My Hospital Stay

sorry didn't realise re community mental health nurse

Day 9 - part 1.
Doing ok this morning. Bacon for breakfast. A treat we get on weekends and much appreciated by me.
A patient just left today. She didn't want to go. We could all tell that she was not ready to go home - even the staff. But she too is a Workcover patient. I did what I try to do here with my forum friends and family - I wished her all the best. Told her to keep fighting. And that I would be sending our loving vibes for her healing. Empty words.
Unfortunately I cried when she left. Her fear of going home so early & not being able to cope & her fear of another try at suicide. Yes, it breaks my heart to know she is going through all this.
But it brought on the fears I have. That I have been trying to surpress. That I will go home and nothing will change. That I'm not ready. That I will fail. That my SI may turn to plans again.
I don't want to leave and go home on Monday. I have no choice. My psychiatrist spoke to Workcover again late yesterday. No extension.
My fear is huge. I don't like to feel. I can't just sit with my feelings. It's impossible at the moment.
I'm worried that if I start feeling - then I will open pandoras Box and I may never get the lid back on. And I'm scared of what is in there.
I don't know why my Psychiatrist won't increase my meds. He wants me this year to reduce it and go off it. Im only on a mid range dose of antidepressants.
None of this makes sense.
I've taken 2 of my prn calmers. So I'm going to go to sleep.
I like avoidance.

Day 9 - Part 2.
I didn't end up sleeping but I did talk to a nurse and had a good cry and discussed a lot if my fears and anger and confusion etc. She sat with me for a good 20 minutes. There was nothing she could do to help me and I told her that. There is no magical pill that will fix everything.
She did suggest I go out for a walk and get some fresh air and sunshine. I explained my anxiety raises just thinking of going out in the crowded streets. So she suggested I just walk up and down our hospital driveway.
It was hard at first. Still sobbing. But then I heard a bird and tried to locate him. That led me to look at the plants. Then I touched them all. Feeling if their leaves were soft or hard. Squeezing the berries growing on some of them. Found two smallish trers and went a rubbed my hands up and down the bark and sent beautiful loving thoughts to the tree (I often do this back home - im a touchy feely person especially ehen it comes to nature).
There was Ivy growing on the fence. I picked a large trendel /branch and brought it inside.
The nurse said that it was ok that I keep it in my room in a cup of water. So not only do I have all these wonderful pictures posted to me here. I also have a small touch of greenery in my room.
Felt so much better afterwards. Had some D & M's with some other patients about me, about them. All positive talk. So my mood has lifted dramatically.
I'm still unsure and scared of the unknown of returning home - but I can see the glimmer of light again.
Mental illness and hospital stays are like a roller coaster. So many ups and downs.
Am beyond exhausted - so will fall asleep within 5 minutes.
Love to you all.♥♥♡♡♥♥♡♡

Day 10 - part 1.
I'm currently sitting in a park on a bench. Watching kids run around, dogs chase balls, etc. One dog came over 2 me a few times and dropped his ball at my feet. I threw it a few times. After the 5th throw my arm was tired. His owner called him over and then used one of those plastic sticks with the scoop on the end, to throw him his ball. All I can say is compared to that magic ball thrower, my sticks were pretty pathetic. Lol. I'm amazed he kept wanting me to throw it - considering a couple of meters was mg maximum. Lol.
A little anxiety about coming to the park and even while sitting here. But it's a level that I can cope with. And I didn't even take a calming prn.
Just breathe!!!!
Trying not to think about having to leave hospital tomorrow - as it REALLY causes anxiety/fear.
But the nurse I spoke to yesterday gave me a helpful hint.
You know how we always say to each other, "baby steps" or "one thing at a time"?
Once she knew about my mountain and meditation and connectedness to that place & how I haven't been there since December last year.
She suggested that might be a good self care place to start when I go home. I said that I just haven't been able to do it.
She suggested all I do - just one or two times the first week I'm home - is to simply drive the ten minutes up to the mountain. Don't even turn the car engine off. If it feels too much - simply drive the ten minutes home again.She said it doesn't matter if I can't get out of the car. I'm just to break it down into smaller parts. Maybe the 2nd week or the 3rd week I may beable to get out of the car. And then one day - iI'll find my special rock again and be able to sit quietly.
I CAN DO THAT!!
I hope this is a help to others that maybe we just need to break a task down into smaller pieces.
Washing your face with a facewasher is great. You don't have to worry because you couldn't cope with a shower.
Small steps.My love and best wishes to everyone

Attragirl @utopia ..... 🤗❤️💕💐🐬🐚☕️🌹💗❣️