im back..... i think

@Pepsimax@Shaz51@Anony18@Queenie@Owlunar

1. i dont think im cut out for carer duties

I dont know if im really cut out of the carers duties. I am doing my best but in another part of me wants to explore the world. Ive always been the carer always had the responsibilites. I missed by chance to be a child and I also missed by chance to be a teenager. Ive hd both taken from me and both of those are partly my fault. Why cant I just be a kid for once. The ost kid thing ive done in years and that was throw papers and pencils all around the floor. Wow fantastic outlet.

2. im either invisible or in trouble

If im not invisble to people then im friggin in trouble
now my pops starting on me- for everything!
The main and first thing is he thinks I dont help out with the bills enough! We were discussing bills before and he keeps yelling at me for it.
I pay my assigned rent from housing, plus I pay 40 a fortnight for water, and out water bill is usally 60 a fortnight so im paying most of that and then on top of that I pay him 30 to put on his credit card as I used it before so I keep paying that off until ive used up what I used plus I put 100 extra on for interest and then I also pay 40 for power per fotnight as well and he pays 50 and not sure what eveeryine else pays
so all uo per fortnight I pay 200 out of my pay for bills plus I add in 100 for food shopping as well so really 300 a fortnight as I get paid forntightly. I also have my own bills to pay and my car to run as well and its rare I go on a spending splurge. Then when im in my car and hes with me he constantly tells me what to do. I go over the speed limit by 2 ks and im in shite. I brake to hard- nope I dont its actually very gentle unless its really unexpected as you get, my cars dirty and I need to detail it. You need new this and you need new that for your car. You go to fast towards the rondabout, your too close to that car, you need to expect the unexpected, why do you do this why do you do that. Omg and the lsit goes on and on and its everytime he gets in the car with me and he constantly lets me know by also grunting at me like my driving Is so rough.

3. im scared that im going to fail this exam on wednesday (study exam)

I feel like im seriously going to fail this exam. Everytime I try to study I get interupted, I was studying with @shaz51 and if it wasnt for her I would be more distracted as people kept calling me and asking me to do things constantly for stupid things and if I ignoored them they kept calling me until I did answer them. I have trouble concentrating and im really trying but I dont think its good enough. I cant seem to get anythign else right nor succeed in anything so why should I in this.
My exam is on wednesday coming so three days away and I feel extremley panicked.

4. i feel like a servant

Im back to feeling like a servant again and that speaks for itself- no explaination necessary. Plus its interupting my studies as well which is really annoying

5. im scared about tomorrows gp appointment and test results

im seriously scared about getting my ultrasound results back tomorrow. Im worried im going to have yet another diagnossis to worry about again and something else to deal with. I dont know if I really want to find out but I kno I need to find out otherwise ill just panic until I get the results. Im worried about the std and pap smear results which I cant get back until the 16th so thats still a week and abit away which is worrying as well

6. my body seriously hates me

i feel sick all the time!. i cant eat without feleing sick so im really starting to think its easier not to. i cant do anything that doesnt seem to exert my body. im constantly in physical with with my neck injury, my scoliosis, my foot, my stomach and pelvis, breasts or psychologically.

i dont even know if my medications are helping me anymore. my fears and anxiety and depression seem to override them greatly still and ive upped them three times and added an extra one in so they are both strong doses and they help each other to work even more efficiently if taken together which is what i do.

7. i dont think im cut out for riding anymore

i had a ride on my horse today and it went abit better than last time. she tried to bite me but didnt get me and i went to do a jump and she decided that she would dead stop and i could jump it myslef so i hit the decky but im ok abit sore form it but im ok luckily i didnt land on my back or stomach or head it was a hand then side job so lucky my wrist is broken. i did what i needed to do even though it was out of my comfort zonr and hopefully this will be a step in the right direction but geez i dont know if ive still got the knack for damaged or difficlut horses as i use to. i dont know whats wrong with me anymore. and when i was riding all i was getting was pain in my ankle frrom my injury so now i have to deal with that as well now

8. im annoyed!

i was trying to watch a movie on the tv and my youngest sisters comes out and says can we watch this show as mums boyfriend says it was on. i said no can we watch this movie. its a good movie and my youngest would probably like it
no reply and the friggin tv gets changed to watch the other tv show as my youngest sister and mums boyfirend likes to watch it. wtf. i was watching that movie and their response was why dont you just hire it from the dvd shp and watch it tomorrow oyu dont do anythign through the day anyway. NOT HAPPY! why couldnt they hire that movie tomorrow and watch it after shes home from school!

Wow @outlander you certainly have a lot going on!

I know what you mean about not having the ability to be a kid and missing out on childhood. I was the youngest, but because my brother was terminally ill, I spent a lot of my childhood at his bedside or in hospital waiting rooms, not outside playing and generally being a kid. I think I have a lot of pent up anger about that. These days, I'm approaching 40, but I try to get in touch with my inner child with stuffed animals. I still sleep with a stuffed caterpillar even though I'm an adult lol. Have you thought about trying to heal your inner child in therapy? It is something I've been working on with my psychologist.

