My Hospital Stay

Sending you a restful corner @utopia ..... ❤️💕

@utopia Thinking of you my beautiful little cocky friend

Thinking of you my friend @utopia

@utopia sweet dreams to you too my beautiful little cocky friend

Hi @utopia

I am glad you have had this AHA click - wow - what an epiphany!!

That is so good - so fantastic - and I am glad you have battled through the darkness and into the light - this is the way up - I was so glad to read this

I have been reading some of your posts - certainly your updates/journal - I felt that was important - it was hell for you

Still thinking of you - I felt like a dead weight myself with nothing at all I could write - but I am feeling better tonight -

Lots of hugs Utopia - you are fighting a war about which I have no idea about the structure - the insides - whatever

Dec

Wow, @utopia,

you are moving ahead so quickly! That's great that you had an a-ha moment. That is so wnderful that you were able to return to your room and write about it, too. And to email your psychologist about it? That is a great idea.

I think I can relate to that feeling of not wanting to feel anything. Becuase we assume that if we allow ourselves to feel something... then it will be very, very bad and we won't be able to endure it. But this is not true. When we allow ourselves to experience our emotions fully- even anger, sadness, despair... those feeling pass. We become aware that all feelings pass.

Yes, It painful to get in touch with our sadness... but once it is out in the open, we see it for what it is. Then it kind of isn't quite so bad as we thought it would be. It passes.

Before I got very, severely depressed, years ago, I became completely emotionally shut down. I was like a zombie. Other people noticed it, but I shrugged it off, saying I was just "tired". You see, I did not even know I was completely emotionally shut down! I thought I was normal.

I knew I wasn't happy, but I wasn't especially sad, either. I was just existing. Everything I did, I did because I thought it was my duty. Work was a duty to be fulfilled. It wasn't enjoyable. My relationship with my partner was non-existent- but I went through all the motions like a 'good girl', anyway. It was my duty. I chose this person as a partner, now I had to endure them. That's what you do, isn't it?

No, it isn't.

It took an episode of major depression (bordering on psychosis) for me to realise that my life was not working and that I was the one responsible.

I had to feel the grief and anger involved with knowing my relationship had ended. I had to deal with the uncertainty and disappointment that I had chosen a career that I actively disliked. I had to own these things. Once I did that, I could move forward. And moving forward was about a million times more rewarding than staying stuck and frozen in limbo.

Hi @utopia

I am so glad you are feeling calmer - and coping better with the down-times - it's okay to take the prns while you are so new at this

And yes - we are all learning here - I think of this as a sort of Peer Review Journal - we compare our lives and share what works and what doesn't and find new ways

And also - we know what is not working

Lots of hugs Utopia

Dec

@utopia Thank you so much for sharing your A-ha moment. I think I get as excited reading them as you do having them.

I identify with it very much. I was the same with just not feeling much until my trauma. I'd survived all sorts of stuff in my life without ever experiencing negative emotions. The irony was that it wasn't until my psychologist started teaching me how to feel that I came really unstuck and SH started thick and fast. Once I began to feel I had it turn it off so quick. I'm so glad to read that you documented it all down in the moment for your psychologist.

You know even though I experience SI I think it's so different for everyone. I think that it changes too the longer youve lived with it. I think there is more of a numbness with feelings but more intensity to do as time goes on. Just my experience. I'm so very glad you are there to deal with it early. I am so hoping it's helps it go. @CheerBear has a really good recent post on her experiences in Im in a nest if you feel inclined to read it here.

I thought you needed some native garden in hospital so I bought you some of my old garden, it is my photo. It made me smile because I looked at the pic and said "bird attracting and ant attracting, I've got utopia covered" out loud 😄

Sending hugs 💜😴💐

oh and PS I can imagine how hard it must be with perfumed products in a mental health unit. Part of my self care is nice smelling shower gels and moisturiser etc. My toiletry bag is stocked full of nice smelling things I don't usually use at home for self soothing in hospital. I can imagine it's amplified to the max. Hospital is often the only time I regularly shower and 'stink up on nice smelly stuff'. You'd be hating sharing with me. Perhaps sharing with ants works in your favour 😜😂😘