14th year house bound

Yes me too @Appleblossom, being out 1 day per week, i can't believe what people have these days, it is like i have landed on an alien planet, people are so spoilt, overseas hollidays every year, new cars, new homes, some multiable homes, all the technology, and it still is not enough. i feel so blessed to have a car, any car, and a roof over my head and food in my stomach, nothing else matters to me, i would not worry about the car if i was in the city, but living in a rural area one does need a car.

I agree totally @Appleblossom, love these days is measured by how much money you give, and not how much you love the person or what you do for them, sometimes i have to fix some of mum's friends computers, and none of them can understand why i will not accept money, but i don't do it for money, money means nothing to me, it is just paper or plastic, money for me is something i need to pay bills, that is all. it has never brought me any joy or happyness, it is just a man made idea that everyone seems to need, i sturggle with people who have this social status thing, i try to avoid them at all costs.

It must be difficult both of you having OCD, but i am glad you are setting boundries, and you are reclaiming your own space, i am sure your home has enough space for the two of you to have your own areas, maybe make a common area where nothing is moved. i don't know, just an idea.

i am anti-boundry too, that is why i follow Anonymous, their ideals match mine, it feel nice to have a group of people whom i seem to fit in with, even though they are hated by governments. i am sorry to tell you this but i am an Athiest, i have from experiance of schooling and family to find religious people very hateful, it is just my experiance, you are the first christian who does not jusdge i have come across. maybe your life experiance is showing though your faith, it is nice to know at least some christians are nice people, thank you.

Today i am just pottering around, cleaning and putting up some things before the electrician returnes tomorrow to start on the power points. i have just been out to the cemetary to put some fowers n my fathers and grandfathers graves.

what have the three of you got planned for today?

Today we are just doing music at home, no plans, I am still quite jittery and scattered. The girl went back to her dad's place yesterday. She is son's first girlfriend. I was good to my daughter's partners too ...but that is too long a story and it is better I dont think about them that much.

Hoity toity ambitious Europeans can be very problematic ... but so can the same quality in Asian or Indian people and it is common, which is why we have to get beyond the "racism" thing.

My son mentioned Anonymous when he was full of radical talk and showed me one movie .. I just agreed with him I and did Political Science. I will look them up .. I just get Get-up and Avaz emails. I am not a typical christian .. I dont believe in the existence of a God separate from people's imaginations and the consequences of belief, but I was heavily exposed to it. I just tried to understand things the good and bad in believers and non-believers and all states between. I am not at my church at the moment cos I am too sensitive and easily get elbowed out of social groups ...

I dont know if we have OCD but feels like we may everything on the list if we look at a certain behaviour or trait. We are not properly diagnosed. i try and get doctors to do the right thing by us ..maybe I am just not very good at that.

It is not really OCD to be careful about posture at the piano or any musical instrument .. it is a part of musicianship and prevents repetitive strain injury etc and makes the most expressive sound ... it is just the way it is in house at the moment ... I told my son and he got me another chair this afternoon .. he doesnt mean for it to be troublesome ... but i cant keep moving chairs around when I need to sit down .. I am too physically and emotionally weary.. but with the conversation between you and karen .. I thought about the OCD element.

Hiya @Appleblossom @Jacques @hiddenite

Sounds like productive weekends were had 🙂 i've not got much of a concentration span at the moment, struggling a bit i suppose and fining it hard to keep up with 'busier' threads... but not purposefully avoiding or anything like that! Plus this migraine and neck is really playing up.. head hasnt been too bad today but the hammering is just thrumming away in the background sigh!! hoping for a good week... but i know there's going to be lots of family court stuff coming in.. so getting even more anxious about that! oh well! im only sure i'm having a heart attack about half the time lol!

Im not sure where i sit on the whole 'God' or 'universal being' Goddess or whatever. I used to believe and go to church and then when i lived up on the lands I went to the outdoor church called 'inma' up there. Until the pastor told my gorgeous 7 - 11 year old students that the bad stuff happening to them... including one of my girls having a stroke that left her partially paralysed down the left side was happening because God was punishing them for the evilness.

sigh! but the problem is individual people take their own spins on things... so i guess like you @Appleblossom I focus on trying to be a good person etc..

hope you are all ok,

LJ

Hi @Appleblossom,

I am sorry you are still feeling that way, maybe you need a rest, you have been on the go for quite a while, maybe it is your body telling you to slow down a little. i hope the relationship works out for your son, she sounds like she has helped him come out of his shell a bit, and is getting him on the right track.

Yes i agree i am tired of anyone having an opinion being called a racist, every culture is racist, humans need to start seeing each other as a collective, we have to be the only species that turns on our own, i do not see other species of animals do what humans do. I often watch animals, wildlife especially, they all seem to have their place, without hurting each other, they only protect, why are we called the intelligent species? i can never figure it out.

I am not mentioning groups like Anonymous for people to join, i am just saying they are the only collective that share my views of the world. as with everything for me, my ideals change as i become more learned, as i get an understanding of how the world works and how the political landscape really works, not the garbage we get fed on the news, i like to research everything, read extreme sides for and against and find the middle ground, no matter how distressing the topic, i have to know what is being done in my name.

I think @Appleblossom, you are on the right track, treat others as you would like to be treated yourself, i live by that motto myself, but i find sometimes it is challenging when i am exposed to so many terrible people, i start to see everyone of the same group the same, whether it be race, religion, up market or addicts, sometimes i struggle to fight the urge to see them as all the same. but i always try to be curtious to everyone no matter what.