You sound like you are contributing more than enough to the household. It is almost like your family is taking advantage of you a little (both emotionally and financially). I'm estranged from my family, so I don't have this problem and I'm afraid can offer little advice. I hear you want them in your life but you want some independence too, am I right? You shouldn't feel invisible, in trouble or a servant.

As for the exam, you can visualise yourself passing this exam? Try as much as you can to visualise this because I believe, a positive mindframe to an exam puts you in good stead to pass it. I was reading your other study thread today when you were chatting with @Shaz51 and I am pretty confident you're going to pass. Try not to be so hard on yourself ok?

The results from your GP and being sick all the time... I know it sounds scary, but I bet you want to know your results. Stressing out about them is natural though, can you do some of your drawings to distract from this? I like your art and am always keen to see more 🙂 I have a mystery illness too at the moment, but despite tests, doctors do not know what is wrong with me. It is daunting but I am trying hard not to think about it too much. Can you also do some mindfulness or gratitude meditations (downloadable as apps to a smartphone for free)? I find these help me when I feel low physically and emotionally.

As for the riding, I say keep at it. It is obviously something you have enjoyed in the past. Do you think your current stressors is keeping you from enjoying it now? Dealing with damaged/difficult horses is never easy either, so for that I take my hat off to you! My horse Comet used to do the same with jumps, allowing me to "jump" by myself. I am sure he is still laughing about it. Can you strap your ankle up before you put your boots on so you won't feel as much pain? I used to get a lot of injuries from riding. I had a terrible fall from when my young horse Rex was spooked (I was knocked out and dragged). I was nervous about riding after that, but I still did it and got better and better. I bet you love horses! I do too! Both my horses were ex-racing thoroughbreds and they were spoiled rotten. What is your horse like?

Sorry about the long ramble, but basically I am saying I hear you have a lot on your plate. Tackle one thing at once, don't overwhelm yourself.

Here for you,

Q x

@outlander I wouldn't be happy either. That's just not very fair at all. I hear you totally on this one. I have to wait until everyone goes out before I can watch what I want on tv. Then I put it on Max Music (we have Foxtel) and dance because nobody's watching.

wow thanks for reply @Queenie

im the oldest out of my sibling and ive witnessed many things that i never ever want them to see so the mothering side comes out quite alot and sometimes i dont mean to.

i havent even thought of it i have too many other things to worry about in therapy besides my inner child lol. i guess ill have to try to work that one out myself.

yes i want my family in my life but id like to be cut alittle slack- i literally do everything and im still invisible to them and when im not insible its for not doing something and then i get in trouble- see where im coming from?

what if i cant find the room? what if im too nervous to focus? what if i stuff up all my answers? what if im late? what if i dont get it all done in the allocated time? what if i cant find parking and i arrive late then i get the stares when i walk into the room? im super scared Queenie

yes i want my results cause if i dont i stress even more about them and what could be wrong- but seriously how many more diagnoses can i have for one person and a younger one at that. sheesh i wish both my brain and my body would give me a break

at the moment i dont really want to draw- maybe tomorrow but after study though as the exam is on wednesday morning. im glad you like the drawings though they arent very good but if they bring joy to others that makes me happy

yes i think current stressors and the fact that im being bullied there is holding me back and im not one to give up but right now i feel like giving up on this horse.

this horse is a total cow and when i say difficult i mean difficult- i can get on her thats the easy part. then when i ask her to walk shes ok for a minute then she turns to bite my feet and grabs my boot. shes got me a few times and left marks on my legs. if i dont have a crop then she doesnt move and is super stubborn, she will be going niceley then all of a sudden she drops her head to try and get you off or she stops really suddenly to unseat you. the cow kicks, bucks, bunny hop rears, paws at the ground, really standoffish, really stubborn and likes to get her own way and she will try everything to get out of it. she likes to unseat me quite alot but doesnt aways work. and then she will bite the bit and wont listen to me and jsut pretty much keeps trotting at fast pace or she will hit the breaks or wont move or turn or she will jsut turn her head to bite me. ive had everything that i can possibly think of to help her be comfortable so saddle and gear checks and fits, farrier, dentist, chiro, massage, right feeds, everything. so shes jsut being a cow. shes a quarterhorse paint breed

yes ive had many injuries too including the ankle injury that i have now and also i fell off a 16.2 thoroughbred. we were at a horse show and id been working with him for a while but he learnt a new trick to get me off and that was launched forward and duck out and then start bucking until i was off. and the last time wasnt the prettiest one so i decided to sell him on to another home. when he got me off i landed on hands and knees but my heads snapped down hit the ground, rebounded and then went back down which is how i got my neck injury. im lucky i can still walk and things casue it wasnt very nice. my knees had massive brusing from my knees right down to almost my ankles from the internal blood leaking everywhere. thankfully my wrist didnt break though i woudlnt have been surprised about it- my knees took the most brunt though.

im still trying to work out how to manage the pain while riding. i had 3 torn ligaments and a tendon done but i continued to hobble around on them as my gp didnt do the proper care and give crutches or a boot. even my podiatrsit said that and that was three years ago. ive still got the tendon healing and two of my ligaments are still torn, not as bad as before they but still pretty bad.

ive been riding since i was about 5 yrs old but mum had them before then and i use to be able to ahev pony rides then as well so pretty much riding before i could walk literally

and your not rambling on either @Queenie