Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Tough question this week and something I've had no real contact with on the carer side, but will try to contribute something.

I guess a lot of this will depend on what their illness is & how the behaviour is related to it. If it's outside the scope of their illness then it should be treated pretty much as with any other child. But when it is actually part of the illness it becomes more difficult. It may well be something they can't control & need care and support rather than being called out for it.

I know when I was a young adult I had violent mood swings, I was undiagnosed & untreated. I had no control of my actions at this time & resented any intervention or discipline. A lot of times it made things worse. Once I had calmed down I would feel terrible about my actions. Having to deal with others and their ideas of 'making me behave' just piled on top of it. I was being punished for something I felt I had no control over. It would make me feel resentful & isolated from those involved.

So for me it's more of case of determining when they need to be pulled into line or when they need more care and support instead.

Take care all.

good feedback @Drac0

I like this bit;

So for me it's more of case of determining when they need to be pulled into line or when they need more care and support instead.

Though I agree with you I also think Ille stay with my very short boring message. YOur expample of yourself is very thought provoking.....I need to read it again. Then Ille write something else........

you write this ;

I guess a lot of this will depend on what their illness is & how the behaviour is related to it.

When I thinnk of you and your guilt, I wonder how much this could have been avioded if your parents were being taught to care for themselves? There's a person going manic nearby my home and an aldeerly lady wants very much to be caring for him. Like a mother/son. I went to see her yeaterday and we spoke of how much she really wanted to see him and we both came to a conclusion that she should see him once every second day for a coffee for help an hour and to talk about the weather.

Take care, Anne

Hi everyone!

I hope Monday has been kind to you all so far.

A huge shout out to @PeppiPatty & @Drac0 for contributing last week.

This week's question is:

As a child, I always remember my mother being a worrier. Worried she'd left the iron on, worried we would get hurt when we went out, worried about work etc. I didn't think much of it growing up.

I've noticed over the past 18 months she's getting worse, to a point where I think her worries are stopping her from doing things. She's not going out as often anymore and is isolating herself from the family.

I'm concerned her 'worries' have turned into 'anxiety'. Now that she's retired, she's not 'forced' to go to work or maintain a routine, so I'm worried that she's going to become a recluse.

She has a great GP that she trusts, but I haven't suggested to her to speak to anyone about this because I don't want to alarm her.

I have two questions

1) How do initiate a conversation about my concerns?

2) I thought I would suggest talking to her GP about the situation, but are there any other suggestions out there on first steps?

Thanks.

When I cared for my mum, who was an ex teacher, and now my husband who has bouts of depression and anxiety, so I truly appreciate how, for some reason, they can feel less than they really are, to lose control of their independence of thought, so they seem to make up for it by using denial and the "I'm doing just fine" approach.

However, you are the one who cares and loves them, and somewhere deep in their heart and soul, they know that. So my approach, in a very gentle way, was to be upfront with them, talk with them, ask questions, and yes include their doctor, as you suggested. Sometimes, them hearing from someone else in authority, has more credence for some reason. Another way is making an appointment with her doctor for yourself to avail him/her of your concerns and what you propose to do, so he or she can have that information up their sleeve to talk with her about. And it is not a good idea for your Mum to know you have seen her doctor, so ask the doctor to keep your visit confidential. However, that for me would be the last approach.

Wish you well,

Fran

I have an aged Mum (87 tomorrow) who also worries about anything and everything and has done since I can remember. I never realised that it was a sign of anxiety until a few years ago, nor did I realise what a restrictive impact her worrying had on her and us. She spends most days concerned and worrying about a large number of things, usually initiated by the news on TV or something she's read. Her concerns affect all of us as she constantly warns us about things and plants seeds of irrational concern in our minds. It also restricts her life and has done for many years. To date I have had no success in getting her to even acknowledge this, let alone seek some treatment for it. Amongst the many things that she worries about her own health, or impending ill-health of both the physical and mental variety, tends to be one of her primary concerns. This therefore means that even suggesting that she has anxiety or being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder would infact create more anxiety for her. At age 87 I feel that she is too old to change now and have opted to turn a blind eye towards this unnerving and fear inducing behaviour. Using humour to cope with her often ridiculous and improbable fears helps as well 🙂

