I WANT MY MUM!!!

Hi @Baileyboy,

It's impossible to console for the loss of a parent, even many years later. I still have my mum, now almost 82. I know that it will be a very sad day if she passes before I do, and that there will be many sad days after that for a long time, probably that sadness will be with me always.

I'm almost 55 now. My mum is catholic too. I too had some weird experiences with catholic nuns. Not abuse, but weird sexual comments and an accusation that I was a lesbian when I was 10 years old! How confusing that was! I left the catholic church a long time ago and really have no religion now, except a kind of personal spirituality not related to gods.

I too am in menopause. You can talk here about it if you like. There are a number of us on the site not shy about discussing it in all its splendour, as we have done at times in other threads. I too am celibate at this time in my life, though for different reasons.

I am so sorry your mum is not there to hug you and say 'I love you' in that unconditional way. Perhaps there will be others who will also respond to your understandable sadness, whose experience is closer to yours and more helpful. But I just wanted to say you are not completely alone while there are people here to listen and respond. Sending gentle virtual hugs your way.

I know what it feels like @Baileyboy to have lost your Mum at a relatively young age. I was 11 years old when my Mum died suddenly from a cerebral aneurysm which ruptured. Every single day I miss her and I have run through a whole gamut of emotions over the years, from intense sorrow to anger to disbelief to acceptance and then back again.

I still remember the morning my Mum died. Hearing a terrible noise (which turned out to be her struggling to breathe). Dad screaming at my brother to phone 000. Dad trying CPR in a desperate attempt to revive her. Being told at the hospital she had passed away. I remember everybody started crying, but I just sat there kind of stunned and thinking "now what?". Later on I'd feel guilty for not crying and showing emotion the way everybody else did.

I bet Mother's Day is hard for you, like it is me. It leaves me with a hollow feeling inside knowing I don't have a Mum to celebrate with. I actually cry in secret reading the Mother's Day catalogues that come in the mailbox. It's not fair, it really isn't is it?!?

Thinking of you because I know what it is like to really want your Mum, but can't have her. 😞

Thanks @Queenie and @Mazarita. I do find it so difficult to share my hurt over my losing my mum. I mean I've got 2 sisters and a brother who probably have some of the same feelings, but I just don't feel that I can say to them, "gee, I'm finding life without mum hard today!"

And there is soooo much guilt. I didn't respond immediately to the doctor saying she hadn't pulled through. I immediately wondered if I could have reacted differently, more quickly, not been so scared. There was noone ther to say to me what mum said to me when dad died ie "daddy's gone to heaven ".Where had mum gone? I hadn't even started to have memories of sexual abuse and associated rituals.I had no understanding. When mum died I couldn't stand to let anyone touch me, no hugs, no even pats on the hand. mum was the only one who could do that and that was NEVER going to happen again. I definitely was truly alone, and dealing with the abuse from a place that mum found such solace from makes me what? I need to believe in something, I think I need mum's faith. It gave her so much strength but this year, as I said my menopausal 50th, I've got no faith, no strngth and I don't want to make it to my birthday.

Maybe, and I really said MAYBE, I will be with mum on my 50th. Don't worry it's a way off yet!!! Sorry to end on that note...understanding the power of a mothers day catalogue. The shower seems to be my crying hole but every morning now. It's all getting a bit much.

Mum...where are you?

Bb

@Baileyboy, I read a message here from you that seems to have been removed. This is my response to it...

I hope one day you are able to let go of that guilt. Everybody has different ways of grieving for loved ones. When my dad died 14 years ago, I too went very quiet for a long time and experienced a lot of anger. Even now I remember my dad without tears, but deep, quiet sadness. Tears are only one way of expressing the gravity and sorrow of loved ones passing. We are all different in that regard and there really is no reason for you to feel guilt.

That you were abused in a religion your mother found solace in is not a contradiction, the way I see it. There is good and bad in every aspect of life. My mother also finds great solace in catholocism and I respect her faith. At the same time I myself find it impossible to embrace. It does not 'say' anything about you as far as I see, except that you had a traumatic experience and have had to live with the awful fallout from it. This may have given rise to unfortunate feelings of guilt and self-blaming that are not warranted.

I am sorry you feel so down. It sounds like you are very depressed in general. I do not remember everything I've read on the forum from you before but wonder if you have a GP, psychiatrist and/or psychologist to help with this. I've been terribly depressed for long periods of time with my bipolar, and still fall into holes. Crying in the shower is also familiar to me. But I also feel that my treatment over time has helped make life that much more worth living. It's also possible that some of what you are going through may be hormonally related. For this reason, it definitely seems worth exploring the options with professionals, if you are not already doing that.

I hope that it helps at least to be able to express your feelings here on the forum and be heard and responded to. Remember too that if things become too painful there is the possibility of calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 to speak to someone in person. Wishing you much better days.

