BPD RANT OR THERAPY!! TRIGGER WARNING

Hi All @utopia@Former-Member@BlueBay@Shaz51@Former-Member@Owlunar@Former-Member@Sahara@outlander@Former-Member @Baileyboy @oceangirl

Yesterday I did a lot of soul searching after being betrayed again by work. We have been on a 4 day week for about 18 months and last 2 months the work has increased and everyone is back to 5 days, the part time receptionist who's normal hours were 4 hours per day has had them increased to 4 days a week with full time hours and it seemed it was just me and another employee who wasnt back yet. A couple of weeks ago I asked my direct supervisor why as employees are asking me why I'm not back and I'm the HR manager. He stated to me that the other employee was still not needed so I'm not the only one and soon I would be back. Then I find out from an innocent conversation yesterday with another employee that this employee who is on 4 days a week is because he has requested that to help with finances (bit fo a tax dodge I think). So I am the only one signalled out to not come back 5 days yet and they lied about it, then 5 mins after I find this out and was very very hurt the owner asked me some questions about an employee and his LSL. In the past she has told me I give her and others too much information and I'm "too professional" so I have been just giving her the information she wants - now she is having a go at me for not giving her information that she hasnt even asked for - I guess I have to shine that crystal ball a bit harder! So I wasnt in a good place to say the least and now this morning like they are trying to get a rise out of me the owner, my boss and another supervisor are having a meeting about HR issues which I'm not included in! and I'm the HR manager.

I realised through all my pain that like so many others have said, I never get to say what is on my mind, how I'm feeling whether its wrong or right and I can feel it bubbling over so whether to below is just a rant, raw emotions I just want to be rid of it so I will try to put my true feeling and emotions out.

Please note none of the below is directed at anyone here it is directed at all the people who made us come here and is very raw and honest so may offend some.

Work

What have I done to be treated in this manner, you do nothing but play mind games with me, bully me, try your hardest to rip my soul out and to destroy me and yet stupidly I still put in 100% effort but I'm here because there are no other jobs in my area - I'm still looking and as the only income earner I have no choice. So you arseholes f k! you and your cold cruel hearts that seem to take pleasure in ripping other people apart. I have seen so many employees here treated like this and you move from one to the other like some dark foul stench who needs to suck the life and emotion out of good people to make you survive. I hope you 3 end up lonely and miserable for the rest of your life (as you are now).

Society

What sort of a cruel sick world this is when the most vulnerable people are treated like a piece of crap on the bottom of your shoe. I'm sick of people being cold, cruel, selfish and heartless. And yet you have the f..ken nerve to call BPD people mean and how we enjoy hurting others. Go f..k! yourselves you horrible ruthless people I dont want anything to do with you and your nasty mean ways!

Mother

You bitch! how could you let my father abuse me verbally, pyschologically and then sexually inappropriate and turn around and say "but he is your father" you sick bitch - I was 8 years old! how the f..K do you live with yourself!!! I hope you die lonley and miserable and it will be a great weight lifted off my shoulders when you and your toxic evil ways are gone.

Suicide - friend or foe

I dont know, it sits on my shoulders day to day like a friend. Even when I'm well the thought still sneaks in but it doesnt scare me. I dont want to die, what I want is to be in peace and left alone and the thought of going to sleep and never waking up actually puts a smile on my face. It also reminds me that life is precious and not to take things for granted. But I still have this feeling inside me that one day I will make my choice and be in peace for ever - this comforts me a lot.

I have to admit this does make me feel "lighter" so hopefully it has helped. I'm sorry if my raw feeling have offended anyone but I felt I needed to get it out as I dont have anyone I can talk to.

If anyone wants to use this thread as a way of venting their feelings go for it!