In reply to your questions I would be upfront and tell her that you believe she suffers with anxiety. She may not even be aware of exactly what anxiety is or how it can present itself so perhaps you can present her with an information brochure or booklet (usually found in waiting rooms) in the hope that she can identify with it. Prompt her to discuss it with her GP. If she is up to it perhaps a book about anxiety may be useful and if she uses a smartphone or pad there are some great self-help apps out there for anxiety.

Good Luck ❤️

Hi,

Though I agree with @Janna, I would be on the edge of caution. I would feel insecure on saying something so confronting to your Mother. I like the idea of writing a small letter to her GP as YOu are a loved one. Like what @fran writes;

You write;

1) How do initiate a conversation about my concerns?

2) I thought I would suggest talking to her GP about the situation, but are there any other suggestions out there on first steps?

Thanks.

I would write a letter stating your address;

phone number and

times in 24 hours when you are available.

You could also write if you have any concerns, please don't hesitate in getting into contact with me."

and it's up to you whether you write anymore.

Hello ,

In reply to your questions,

I would be bring up the issue gently like saying --- Mum you seem to be more worried these days and

tell her that you believe she suffers with anxiety.

and mu , it might to good to ask your doctor about it next time you go .

Welcome to another Ask Anything Monday! I hope Monday is treating you all well.

A big thank you to @fran @Janna @PeppiPatty @Shaz51 for your input last week!

This week's question is:

My mother is in her 70s & lives independently. I jump in & help with every request. I visit once a week. Once a year she says very hurtful things & tells me not to visit. My brother lives in another city & can do no wrong. He phones her twice a week.

He refuses to have any contact with me. He has only shown interest in our mother when he found out she was wealthy. I am starting to think he is isolating her, as I am her only visitor & helper. Recently I phoned her to tell her I was not visiting because I had a cold & I was afraid I was infectious. She got very angry & accused me of holding my nose & lying & mimicked my voice & said don't visit for 3 weeks. Afterwards I found out my brother had flown in & was staying with her. In the past she has banished me for a year.

I worry about her so I always go back after the stipulated period & she acts like everything has been normal. She will not discuss it. She laughed when I suggested a counsellor. I have a very happy life with my husband & adult children & it would be much easier to walk away permanently because it hurts me so much, but I worry about her being isolated.

She once told me she worries that my brother will no longer phone, yet she banishes me. My brother has always been her favourite. She is elderly so we have limited time together yet she has no problem rejecting me her only daughter. How can I make things better between us?

Hmmm this is a very difficult family dynamic to have to live with. I don't believe that you will/would have much success in getting your mother to change and/or agree to see a counsellor. What you have described sounds like a very unhealthy dysfunctional family in which your mother uses many divisive strategies to maintain power and control over her children. Unfortunately it sounds like your mother has a very unhealthy parenting style in which you are often used as a pawn/scapegoat and ultimately are being emotionally abused. The best thing you can do is to educate and inform yourself about dysfunctional families. Understanding the complex psychology of dysfunctional family dynamics will increase your awareness of the destructive relationship pattern(s) that exist in your family. Awareness and understanding is the first step. You can find a wealth of useful information on the internet if you Google "dysfunctional families", "toxic family" or even "scapegoating in families". Alternatively there are some great books dealing with this. You need to build up your own internal resources so that you can maintain your own emotional health in this unhealthy and clearly upsetting situation. It may also be very useful for you to seek counselling from a psychologist as this sort of stuff is not for the faint hearted.

Best of luck

Janna ❤️

Thank you! The research you have suggested has helped me see everything clearly & I can stop blaming myself. It is so hard to accept that a mother can be so hard hearted to her daughter, when I would do anything to help my daughters. One positive is I know I will never be a hard hearted mother. I just have to be grateful for what I do have & withdraw from the toxic relationship with my mother