I didn't even let myself think about who I really was or what I really felt. I never felt safe enough or confident enough to express myself. Strange I know but that seems to be what's happened.

I just remember being dressed as a girl when I was two or three and never questioning it. Until now, 30 years later. Do you mind if I ask you about your experiences with transitioning? For some reason, I feel a great deal of fear about it but also that it's something I need to explore. I'm not sure I want to fully transition either but I am certainly considering how I can express myself more fully.

@kef yeah it doesn't really sound strange to me that you would not notice it through childhood, especially if the environment you were in wasn't supportive. It definitely wasn't the most urgent and distressing part of childhood for me either - I know it is for some people. It was there but mostly not just background, if that makes sense, until puberty at least. It became more distressing then.

I don't mind questions on transitioning.

@kefmixed I would have to say. I'm on low dose of hormones and I'm hoping to have top surgery later this year. That's all that I want to do.

There's a strong sense of relief in just finally feeling like you're being authentic with yourself and others, which is great - I've heard others say that too and I think that aspect is universally good for mental health. But transition is also stressful - both physically at times and also in terms of coming out and explaining it to others. I came out as lez more than a decade earlier and so thought this wouldn't be so hard, times have changed, people are more tolerant etc. The difference is when you come out as LG or B you get to chose who you tell and who you don't. If you medically transition, it's out of your hands - visibility not just disclosure - so that's hard sometimes.

Also, depending on your diagnosis, it can take a long time to get approval for hormones or surgery. That's not a reason to not pursue it if it's what you want/need, but be aware it can require a lot of patience.

I hope this doesn't discourage you. Asking questions is good though. It's a big deal.

@-Rayne-

Thanks so much for your honesty and advice- I really appreciate it.

I think transitioning is going to be tricky for me because of my mental health. I regularly experience anxiety, depression, and obsessive thinking. Add in borderline personality disorder (although still awaiting final diagnosis) and things aren't looking good. I can't imagine being able to a) get approval given my state of health and b) being strong enough to get through the long process. The odd thing is many of these issues (such as bpd) stem from not being about to be my true self so transitioning would actually help me. At least I think it would.

Has the low dose of hormones changed the way you look very much? Ive seen some before and after pictures of people that have transitioned and they have become unrecognisable. I'm not sure that's something I want. I was thinking of the same approach as you- low dose of hormones and top surgery although as you said, its all a very big decision.

I totally understand what you are saying about being visible and having to disclose it. I hadn't given any thought to that so you make a good point.

Might be a dumb question but do you ever miss your old self? And how have your family been? I'm sorry for so many questions. I've just had these buzzing around in my head and it's great to finally ask someone. Thanks so much.