Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hello @Sahara

Sorry to read about your dads diagnosis. My husband is being treated for prostate cancer and they are watching a tumour on his right kidney. It's not unusual for those that are close to us to pour out their pain whilst hiding it from strangers. It can drive me bonky too. understand you. The anxiety for those who suffer cancer is horrific. It's psychologically gruelling for sufferers as well as physically. It's an insideous disease. My best friend wa also just recently diagnosed with grade 1 renal cancer. But it does seem they have it early.

Its not strange or selfish to go out and enjoy yourself whilst love ones suffer. That is how we keep our equilibrium and stay sane. Indeed that is how we do cope. Then we are stronger for them when they need us. We are all only human. You are doing your best for your Dad and that is all he can ask for. Good to read your sister is making the time to come to his aid too. He will need you both.

Hope your hiking/cycling was enjoyable and you are feeling relaxed and recharges. Hope the treatment goes well for your Dad and the side effects not too harsh xx 🌹

@Owlunar@Sahara im just gunna move this chat over to another thread so it doesnt over run this one and we can keep to the same topics 🙂

Thanks @Former-Member,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband and his illness. That must be hard on you both. Yes, I guess it's normal to put on a brave face for strangers and to let out all your anguish in front of close family.

I'm a bit worried about myself, because yesterday I just wanted to forget everything and enjoy my day and more or less pretend that my Dad isn't sick. It was a strange day.

Only once, in the afternoon, I thought "we are going to lose Dad". Then I felt terrible.

It's so hard, I only just started to recover from my Mum dying, and now I have to face my Dad dying as well. Maybe not this year, but soon, unfortunately. I just feels like there are so many obstacles to me ever being happy! That seems selfish, I know.

This is so awful, but I will try to explain; Last year when Dad was sick - I went over to his house and stayed there for several nights each week- I did the cooking and laundry and tried to cheer him up, which was impossible, anyway, but I did try. I also had to manage my sis and my brother at that time, who seemed to be oblivious as to how sick Dad was.

At the end of it all, when my Dad finally finished chemo, I was exhausted, as you might imagine. All I could think of was "no-one looked after me, when I was sick with depression. I had nothing and no-one and no help with anything." So I have this giant chip on my shoulder. It really is a massive thing for me.... being reminded that no-one was there for me, when I needed some TLC.

Yes, my parents and my family were aware of my depression; because I told them. I told them that I was seeing a psychiatrist and I told them I was on medication. Then..... nothing. I don't think my parents even called me once a week or anything.

I had to go to all my appointments alone. My partner at that time was in complete denial about everything and he just kind of laughed at me when he saw me take my meds or head off for a doctor's appointment. I think he thought I did the whole 'depression thing' to get attention.

My sis just continued to work 100 hours a week, so of course I never saw her. I believe my brother did call me at least once.

My friends did not do anything out of the ordinary for me... but they didn't completely ignor me either. It was business as usual.

I suppose I am still getting over the whole thing. Not so much the depression itself- but the 'not being cared for' part.

Thanks @Sahara I totally understand your resentment. When people suffer depression others usually don't relate to the suffering as they can for example relate to others whom have terminal illness. And a lot of the time we can become emotionally neglected because of this when ill. This happened to me to and do totally relate to what you are saying.

This resentment can totally cloud things when we help others whom may have neglected to be their for us. My husband who loves me more than life did not have a clue on how to help me when I had a breakdown; when I was severely depressed and anxious. In fact, sometimes he said things that made me worse. Sometimes I felt humiliated (he would say well meaningfully - don't be such a child, your an adult, don't whinge etc). Sounds horrible yes, but my husband is a good man who loves me more than life and has stuck by me through her thick and thin, and would always do his best to try and make me happy in his way. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand and that was his way of coping, it is ignorance really but his undying love was always presents, undeniable and got me through.

What helped me to push anger/resentment out when in similar situations that you are finding yourself in @Sahara so bitterness does not dig in it's poison were three helpful aides - a) I put my whole focus on the others situation not allowing my inner pain etc to shadow my compassion, by putting myself in their shoes and empathised to the best of my ability, full focus on the other loved one at that time I am with them - this usually pushes out any anger or resentment at that time (although the pain can come back when I am alone, but not anger, resentment as I let that all go. I worked out that only hurts me).

I would have to do that with full force of will when my mother dies as she was a bad mother, an abuser. I don't see her but if she's needed me at that time and asked I would go and push the rest aside. I wasn't cared for and neglected by her my whole and can feel enormous grief over this. And the longing for her love. That's why I like to keep my mind and body busy as feeling like this is fruitless. And I don't want to be further damaged.

b) I realised it is was ignorance and a lack of understanding on their part and they did not understand the extent of my mental suffering. And they loved me (except for my mother). The latter knowledge of love being there is most important - focusing on that love regardless how flawed. Your parents in their way loved you @Sahara. Keep this on the forefront of your mind when you feel you were not cared for the way you needed to be. That love gives value, even though imperfections flawed it.

