Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

Hi @Shaz51,

I am pretty okay thanks.

It is hard to reply without knowing what the illness is. My partner suffers depression however it is still his responsibility to go to the doctors, fill a prescription and organise a meal for himself. Although I will help out at times if an extraordinary need arises.

As far as separating is concerned Beyond Blue have a publication on their site for download which I think from memory is Women and Separation which I think has a lot of helpful information.

Cheers.

Hi @Former-Member

I agree with you -- It is hard to reply without knowing what the illness is,

My hubby suffers from Depression too ,

Oh.that question.....yes well....it actually is a good one but I really like that @Former-Member pionts out about that publication on Beyond Blue.

Can I talk about myself?? Okay I will......@littleBuddha just said I always talk about myself on Sane forums so Ille try not to ........

It's really hard to just break away from what you are doing for 8 whole years and you, me, everyone here on Sane Forums....can all agree....we have all been there. We all might be doing it right now. I wonder why I have chosen to be with who I am in love with. Was this how my life was when I was young?

Was my life set up ...when I was young. I ask myself whether my life was about caring for my brothers and loving them but it was really hard work?

Look at Tony Abbott.......

He's back talking about joining politics again,

we may........ hypothisise that he may not know how to move on ?

How do you grieve the past?

Does this lovely person need to grieve the past?

Does the questioner need to rewrite her personal goals?

Agree with @Former-Member

thanks for asking @Shaz51.it's a great question to ask us.......

Yes I totally agree @PeppiPatty,

I was just thinking when I looked after children for 25 years as a private daycare mum how hard it was to give it up

and Then I got married to a wonderful man who has depression and I have now 4 step children who are all adults now

Yes @PeppiPatty it is a great question to ask us

Hi,

This is a very difficult question to answer due to not being privy to all the dynamics that exist(ed) in your relationship and without knowing the nature or severity of his mental illness and his ability to care for himself.

It is normal for you to feel concerned for his well-being and to also feel obligated to continue providing him with assistance, however, by maintaining your caring role you are still tethered to him and this can conflict with your goal of having some space and time-out to re-group.

My recommendations would be to introduce things that can be an alternative way of ensuring that he is having his needs met. For example:

* Set up mechanisms which can assist him that do not directly involve you. For example - if he has a smart phone, put his appointments in the calendar with reminders/alerts or get the medical practice or whoever to give him a call or two to remind him.

* Ensure that he has sufficient stock of pre-made meals and food that are simple to prepare for those days where he doesn't feel ok.

* Consider using community nursing or the like to check on him and to ensure his prescriptions are filled or consider getting someone else (e.g. neighbour, friend, etc) to take on this role. Don't be afraid to ask.

I think it's important to wean your way out of your role slowly rather than abruptly. Small incremental changes over time will probably see the best outcomes. This will also give you time to evaluate how well he is adjusting and coping. You may have to sit back and watch some parts of his life faulter as a result, and you will feel like coming to the rescue, but you are going to have to test the waters so-to-speak. You may be pleasantly suprised to find that he is more capable than you thought - it is amazing what some people can do when push comes to shove.

Look at this end-of-a-relationship as being a process. It took time to get into it, and it will take time to get out of it. Be patient with the process. In the meantime increasing your "me" time will strengthen you. Ensure that you use the space and time to really care for yourself. Break-ups are never easy on any level but when you add in mental illness and your caring role it would make this even more complex. Consider getting some support for yourself with either a social worker or psychologist. A social worker may be able to guide you towards finding other support systems within your local community, whilst a psychologist will be able to deal with the emotional component.

All the best

Janna ❤️

Thanks @PeppiPatty.

Caring for someone involves having empathy and compassion for them - whether intimately involved or not. As carers we are perpetually trying to strike a healthy balance between our empathic and compassionate sides and our own healthy needs. We tend to donate endlessly to the needs of others, are overly concerned with their needs at the expense of our own and often get ourselves to the point where we run ourselves into chronic exhaustion. We struggle with boundaries and lose our objectivity along the way. It's always difficult for us to know where to draw the line and to objectively assess how much or how little we should do. The art of being a carer requires us to constantly be aware of someone else's needs, without sacrificing our own. It demands dexterity which continuously see's us switching from another to ourselves. It's really important to not feel trapped, but balanced. One of the best ways to overcome this is to develop self-awareness about our own needs and challenge our inherent feelings so that we can make more conscious decisions about how much to give to another and how much to give to ourselves.

Not sure if I've made any sense here but I was trying to connect caring with carers and how difficult it is regardless of the relationship dynamics!

Janna ❤️

Hi @Janna,

that comment is totally true and sometimes it is hard to have a balance all the time which I find myself

Dear@Janna

YOu made a lot of sense...you say the carer is......always having to care for themselves, check on the situation and care for ourselves.

"we can make more conscious decisions about how much to give to another and how much to give to ourselves."

I like that you write this but.......you are lots more clever than me.

Also, I had a dream last night, about this poor person who is thinking about carer duties. I've was thinking about it for a little while yesterday.

Gone are the days I can ..interperet dreams or discuss clever words in a dream. So Ille write it like I always do...nice and simple.

This dream was hinting that I was never in a group of friends, I didnt have .......a gang of friends around me ever, like a lot of people I know. Neither did my huaband who I grew up with. We both .....spent times alone and not in the high school groups where we went to High School. I dreamt .......somehow.....that we were both different, that we actually cared for others. We saw things unlike our peers. And it was too hard for our peers.....to take in what we both said. Im not trying to put myself up on a pedestal, it just was how it was. When you write the meaning of a carer, yes, I think your right. Our peers, who couldnt spend time with me or my husband, it only was because we were both those things that you wrote about @Janna, we werent going to be lawyers, or top high Psychiatrists and make squillions of dollars. Both mine and myhusband were.....different ...we were carers.

Phew...I dont know if I'm writing this properly or it makes sence. So, I'lle simplify .....Iwent to see my old high schoolfriends and a few of them knew that my youngest son has had cancer. No one asked about him...it was all...look at what Im doing now. Ille buy you a drink and I've just arrived from Melbourne from a shopping spree......One person said...oh, yes, your son. I remember that he had cancer. and then changed the topic.....

When I was writing on Sane Forums, probably to my dear friend @Appleblossom or @MAzarita and he was hanging over my shoulder, he says, your much nicer now after the car accident than you were before.

I had this feeling that I understood where this question came from from the person who asked it. Your last comment @Janna would be something I would say but I dont have the know how to say it.