What is normal in the world

Hi @Former-Member,

I think I can relate to you. I do not seem to want normal things either. It makes it a bit harder to feel like you fit in when you don't have the "normal" and "average" goals that everyone else seems to have.

I think you are like me too, in that you are very sensitive to those around you and what they are doing. I often wish I could relax enough so as I don't care what other people think.... sometimes I am able to do this, but often I am not.

When you say that everyone seems happy running around after their kids and their 9 to 5 jobs... Well, they might seem happy, but many of them are not. A lot of people are smiling but they are faking it. I often think that people are not especially happy, but they are busy which sort of amounts to the same thing in this world.... being busy is worshipped!

I am not busy. I do not have children and like you, I never wanted them. The simple reason I didn't want them is that they looked like a lot of work! I didn't see parenthood as a rewarding pass-time and I still can't understand that others do. The other day I was at a social gathering and I was holding a friend's baby (as that is what women are supposed to want to do, right? We all have to love holding babies, right? It's an unwritten law.) The baby was unsettled and I missed out on heaps of conversation because of it and I felt annoyed! I would rather intelligent conversation any day, over holding a baby. I would rather read a good book than hold a baby. I would also rather make art, bake a cake, walk in nature, go swimming, work on my tan, chat on the phone or practically anything else!! True.

The other thing is, I would strongly suspect that my children, if I had them, would grow up to judge me harshly, just as I judge my own parents very harshly (and they weren't even all that bad.) What a strange thing to think of.... but that's how I feel. I really do like being left alone and to have no-one bother me! Children bother you all the time. That's what they do.

But I will say, @Former-Member, you do sound a little bit depressed, maybe? I know you are saying that your feelings are not related to depression, but sometimes depression is very deceptive and creeps up on us. It plays a few tricks on us.

@Former-Member, you might also like to explore what you mean when you say you are 'constantly wanting more'? You want more from life, but you don't want a career and you don't want kids. You are off to a good start... I mean, it seems obvious to me that you want something unconventional, but that you don't know what it is?

For me, that unconventional thing that I want to do is my art. I want to go back to uni and get my Phd by research in Visual Arts. I really would like to publish my thesis as a small book, too. (This goal might sound a bit grandiose, but it's within my capabilities, as I already have a Master's degree and I have had a lot of exhibitions as an artist now.... I believe my goal is achievable)

What would you like to do if the world really was you oyster, @Former-Member? Just suspend disbelief for a moment and think about what you really want. It might not come to you straight away.

Hi @Former-Member,

is does sound a bit like depression to me, although I am not an expert and please don't take my word for it. I believe I had symptoms of depression when I was as young as 5 years old... so I wonder if you weren't depressed way back then, too?

I had my first major panic attack at 8 years of age and I remember it as though is was yesterday. I had SI at that time- yes, at 8 years of age! I remember those thoughts well. Happily, I no longer suffer from SI, but I experience mild depression which I no longer take medication for.

At 5 years of age, I used to disassociate quite a bit and was withdrawn and fearful. My parents turned a blind eye to this as they were busy. Sad but true.

I wonder if you did not have some problems with mental health way back when you were 5 years old?

I think questioning society and it's values is a very normal thing to do... but it shouldn't make you feel depressed. I also think that wanting "more and more" and "bigger and better" is also very common, but it nothing to worry about. It's just the way materialist, capitalist society operates.

@Former-Member, I've enjoyed reading how you view life, you try so hard to figure it all out and work out where you fit, it seems. But gosh I don't think were meant to get every step right or fit the mould - life is messy, there's so many variables that make perfection impossible in our carbon state.

🌿 I have trouble with intimacy and committment and mood but being heavily conditioned to have a family, that 30yr biological clock took over, did the family thing the hard way, backwards, it didn't work, lots of trauma, and courts and even loss. Had to cope mostly alone re trust and my stuffed up origins, it took a lot out of me. But my boys turned out OK so far thank God. I wasn't a natural, more trouble with spouse than parenting but it was all hard work every day, for so f#@£% long. I forgot how to have fun. Now they've all left home and im alone I'm having to work out who I am, what now? what matters... etc

🌿 For me its become a survival thing, a case of what I create rather than life picking me up and carrying me along (slow learner). Even discovered I don't have to be slave to my feelings (which are all over the shop). Mindfulness and Self-Compassion have helped me so much in recent times - and I'm learning I don't have to understand everything all at once - but work at maximum awareness in a tiny present moment (there's so much we don't notice). Furthermore I can make the present moment as pleasant / meaningful as I want, even if its only for one or two minutes - its a seed that grows. Easier to move a wheel that's already rolling. I don't believe in 'happy' - rather peace and sometimes joy. Still a fledgling with meditation.

🌿Anyway, hope i made sense - you've made me think, thank you, and all other posts.

🌿Oh, your original question "what's normal?" I believe the answer is 60% But who says we have to be 'normal'? 😉 Just be you. Chin up ❤
Lapses

Hey @Former-Member,

you are "gifted and have hidden talents"- wow, that is amazing! That is great news. It's also very fortunate that you don't have learning difficulties. The fact that you created your own language when you were back in primary school does fit in with what a gifted child would do. (Again, I am certainly no expert on gifted children and you should not take my word for it- maybe ask your therapist about this?)

Honestly @Former-Member, you are beginning to present as woman who is extremely intelligent and who therefore becomes bored easily. You are constantly looking for new things to keep your mind stimulated. As you said, it's about emotions and experiences, not about collecting material possessions. I can absolutely relate to you on that one.

I personally think you may become easily dissatisfied if you don't mix with other people who are intelligent and progressive thinkers. That would explain why you don't always appreciate your friends and their 9 to 5 lifestyles... this kind of thing does not stimulate you intellectually. I am the same as you on that one.

I actually have a sister who is a workaholic and who drones on about her very tedious job non-stop. There is nothing about her life-style that I find remotely interesting. I actually feel that it is a waste of a life.... but she feels differently. She is not much of a progressive thinker... in fact, quite the opposite. She does not really engage with the world and is not interested in world issues. She lives a very insular life.

@Former-Member, do you want to go to university and study something that would stimulate your intellect?

Hi @Former-Member,

thanks for sharing your experiences here... I think your advice about using mindfulness is good advice. I was actually thinking about suggesting meditation to @Former-Member when I wrote yesterday.

I have recently been trying again to meditate. I suffer from quite bad anxiety at times and I believe meditation could help me.