overwhelmed by everything

Dear Lisajane,

I really resonate with the pain of ugly letters from divorce lawyers. It is indeed to try and frighten (and destabilise) you - into agreeing to whatever your ex wants. I copped a bit of this with my ex-husband early on (who's learned better since and we get on fine now - 10 years down the track). I'm dreading having to deal with it again with my little one's dad. He's actually tried some of it by making a fabricated report to SOCA about our little one being abused (under our very noses mind and neither of us said boo according to him - as if!). Thankfully the police saw right through him, and I was able to explain what he was construing as abuse - it was nothing of the sort - I was watching very closely. So he's actually shot himself in the foot. Hopefully your ex will do the same (figuratively shoot himself in the foot).

I can't remember whether you've mentioned what state you are in (and it's fine if you don't feel comfortable to do so) - I just keep feeling that it might help swing things more in your direction if you were able to get a good family support worker with someone like Anglicare. Both because you'd have some support, and you'd have someone who's not a MH worker but specialises in children's services to be able to report and say "yes, she's doing the right thing by the children". I hope that makes sense? - I'm not suggesting you aren't doing the right thing, but you could really use someone in your corner on this.

In terms of responding to the horrid letter from your ex's lawyers: my experience was that it helped when I was able to ignore all the threats and inuendos (not suggesting for a second it is, or was, easy!) and look at what the letter was actually asking for (is it asking for anything, or just horrid?). I was then able to see what I needed to do in response to that. My ex initially asked for (demanded) week about contact, which I knew a)would be really bad for the kids and b)that he had no way of providing it because he was working full-time. I was pretty sure it was a gambit to frighten me off insisting the kids have some weekends with me (I had none at that point, ended up with every 3rd and eventually every 2nd). But I couldn't just say yes in the hope it wasn't genuine. So instead I talked to our family therapist and she said that, as awful as it would be, even the week about would be less stressful to my kids than the level of conflict and uncertainty they were experiencing at that time. I was heart-broken a the very idea.

So: I got my lawyer to write a very low key response (completely ignoring all the "not fit mother, need to have a psych assessment" stuff) and say I was willing to consider week about, but clearly we needed to discuss the details and it needed to be in the children's best interests - so they would need a psych assessment prior to and then ongoing regularly to make sure it wasn't causing them distress. I also told my lawyer that if they came back again insisting on the psych assessment then we would simply agree - so long as my ex agreed to have one too. I knew he'd run a mile. As it was I never heard another thing of week-about contact. Ever! He even changed lawyers after that because the ones who were good at writing ugly letters were an extremely expensive city firm and got him precisely nowhere.

You are doing your best in hellish circumstances Lisajane. It is not possible to do more - and no one should ask for more. Finding ways to get through custody arrangements etc inthe family court without the kids being in the midst of a tug-of-war is hugely stressful, especially if the other parent is very keen to make it one. It really reminds me of the story of King Solomon and the baby. I truly wish that more family court proceedings took a similar approach in making rulings on contact arrangements.

Anyway I hope some of this makes sense or even helps somewhat - sorry it's a rather long waffle.

Take care of you.

Hope for a safe place with our children endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

Sometimes i really wonder if life is ever going to be ok, if its ever going to get to the stage where i can just be safe and not have a thousand things going on crushing me. That there's not always something worse coming around the corner. I've worked so hard to be free of the crap over my whole life, but it just continues/comes back amd my mind won't let me have any sort of peace. Gah!

Dear @Former-Member

I know that feeling all too well, and it is tuly horrible. My experience is that eventually his too shall pass, but sometimes it takes a bloody long time! You have been through so much upheaval, and still so much going on. It is overwhelming, even without a MI.

But you know what to do - I read in your post about your daughter's achievement, her joy and your joy in that. Hold these precious moments like candles in the dark. It happened, not just because you took her swimming but becaue you were open to seeing it - in spite of all that is crowding in your head. So well done you for being present to that, what a loving mum.

Hope for enough candles in the dark endures...

Kindest regards, Kristin

Thankyou @kristin

🙂 Those candles are so precious, all I seem to have at the moment

Hope you are having a better day today too and all those stirred up things are settling a bit for you,

LJ