@Mazarita unless you haven't realised, ha, i am just so confused.

There's just no easy way out is there? I have always told my psychologist that if I were ever to 'do' anything it would not be something that could be undone and so now, if I can sort of put your mind to rest, I haven't come up with that perfect plan.

I reposted the one you read with the appropriate wording removed, so I don't know if you saw that all my support team, ie, my gp, my psychologist and my best friend are all out of range for a while. Why I go into crisis now is beyond me but I guess I really am doing it alone. Maybe that's why mum is so much on my mind too..MIA!

I think it was you who suggested experiences with menopause might be available on the forum. I'm just so dumb when it comes to these hormonal things but sweats and tears and odd thoughts and pains may be related, do you think? I went to see a homeopathic specialist a while back and she gave me some drops that would supposedly help with the thoughts of sexual abuse...no harm, cheap and not dangerous. However, and I am not really sure how to explain this but when I would wake up from my 10 min sleeps it felt like I was feeling sexual or at least what I think it would feel like. I've never been in the safe position to experience this, although through abuse as a teen I did become pregnant. Mt psych said as an abusee, my body was reacting, not that I was enjoying the situation. But I can't come up with any theories, and I can't tell her about my now experience. I'm so embarrassed, I can't tell anyone because even as I write it, it not only shows my naivete but also my stupidity in all these areas obviously. And if mum was here, I don't think she'd cope with some closet sex thing, which is all I can call it.

Sorry for hitting you this with this but anonymity may be a chance to get a less embarrassing response, or not one any one can see, anyway.

Our mums can fix anything, with a look, a touch, a thought and when they are gone whats left? if mum isn't here to 'fix' me, who the hell can? Hell, maybe that's where I am heading...alone though...mum won't be there!!!

I know you head the night shift thread but I don't feel confortable there in my headspace at the moment, so if busy that's fine. It was good to attempt to get it out of my head, so to speak.

Bb

@Mazarita unless you haven't realised, ha, i am just so confused.

There's just no easy way out is there? I have always told my psychologist that if I were ever to 'do' anything it would not be something that could be undone and so now, if I can sort of put your mind to rest, I haven't come up with that perfect plan.

I reposted the one you read with the appropriate wording removed, so I don't know if you saw that all my support team, ie, my gp, my psychologist and my best friend are all out of range for a while. Why I go into crisis now is beyond me but I guess I really am doing it alone. Maybe that's why mum is so much on my mind too..MIA!

I think it was you who suggested experiences with menopause might be available on the forum. I'm just so dumb when it comes to these hormonal things but sweats and tears and odd thoughts and pains may be related, do you think? I went to see a homeopathic specialist a while back and she gave me some drops that would supposedly help with the thoughts of sexual abuse...no harm, cheap and not dangerous. However, and I am not really sure how to explain this but when I would wake up from my 10 min sleeps it felt like I was almoat in a sexual relationship.Or at least what I think it would feel like. I've never been in the safe position to experience this, although through abuse as a teen I did become pregnant. My psych said as an abusee, my body was reacting, not that I was enjoying the situation. But I can't come up with any theories, and I can't tell her about my now experience. I'm so embarrassed, I can't tell anyone because even as I write it, it not only shows my naivete but also my stupidity in all these areas obviously. And if mum was here, I don't think she'd cope with some closet sex thing, which is all I can call it.

Sorry for hitting you this with this but anonymity may be a chance to get a less embarrassing response, or not one any one can see, anyway.

Our mums can fix anything, with a look, a touch, a thought and when they are gone whats left? if mum isn't here to 'fix' me, who else can be? I dont think i will be going anywhere nice.I'll be alone though...mum won't be there!!!

I know you head the night shift thread but I don't feel confortable there in my headspace at the moment, so if busy that's fine. It was good to attempt to get it out of my head, so to speak.

Bb

@Baileyboy, I'm up again, as I often am, after sleeping for a while earlier in the night. Just read your latest message. Ah yes, I see now, your support people are away at present, which is difficult at a time of distress. I am glad you are reaching out here in the absence of that. Thanks for putting our minds at rest that the worst of your thoughts for yourself are mainly ideas rather than plans.

Yes, sweats and tears and pains could well be related to menopause. Because hormones affect so much, odd thoughts are possibly related too. I would suggest talking to a GP about it as soon as is possible. Even if you can't see your regular GP right now, perhaps there is another who might be available in the interim to discuss some of these things?

I've been in menopause for about eighteen months. It has been okay but is a big change in lots of ways. Sweating and 'hot flashes' have definitely been a significant part of it. Even when not feeling the rising waves of heat come on and subside with the 'hot flashes', I have a general tendency to overheat much more often than before. I just seem to be 'hot' and somewhat sweaty a lot of the time. Night sweats affect many in menopause. I've also had various physical symptoms emerging or becoming amplified. I went through an especially difficult time for some months last year feeling a general decline in my health. This has been well treated now by my GP and medical specialists and I'm feeling much better.

