14th year house bound

I really miss the rain, when i lived in QLD it rained every afternoon, here it never rains, oh yes the smell, the sound, i love it too, being star sign Aquarious, i am a water person.

Yes i do have to try to reduce the amount, i know that, i really need to make an effort.

Karen, i know you are at a higher risk, but you know what the difference is between the start of the year and now?

Now you have me, you have a big support network with all the other folk on here and i will not allow you to harm yourself again, it may be strong, but you are stronger with support from me and others, it is much easier to fight when you have a support group in your corner.

i do hope you get some nice rain, i just looked at my weather app, seems like we have a storm comming too, fingers crossed!!!!!

Jacques your right you know the right thing to say when I'm at my lowest, I don't know how you do it. It scares me that I can even think such bad things. I appreciate everything you do to help me j.

My eldest daughter is an Aquarius.

Jacques have you been having problems with posting?

The words join together and part of words end up on the end of others, it's so frustrating. I don't know if it's the tablet or the forum. It's been happening for a couple of weeks.

Thanks for the support j.

How have you been going I worry about you sh so much I wish there was something I could do to help you.

Jacques do you know what an invalid HTML means when it comes up when I post?

Thanks for letting me know Jacques I thought I must have been doing something wrong.

If you work out how to fix it can you let me know please.

Boy I'm having lazy day just lying on my bed I'm so exhausted. The girls are happily playing so that's good too. I'm just waiting for mum to come in and say something.

Jacques I'm glad you're mum is aware that you are suicidal I didn't think you had told her.

She must worry about you. Can you talk to her when things are really bad?

I hope she understands....

Oh Jacques that is so awful but I do understand. Is there anything at all that helps you not to sh?

I've tried everything thats been suggested to me but I just cannot find a healthy way to feel things.

I can't even cry. I don't think I'll ever find a healthy way to deal with built up emotions. I'm so ashamed of sh and how often I have to.

Any suggestions I would be grateful for.

Oh Karen, I am so glad you know you have support, I am always with you.

Oh hey another Aquarius, yes I gave always been a water person, right from when I can remember.

The SH is not as bad today, I was so sick, as for my other forms of SH well hmm mm. Not good.

Karen, i think you suggested to me the rubber band thing, you put it around your wrist and when you get the urge to SH you snap it, if it was not you who suggested it, it might be worth a try.

It's a shame that you haven't found anything helpful Jacques. I've realised that the more you sh the more you have to do it to get the same effect. It's such a vicious cycle.

I'm sorry if it upsets you talking about it, I was just wondering if anything helped.

It's only natural that your mum would become upset, she cares deeply for you and I'm sure she is doing her best to understand. I could never talk about my suicidal thoughts.

Talk to you later j

Yes it is a vicious cycle, and i do seem to have to do it more and more lately, it is having less of the effect it once did. sometimes i just sit their SH and wondering why i am still doing it, it has bee ncontrolling me for so long.

It does not upset me Karen, it has been part of my life for over half of it now, i hide it and i am ashamed of it, but it is my only way to cope with the naxiety and depression.

Yes i know she cares, and she is very upset with my future plans, but she understands why i have to do it. yes some people find these thoughts very confronting and try to hide it, i have never felt this way.

Speak to you later my angel, i hope you have a nice dinner, i am having stir fry with boiled rice.