A good example of when I felt similar neglect and lack of understanding of my enormous grief and resulting major depression was when I was estranged from my children. Worse than death to me. A lot never sympathised and still don't. But those who have gone through it feel exactly the same (there are many support groups for this in the states - we are behind in that way) It's because they have never been through it and don't understand. Same with depression and anxiety.

And c) I realised my Dad loved me to the best of his capacity (my dad passed from cancer) and he was a good man. So I pushed the resentment and hurts aside whilst in their presence allowing compassion for him in his present situation to come to the forefront rather than my pain. For this moment in time when with him I made it about him, not me. And I am so glad I did. As I sat with him all night whilst he was dying and when he passed, after initial grief period, I felt absolute peace I did the right thing having no regrets.. I felt his presence around me not long after he departed, I felt his love. And it was stronger.

With all your dads faults remember the love @Sahara for you that he has, even though imperfect and flawed. And this may help ease the pain of past neglect through ignorance. I am sure if your mum and dad could take it back they would. I wish I could go back in time and change a lot and make it right. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, the most important and can be the most heartbreaking in my life experience.

But also be kind to you. It is a tremendously hard blow to have only gotten over losing your mum, the grief of that, to only be faced with it again. And for those feelings of "why didn't they care for me more, love me more" being triggered once again. Unresolved hurt, mental scars are hard to carry and can hold us back from our true potential in everything. I try and not allow this and do the opposite to what my pain/depression is saying to do.

Living as if your father is t even sick is your minds way of escaping the pain. Avoidance of grief. But avoidance only makes the reality hit harder when it happens. Best to follow the heart which may tell us what we don't want to do or face but is always best for all concerned it the end.

Feel for you @Sahara In this difficult time, it's not easy - but one positive is that is you are having no difficulty expressing how you feel to others about it here and that is a step towards healing. Well done as expressing suchnis never easy. Sending lots of love, OTE ❤️

Hi @Former-Memberand @Sahara

Life can be so unfair - cancer is a terrible disease and the cure is worse than the complaint but sometimes it seems that the people with cancer have a better deal than the people with depression or another MI or even emotional discomfort - people with cancer or other serious diseases often get all the attention - but what about those of us with problems that are "all in our head"? Life can be so cruel

I had both of my parent until I was in my late 60s and I would say aloud that I wondered how old I would have to be to get into the Guiness Book of Records as being the oldest person in Australia to have both their parents - but Dad got very ill and as a man of faith and dignity left when his time came and although I felt as if my heart would break for a time it was his time and right and proper and I feel sad without him at times but I know he loved me -

You know about my mother -

Anyway - the first time I had a burn-out over my son I was in a private clinic and I got flowers and cards and visitors. At the time I was studying for my HSC and people told me it was too much for me and to stop - but I continued and went on studying for the rest of my life - still doing it. And my son went on with his life of increasingly serious crime and died - but after that first visit into hospital I got no support either and indentify with both of you. It seemed to me that other people could get sick and people would flock around but my reactive depresion was not on their list of concerns.

I would leave my family for years at times - things did not improve until a few years toward the end of Dad's life - and have gone sour again since - and yes - I feel pretty unhappy about that - but I can't change other people - only myself

But I find it really hard to reach out to people now - I have been knocked back so often I really find it hard - like everyone else I don't want to be hurt again - and I know I will be

My father's brothers and their wives are falling off the tree now - and I have two elderly uncles I want to see - one is interstate and I am thinking of going their anyway and letting them know where I am staying and hope I can visit and meet them somewhere for a short time - and the other one - I have my Grandad's medals and I think my other uncle would like to see them - and I know my cousin would - so I think I need to phone him and let him know I have his father's medals and try and set up a visit.

It's hard though - when my sister set out to be nasty so many years ago now - I bet she wanted to hurt me - she succeeded - but did she know the collateral damage she would caused - has caused. Both of my parents has terrible regrets - Dad told me about them in one of those wonderful conversations everyone should have before they die - and he was so sorry - and I was vindicated - but my mother never did except she told me they had done the wrong thing. She suffered for the rest of her life yet shut me out

So - yeah - these stories are all on a theme and this is so hard - brutal - let people live with all of this -

And those people with physical diseases - I guess I would rather not have one of those - but people understand that - a plaster cast or an operation or whatever can be seen and understood - but the sorrows of the broken-hearted are harder to understand

I care about both of you

Dec

Oh @Owlunar - your post was so beautiful. We have been down similar paths. I could relate to all you said. And yes, regrets, often voice themselves in the end and is the greatest pain.

(quote) "The sorrows of the broken-hearted seem harder to understand"

Indeed it seems that way my friend unless they walk down that path or put on our shoes. Even though grief is the greatest agony.