There is no stupidity in your wondering about sexuality. I don't have the answers to those things, but what your psych says makes some sense. As I read your post, I can't help but feel you are terribly hard on yourself about experiences that were inflicted upon you and the impact they have had. I hope over time you will be able to find more kindness towards yourself. To my way of thinking, kindness towards ourselves seems a very important part of healing. I do understand your embarrassment though. So many of us carry embarrassment about sexuality, even when it's not apparent we feel that way to others.

You know, even though I don't subscribe to any religion, I still feel our loved ones are available to us to reach out to after their passing. In some way I can't explain, I still feel my dad there when I think of him. Sometimes I talk to him with my mind and heart. In some ways, he has never seemed all that far away in the 14 years since he passed. Perhaps they are, after all, watching over us in some way and maybe that doesn't even need an explanation or established faith.

Wishing you well.

If I get another mother's day catalogue in the mail, I might just scream. Thr problem is @Mazarita that I still look and think, "wow, wouldn't that be special this year!" But nothing is special, not me for sure. Mum was the only one who could see something great in her youngest and I certainly don't see it...nothing. I'm afraid my mum would be ashamed of the disaster I've become.

I remember the look of pride and love when my mum watched me collect my outstanding Teacher's degree...first one in the family to finish school, first one to go to uni and now with a top of the class degree. But so what? The next year she'd had her stroke, my whoopsie doo degree was now gathering dust because I was more happy looking after her, but in her lucid moments she would pat my face and talk about her baby becoming a teacher. After she died I was eager to make her proud, find a teaching position, finally become independent etc and then...

One day I brushed up against a table and cut my leg which had to be stitched, no big deal right...but it wouldn't heal and about 6 weeks later a surgeon suggested an x-ray. A small bit of metal was lodged deep in my thigh. Still no biggy but after the op I contracted golden staff and spent the next year in hospital having bits of my leg removed to stop the infection progress. Noone could work out what was happenind and then one night at home trying to sleep more than anything I took too many meds and when my sister found me there was a stick coming out of the wound of which I still have no memory. But then I had a mental illness. I thought/knew I had to be going mad. Who would do this? let alone not remember it? I was barraged with questions/accusations really and I couldn't explain any of it. so eventually I was bundled off to a psych ward 5 hours away from home, told that I'd be there 2 weeks and left 3 months later, not having seen anyone from home that whole time. Who would want to see me? Iwas a bonsfied freak and the only one who could have helped, not judged, held me was my mum and now I thank whatever god is out there that she was never aware of what a screw up her bright..ha ans beautiful..ha baby really was.

It wasn't until much later, maybe 6 months that out of the blue I answered a much "loved" question from a councellorthat yes...and it was a total shock to me...I had been abused. There it was in all it's glory..the total stuff up had disclosed and was so ashamed that I no longer wanted to exist. Yep, you guessed it..I WANT MY MUM! please, I'll do anthing, just one hug or knowing smile or anything. It's selfish, I know because she would have been devestated that not only did she not know about it or had been able to stop it but that f******king religion she had raised us with was the cause of it. I don't think I'd ever had blamed her. She had 4 kids by herself, me being only 9 and the ones she sent me off with for guidance had promised Jack, my dad they would always be there to look after us....AND LOOK AFTER ME THEY DID!

Poor mum struggled. I reme,ber whwn we didn't have much food or whatever she could always make up a batch of scones and then of course thank god for providing...but hey that was her belief. I don't want to destroy her faith or anyones, so I don't have any mtself, so what? Lucky for those who do.

I do believe in one thing though, and that is a mother's love. I was her baby, she loved me and my siblings before anything else. One day the catholics came to the door asking for money, she used to put it in a little brown envelope each week and had missed the previous Sunday and my brother-in-law said "ma, feed your kids, they can find it from someone else this week" He wasn't rude but seeing mum's embarrassmentat not being able to pay her dues irked him. Just recently he told me, and he is not even close to being a violent man, that he could have taken them aside and belted the proverbial out of them. One Christmas my uncle told mum and dad that we shouldn't get any presents that year, that we kids should learn to give back to the church like they gave to us. Funnily enough when his son became a priest I learnt what he gave to me from the Catholic church.

I'm so sorry this has been so rambling and disjointed but you see I need to talk to my mum...I just want to be with her. She wouldn't judge or at least I hope she wouldn't. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore...afterall why should I care?

Noone has to read this. It's probably in the wrong topic area anyway but I'm done with it at the moment. Thanks.

Bb

Hi @Baileyboy,

Hope your puppy hug was lovely.

It sounds like you mainly need to vent here about your feelings at present. I am reading and hearing you, though I don't really have anything much more to say than I already have. Wishing you well.