I think OCD or OCD symptoms are just a by product of anxiety, it is a way of making ourselves feel more comfortable and safe.

I am sorry if i am rambling a bit, i struggle to understand the social structure, and mostly don't like the way modern humans live. i have struggled with it for years. and i still struggle with it, i think partly that is why i am so isolated, i don't want to become like the populous.

Jacques

Hi Jacques

I hope your day went ok. Pretty flat after an emotional day.

I hope everyone else is doing ok. My eye's are still really bad so I am having trouble reading the posts.

Take care

Karen

Hi Karen,

Oh you poor thing, i was hoping the anti-biotics would have worked by now, it must make things so difficult driving, etc.

Yes i could imagine it was a tough day for you and the girls, i hope they have managed to calm down a bit tonight, got all of the saddness out of themselves today.

Well i did some more cleaning and organising, as well as made a new backing plate for the rangehood we are going to get. went to the cemetary and put some flowers on dads grave.

Went out to the wet lands after we left the cemetery and saw some baby gosslings, they where os cute, little yellow bundles of fur, running after mum.

aren't they the cutest?

so all in all i had a good day, i love wildlife so much.

Take Care my angel

Jacques

@Jacques I managed to stay out of the Trotskyites and Bolsheviks and the Liberal Party at uni. The Moonies tried to get me when I was in my teens, (I knew too much bible stuff and almost laughed, but didnt, I was polite about their delusions,) when they told me Moon was the 3rd Messiah.

I think it has just taken me this long to get to the end of my tether ..I cant cope with being kicked out of anywhere when I always do the polite and diplomatic thing but straights and conservatives cant cope with the reality of a few things about my life, and predator types. When I get like this its like stealing candy off a baby. I'm gutted,.I've got no fight in me, but then I might say very intense stuff ...freaks people out.

I hate to say this @Jacques but there are predators in the wild it is just that there are natural limits to their needs and appetites.

My son made nice grilled ham, cheese tom on toast, and I heated up leftover tofu and black bean soup.and we watched a couple of shows of Community.

I have my new doctor's appointment on Tuesday .. maybe I should get her to do a referral for me, my meds are all running low.

I dont think you ramble .. we think pretty similarly about society even though I am from an older generation and opposite sex.

Hi @Former-Member I am so glad you joined in ...I was missing you ... my head hurts like crazy too ... good luck with family Court ... of course your whole body and mind reacts ... its normal with family stuff.

I liked reading Jungian or Goddess stuff, have a feminist I Ching and loved Zohar's The Quantum Self, if physicists go new agey its hard not to listen a little bit hmmm .. Never really got into weirdo cults (sorry) yoga and mindfulness is all the rage now, but I freaked out when Buddhist people tried to give my littlies lollies .... they are trying to bribe and poison my babies AAAAGGGHHHH.... and I am an ex druggie ..but I was a purist about their care..... not as bad as the garbage the fundamentalists you met carry on about ... and then there is the Royal Commission ...

but JEEZ wouldnt it be nice is there is a nice rainbow serpent bunjil fatherly ladylike womanly buzzing Holy spirit dharma thing god ... but Christopher Hitchens and Sean Carroll are better than Richard Dawkins

Hey J

Feeling really sorry for myself the darkness has consumed me again.

If only I had made him happy, he wouldn't have hurt me. If only I was a better person he would not have died and the girls would have their dad.

I blame myself for everything that has happened, guilt for not doing enough.

Karen

Ah yes their are preditors in the wild, but unlike humans they don't hunt for fun, they hunt for food, their is a big difference.

I am the same @Appleblossom, i used to like arguing with people about the world and their beliefs, but i am tired of it now, i don't care what other people think or believe, i am focused inward now, trying my hardest to remove myself from the world, on the most part i am succeeding, i have contact with no one, other than this forum.

I hope the doctors appointment goes ok, i have to go but i am putting it off. can't handle going out in my town.

OMG i have read all of christopher hitchens and richard dawkins books, i didn't know about Agnostic or Athieism before i read their books, but what they say i seem to agree with, maybe not to their extreme, i think each to their own, i f a person needs to have a god who am i to tell them otherwise, but for me i am too logical to believe in a god, i know when i die their is nothing, i cease to exist, it brings me great comfort to not believe in anything or an afterlife, maybe this is why i don't fear death.

Oh no Karen,

Oh Karen, you are too tough on yourself, he was not a nice person, but i understand how you feel, i am sure the girls miss their dad a lot, but from what you have told me they are a lot safer now, he had a medical condition, from memory a heart attack, am i right? how could you have caused that?, it is one of those things Karen, he is not the first to have an undiagnosed condition and he will not be the last, you cooked, cleaned and looked after the children, what more could you have done to make him happy?, you did all you could.

Karen you are tired and emotional, it has been a big day and a big week, these feelings will pass, here is a sleeping bag and a nice hot water bottle, i am here to support you, you are my friend, i wish you could find some peace and some happyness, this is a small bump on your journey to recovery.

allow yourself to have these feelings and thoughts, but challenge those thoughts, say to yourself, why did he hurt me, i cared for him and his children, why did he not go to the doctor for regular check ups, etc. try to turn the thoughts into empowerment, maybe not reverse the blame, just neutralise the thought proccess.

You know deep down you did all you could, and who knows if he didn't pass away, maybe you and the girls may not be here. i remember you saying he threatened you regularly, it would only have been time before he harmed you or the girls. remember that.

I am here for you my angel, we will work through this together.

Jacques