When a person is broken and their fervour of life comes to an end, that is the hardest ill to mend

I care about you too very much xx 😘

Thanks @Former-Member

Things are changing and the medical profession is starting to understand the unhappiness of people with MI - emotional fragility - PTSD - and hopefully things are improving

I have been told that people like my grandparents lived through two world wars and the depression and life was very hard and I agree - I can remember the end of WW2 - but still

Although it was hard for them - this doesn't lessen the truth that life is hard for people with Emotional Discomfort of all kinds - and I really hate it that I get the hard lives of previous generations thrown in my face from time to time - the world is a different place

Actually - there was a bridge disaster in Scotland in the C19th - and yet when I looked through Australian newspapers from that time - nothing about that disaster was reported there - yet now on the internet there is all sorts of information - and yet one of my ancestors was involved in that so it is a family story.

Now days if there was a disaster in Scotland the whole world would know - if fact - there was - and all the disasters around the world - natural and otherwise - hit the News and other social media - and I have this feeling that before the news of anything could be spread so easily the population often lived in the Bliss of Ignorance unless it affected them in some way

Now life is harder and people suffer more and people need help with all those unseen disorders that seem to be new to the world - earlier psychiatrists and psychologists really did start the world on a quest to find out more about how the mind works - and I do think that more will be done in the future

I think it happens because people with courage examine these things

The stories I read here are so hard I wonder how many people get from day to day - and it seems that some professional people have no idea what to do

I feel sad and angry about that

Dec

Tankks @Owlunar and @Former-Member,

for sharing your stories here. It's good to know that people can relate to how I feel.

I have to let go of the bitterness I feel, as I know it prevents me from making new friends and getting closer to the friends that I already have.

My sis rang me before and she was on the way to visit my Dad in hospital. She was very apprehensive about spending time with him because of his negativity... she feels a lot like I did.... so she does understand me.

It's just that, in the past, she was always able to limit her visits to our Dad (and previously to both our parents) to 45 minutes or less, because she was aways in a rush to get back to work. She never felt 'trapped' with them, like I did, because I had to travel a long distance to see them, then of course I was stuck at their house.

I gave my sis a good pep talk over the phone! I said, "If Dad gets too much for you, then just leave the hospital for a few hours- pretend you have phone calls to make..." Yes, it has come to that... he really is that much of an emotional drainer. My sis and I feel the same way.

Thanks for your good and kind advice @Former-Member, about focusing all my attention on my Dad while I am with him. I do try to do that. I don't know if I am successful.

We had a funny conversation this time last week. My Dad said:

"I just can't stand going to all these doctors' appointments!"

I said: "Well, you haven't had all that many appointments, in the great scheme of things.... I think in my life (which is much shorter, by comarison) I've had more doctors' appointments than you have. And do you know what? I was always so grateful that there were doctors there to help me... You know, Dad, in some countries they don't have any medical care at all. They have nothing."

But I don't think this kind of reasoning really helps my Dad. I don't think he really appriciated my efforts! Sometimes I just have no idea what to say to him.

Warning: contains frank conversation about SI. May be upsetting for those who have SI.

Another conversation I had with my Dad.

Him: "I just wish I had passed on when your Mother died. I shouldn't be here without her."

Me: "Yeah, I remember having those feelings, years ago, too. Like I didn't want to be around any more."

Him: "But you have everything to live for!!"

Me: "Yes, perhaps now I do, but back then I didn't feel as though I had much at all."

Him: silence.

I don't think Dad remembers that I ever suffered from depression. If he does, he can't talk about it for some reason? Does he not have any empathy for me at all or is he just too embarrassed to say anything? That conversation went no-where. I don't think I am able to help my Dad with my non-existent counseling skills!

Oh. well. I do try!

Frank discussion about grief - could be upsetting

Thanks for sharing @Sahara - it is helpful to build up a personal database in my own mind about what other people are going through

It's good that you are communicating with your sister - able to share what a burden seeing your father is - and yes - she always has to go back to work - I guess she can refer to her phone and say - "Wow all these texts/emails" and leave gracefully for a time

You could do the same - would your Dad know? - but then - I get it

I understand your second post - ah - my mother would not let me grieve for my son at his funeral and then afterwards didn't want to hear about it - believe what I knew to be the truth and the thought that I might grieve was not on her radar at all - so horrible - I felt as if I carried the grief load for the whole family and in retrospect - I did

But after my father died my mother dropped her bundle and lost the plot entirely - and I found this incredibly hard to endure - to remotely understand - like she was entitled and I was not

Personally - as bad as grief is - no one has the right to drop their entire bundle to the point they think they should die - yes - grieve and take time out to mourn - Queen Victoria took about 20 years off being the monarch when Prince Albert died - I feel that was excessive - other people can think differently

Sometimes I think I am unreasonable as I do not know what it is like to have my husband die - but then - I have lived alone for nearly 27 years - and find it is better - it's possible - it's okay

I think my anger is directed at my mother and all right for me to feel this way because it doesn't consume me - it is better to feel anger than push it down and feel depression

Also - a whole family grieves when a member dies - not just one person - so - it's rough to push all the grief-work onto one person and really sad that one person feels they have nothing to live for when someone dies

I struggle with these feelings

Dec