Parents never loved me, makes sense but just cant get over it.

It is great you have found a trustworthy doctor. My current GP made the difference for me in getting over the lacks of love in my life. Quietly over time, making little suggestions or doing little tests. Trust is very tricky for me.

It is great you have decided to limit contact with your parents, but not cut completely. That is what I did with my mother. A couple of times I would not let her in my front door but, locked it behindme and went for a walk, shaking all over but glad I was not always doing what she wanted. My mother was authoritarian and had a strong sense that we should obey her even when I was a mother and in my 50s. She did not obey her mother but hohum .. thats families.

It is a challenge to work out ways to respect yourself within a non-loving family dynamic But DO find a way.

First of all get a life based on your interests and values. Believe it you still have time. It takes as long as it takes and that is life. Its not all wasted things from your past will feed in and strenthen you as you take baby steps.

In the end when my mother got cancer I agreed to visit her at palliative care and we did music together which was good for us and the other residents. It did not change the abuse and neglect and toxic manipulation of my children and me, father and siblings, but it was the right thing to do. I promised myself it would be on my terms and that though I usually gave in to her forceful views and attitudes and went in a spirit of peace I would respect my total being and authenticity. I am at peace with my decision and it was not all cushy but life is messy especially at the end.

Just one thing about food, money and your dad. Blokes can be hopeless the way they overindulge their princesses, that is part of the thing with your mother.. Maybe he is trying to show you he loves you by reaching out. Distinguish between food and money if you dont need it. I used to be paranoid about the sharing food thing, but it one of the basic joys that is common to all humanity and agrounding experience, Maybe take the food and do something creative with it if thats your bent. Or take a little control in the way of suggesting your own eatery ... etc Give and take of control seems to be what is required among adults and yes they have to face that kids grow up.

If your mother sucks keep protected. Mine was jealous of me and no matter how hard I tried she put me down or turned things into a dumb ego competition when I was trying to save lives. It was her own insecurity, but toxicity plus. In the end I felt great firmness with her.

dearest @Simone

im reading your story again. Its really difficult to hold onto because:

1: very close to what im dealing with

2: i worked really really hard in bringing my own 2 children up in amongst meeting exact same type partners as my main caregivers (my Mum) (my Dad) when i read your story i feel annoyed and angry that your parents didnt 'care,' about you.

3:just reentered therapy from more dreams of me being ready to get through next lot of parent abuse that happened 15 years to 2 years ago.

My heart, like @Aonaran hurts for you.

These are the activities i have found useful for myself to deal with. I wonder if they can also somehow assist you? .

I am mindful....Some of the messages your getting are.....so ...cool. and thoughtful from other wonderful people.

I have something i keep on thinking when im really really overwhelmed and i can't think. For me, it's, ' Be kind.'

Its like something i stuck to. By writing stuck to i mean, i would just keep on repeating inside my head.. When was bit stronger, i would add : 'stay clean, stay safe.'

Would this help you? Could you think of just two or three simple words to think....just to get through ? Dearest @Simone you deserve so much but just the words of your choice may help you from just..... getting through the day.

Im really into self care. Would you see your wonderful doctor about employing a caring agency once or twice per week to help you write :

a list of how you should have been cared like. Stick it on the fridge and actively start doing each!

For instance

1; deserve to be cared for

2: loved

3. Listened to.

4. Driven to the doctor when i said i felt ill.

5. Sat with when i did my homework.

6. Cuddled.

writing up and sticking to a very strict budget. Life gets even more sticky when you dont have a good budget.

meal planner.

I know some of these activities sound weird but you gotta look at everything and these little things make your day to day living just a little easier and also.....maybe down the track........a conversation starter about meeting other people?

Thinking about you @Simone. Im going to re read some messages here you have and hope to hear from you soon,

Ja 47yr

@Samara

Hi, im thinking about you,

Take care and hope to hear from you soon,

Ja 47yr

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to write to me, im sorry it took me some time to return, life was full on and i was trying to get my head and heart around a fear of not knowing what response i would get.

im making a lot of mistakes, some borne of sleep deprivation, illness and desperation but reassuredly from a place of pain. to cut a long story short, psychology therapy has helped me a lot, corrected and embellished a lot of personal skills that was under developed or non existant on an emotional level (due to my parents not meeting that need during my childhood development). i even had successful hypnotherapy to address the overwhelming uncontrolled anxiety consumption that was preventing me from functioning.

its also revealed more hidden problems that i didnt know i had. and now these are the psychiatry ones that i thought i would fall short of needing. particularly the simple dealing with things instead of them affecting my physical health. currently with the autoimmune hypothyroid disease i have, it means that any and all psychiatric afflictions or states that i may encounter will have a profound affect on my mortality. hence again the fear.

my father is critically ill. he has a cardiac problem, his heart works at best at 20% and he has to have a defibrilator installed. he hides behind my mother and uses her as his weapon of self defence to cope with this situation. but being that my mother is not mentally well and actually warranting hospitalisation, this makes things very difficult to navigate. the primal instinct in me pulls me to be the caring loving daughter despite it not being reciprocated, i guess the whole, 'he does not know what he does' thing has some influence over me. He had been stuck in hospital for 8 weeks listening to my mother and with me not being allowed to visit him, by the time we had to go pick him up, it was a very awkward event with my brother being praised glowingly but my kids and i being ignored and snubbed (because after all, everything that my mother has told him about us making her life hell must have been true). the only reason i travelled 750kms to do this was to help my brother out with the driving for his own safety. thankfully my brother recognised and appreciated the uncomfortable gesture.

All the while this was going on....

