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Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

NikNikSenior Contributor22 May 2015, 5:32 pm AEST

Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Hi there!

Ask Anything Monday (AAM) gives you the opportunity to ask us anything that you may feel too apprehensive the community. We will post your question anonymously.

To find this week's question, click here

This is how it works:

Email your question to team@saneforums.org with Ask Anything Monday in the subject line
Every Monday the team at SANE Forums will collate the questions that come into our inbox and post them in this thread. We will not attach your name or username to the question. This means that no one will know who has asked what questions.
Other moderators and members will answer the question for you throughout the week
A new set of questions will be posted the following Monday.

Anyone can send us through a question anonymously, so please, don’t hold back!

Please keep an eye on the thread, even if you haven’t submitted a question, you may be able to provide support or advice for another member.

Nik

342 replies

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In response to: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor29 July 2016, 4:43 am AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday!

It is a delicate situation, but I tend to lean on the side of encouraging responsibility rather than caving into the illness, which may allow manipulation and not really be in the best interests of anyone.

It can cause a bit of tension. After walking on egg-shells for 2 i/2 years after his episode I am expecting more household contribution from my son (23). For a year the expectation had been putting out bins once per week. That took a lot of patience and reminding but his attitude improved and he could even be cheerful while doing it. I am upping the ante. I need to respect him ... otherwise I think my love will turn to pity .. and I would prefer that did not happen. So I am asking for a small contribution every day ... eg., a meal ... up to him .. but something.

I had an issue today. I told my son (23) he needed to do the dishes before he went out. He did not come into town as arranged and I was worried. I return home late ... he had just started the dishes ... could not manage both to do it and go to choir ... thats fine ... but self respect comes from pulling one's weight .. then later ... I made lots of pancakes and we had a great after midnight snack .... BUT HE DID SOMETHING RESPONSIBLE... and with good humour and not sulky like he used to be 2 years ago. Its a win win.

The expectation needs to fair to the actual state of the person you are caring for.

But sorry I am a tough love ... person ... with lots of encouragement ... patience ... humour .. little rewards ... at 32 ... she needs to contribute to her own life ... I am not sure if there are other considerations ... but some conditions on coming home .. seems reasonable to me ...

I have also suffered extreme depression ... but it was from exhaustion from physical work and grief ...

In response to: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

JennyKContributor29 July 2016, 5:23 pm AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday!

Thanks jacques very wise words

In response to: Re: Ask Anything Monday!

JennyKContributor29 July 2016, 6:20 pm AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday!

Thanks Appleblossom

In response to: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

1731LCSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 2:46 am AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Hi. I personally think your saying the right thing here.
With your daughter.
I my self suffer with Depression /Bipolar
& I am in the same mind frame as your daughter.
Though i have started back on my medication.
I know that we are responsible for our selves.
& if we dont try to help our selves.
How can we possibly expect others to help.
I hope your Daughter finds the strength to help her self.
Find the medical support to help her.
I wish you b I th well 🌈
I

In response to: Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

JennyKContributor31 July 2016, 7:10 am AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Thankyou,1731LC - the feedback & support is very heartening & I feel less alone as to what/how/when to do or not to do - well wishes for your ongoing recovery

In response to: Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

NikNikSenior Contributor22 Aug 2016, 10:13 am AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Happy Monday everyone!

A big thank you to @JennyK @1731LC @Appleblossom @Jacques @Shaz51 for contributing to the discussion.

This week's question:

I find my mother hard to relate to and for this reason, it's hard to spend time with her. She's clearly unwell and she is a very negative person - I find this really hard to deal with, because I'm quite optimistic. I try to be very empathetic, but there's only so much I can give.

She's my mother, so I know I have to make an effort and care for her as she is getting elderly and losing independance. It looks like I will have to spend even more time with her. I feel bad for feeling this way because she is a caring and loving mother.

How do you manage the frustration when you do really care?

In response to: Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

NikNikSenior Contributor29 Aug 2016, 9:58 am AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

It's a shame this question hasn't received many responses - as I've seen a lot of people in the same boat.

I will leave this question up for another week so this person can get some perspective from other carers.

From what I have seen around the carer forums, it's so important to take care of yourself - we say that so often it's almost lost its meaning. However, I think it's important to reiterate in this circumstance because taking care of yourself can increase your wellbeing and give you more capacity to deal with your mother.

Hopefully some other carers jump in and provide their own examples of how they have managed situations like this.

@Faith-and-Hope , @Shaz51 , @Eagle - I know you're all online at the moment, so I'm picking on you () to see if you have any suggestions for this person whose question is above.

In response to: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Aug 2016, 10:44 am AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Hi @NikNik

I am presuming my answer will be seen by the person asking the question if I respond to you .... ?

In my case it was my MIL who was negative, and openly passively- aggressively hostile when my hubby wasn't around or close by, but other members of their family were ....

I had to work out how to deal with this without destroying my marriage in the process. My sister has an intellectual disability and everything is dealt with negatively by her ....

The same principles I adopted will likely work for you ....

To begin with, recognise who you are .... I relate to the term "empath" .... if you look it up you will find it describes two things ....

Someone who is highly compassionate, sensitive, caring .... and ... tends to recognise and internalise the emotions of others around them ..., helping to carry them in that respect, but also taking on the weight of other people's issues, perhaps even believing themselves obliged to, as that is an empaths natural response ....

Is this description something you relate to ? If so, you will need to learn to guard your core .... place a filter across your awareness of other people's reactions and decide that their negativity is their own responsibility, not yours - this applies not only to your mother but to anyone in your life.

Next .... recognise where all these negative outputs are being rewarded with attention and begin to adjust your responses .... try to respond neutrally to negative comments and smile and engage eye contact for any neutral through to positive responses from her. Notice and pass a brief acknowledgement for any behaviour or comment that resembles caring. It will take practice. You have been operating without emotional armour and accepting wounds as part and parcel of a relationship with her.

Next .... you will need to learn to role-play ....

Imagine you have been hired as a part-time carer for a difficult client .... one nobody else wants to take on cos she's soooo negative !! 😝 ..... plaster on your best manners but raise a privacy shield of cool politeness .... an get on with things in a matter-of -fact manner .... providing lots of distraction .... and only relax into a bit more warmth when she's being nice. When she's full-on negative .... act coolly distracted and pragmatic .....

It's worked for me for decades now .... hope something here is useful for you ....

🌷 F&H

In response to: Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Lost1Senior Contributor29 Aug 2016, 12:18 pm AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

I have a fair bit of experiance with this...my husband is schizoeffective and when the bipolar part takes over he can be very negative and it is wearing and hard to deal with. My best plan is to try and get outside - get gardening or walking, whatever, as I find it helps to raise his positivity even if it doesn't seem like it at first and then at the least I get to work my fustrations out and somewhat ignore him at the same time until he starts to come around a bit.

In response to: Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Shaz51Senior Contributor29 Aug 2016, 7:50 pm AEST

Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Hello, welcome to the forum

My Husband Who has Mental illness can be very negative and it is wearing and hard to deal with.

My best plan is to try and get outside - get gardening or Do something , make a cup of tea , go for a walk in the garden , whatever, as I find it helps to raise his positivity as I am not listening and giving in to his negativity

It has taken time to do this , you need to look after yourself to be able to look after your mum , try not to take anything to heart because they don`t mean what they say

I find if I am calm and relaxed, my husband is also relaxed

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