My furbaby Tess woke one morning 3 weeks ago having a massive stroke when I was up and getting out of bed. It was the most unexpected frightening exprience and yet felt completely guided and orchestrated, so I knew this was her time and it wasnt how i had hoped for her, but it was what it was. She followed me into the kitchen as I was getting up getting my meds before breakfast and all the other animals gathered around her concerned because she was acting very strangely. Once I realised what was happening I rushed her to the vet with kids in tow, and we said our goodbyes, and for a good 2 days i was walking around in shock. during the first 2 hours I had almost collapsed in the supermarket. But because of the hypnotherapy, i didnt have a nervous breakdown like previous more minor triggers orchestrated, so i was able to experience the grief and loss process more balanced and healthily.

But it also made me realise and see something about my parents. I didnt share my news with my parents, I didnt want that insensitive confrontation while i was trying to find my feet. my father ended up comng round and happened to notice she wasnt there and asked where she was, to which the kids explained. Three weeks went by during which i was waiting for them to acknowledge the event, to at least ask if everything was ok...i wasnt expecting any fuss or comfort, that wasnt their style, so naturally when it didnt arrive i wasnt offended.

During those 3 weeks, i had made arrangements for her to be cremated, paw casted and hair pendanted - to help the kids adjust and for Tess to move on without being held back by our grief. it came time to pay for the balance of fees and a bank error meant that money available for it was being held back pending technical clearance. Distressed in the shower, as you do being a mum and trying not to upset your children so they dont get as screwed up as you as well, my son rang his grandfather and asked him nicely if he would please cover the cost before the deadline so Tess could be returned, and when the bank freed the money he could have it back. I dont know if most parents would do this without question, but it was not charity or a gift that was being asked for, just a 24 hour compassionate loan. My father was reluctantly forthcoming, but my son took the details down wrong so there was a problem processing the charge, which meant of course i had to ring back and verify. No sooner had i picked up the phone, after son reassured me my father was in a good mood when he spoke to him, (I am frightened of confrontation with my parents about money) was i blasted about being a irresponsible extravagant person who they were getting sick of having to assist financially. This took me by suprise, considering that only 6 months ago they were living for free under my roof and left me heavily in debt and the place trashed. I quickly took the details and hung up, organised Tess' return, and then bawled my eyes out for the next 24 hours.

My autoimmune consequently flared up and all the glands and lymph nodes in my neck closed up making breathing laboured and impossible to sleep. This adverse reaction was what the drs were warning me about, the need for removing stress out of my life was integral to my mortality. So next thing I knew i was getting news from my parents about how dare i not thank them for their generous loan, and one of the mistakes i made was confront them with a 'how can i when i have been so sick, and why would i want to cop a second serving of yesterday's abuse?' Unfortunately thats what 48 hours of sleep deprivation will do, impair your judgement. Naturally great offence was taken, and then when we went out for half an hour supermarket shopping, we came back to catch my mother leaving my house with my brothers dog i was babysitting - unaware, uninvited, unarranged. So when i asked for my spare key (which was for emergencies only) back, this created a narc rage in my mother, especially when she was accused of entering my home without permission in front of my father and brother.

And the next thing I knew, the following day after this melodrama, after coming home from an afternoon of 4x4, a lengthy hand written note addressed to my daughter was found inside the house. A note full of blame, guilt and shame projection, my fathers offence that i dare state that its been almost a month since the only comfort of my life had passed horriffically and there was no emotional response on their end towards me as parents, hw dare i assume that they only care about money, when my father was so critically ill with needing ongoing defibrilator care its all my fault hes sick, doesnt want to talk to me now as a result and i should get my priorities right....

....the exact selfish, irresponsible and immature behaviour i stated which was making me ill and why i cant be around them because i dont want to die young... is what my daughter was served (not me).

i know noone likes to be called out on their imperfections. but im at the lowest point in my life (which sounds selfish i know) but they couldnt spare me one moments compassion in their constantly ongoing melodrama. I am trying so hard to grieve without full emotional release because my autoimmune system wont accept the endurance of it, and the only being who was there to help me raise 2 special needs babies on my own, cope with a stalking violent ex partner, tolerate insane sick parents, just had the most god-awful experience of dying so no longer there for a cuddle, a hug and snuggle when the world is so crazy outside.

so i guess my mother has won with my father, despite me feeling that there was nothing to win or lose in the first place. and on top of my loss, i finally feel like i have comprehension of whats going on, but for the first time, i dont have an answer for the next step or even know where to go or what to do, hence coming back tonight.

thankyou for all your responses and helpful ideas and links and suggestions, they have been very appreciated and useful and perfect for me at this point in time. i dont mean to sound whingey and venting, but rather trying to express through example and bewilderment i guess, some rational sense to something that seems so unbelievable to be possible to be true.

Yes it is a risk to post how things reallly are.

It certainly has been a full on few weeks.

I have used the shower to hide my distress too. It also can be calming.

Its tricky to get everybody's needs met. Everybody in a family has some basic right to some level of care. When things are very enmeshed as yours seems (and mine was), then things get very defensive and intense. Its hard to see the best path forward. I cant offer much more but hope you get some relief and useful tools from the counselling and this forum..

dearest @Simone

I read your long story, in horror. So....your passive father has turned.

The book ssuggested by my Psychotherapist is, 'Understanding the borderline mother,"

By Christine Ann Lawson.

It took me about a long time to read as my Mum is also at the end of the book...... a witch borderline mother.the witch is the worst.

It even teaches you how to live near to her.

Ive gotta re read that bit again.....and again. .thank you for your kind words in your message to us. You havent ever been treated well but i hope you can trust us on this site,

brave brave lady,

Thinking of you, Anne