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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

🐢💕❤️ @Phoenix_Rising ......🤣🤣🤣

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Faith-and-Hope Oh dear, what have I been eating that is causing this issue??? I seriously need to work on my diet. 😂😂😂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Mega big case of blues tonight.

We're going to have to leave this house. Too much in it is broken/breaking and the owner is way too overbearing, dodgy and super scary for it to be ok to stay. My CM put forward her concerns regarding my long term wellbeing under this level of stress, fear and uncertainty, and I agree (and knew it anyway but just didn't want it to be the case). I love the gardens and yard here. It's so close to so much we want and need. I am also over moving after the mess of the past months. I know how tiring and stressful it is to move and then get settled, and how much harder it is to find anyone to help me with it being that I don't really know many people anymore and the ones I do are not close by.

Next step is to get my name down on the community housing organisations we can, then it's back to wait and see and get stuffed around all over the place. I am desperate to keep the fish at their school and this may mean a long drive if we move out of the area.

It's even more complicated than breaking lease as there are contracts to get out of with this housing organisation (who have seemed to completely vanish and are probably off running a circus because that's what they seem to do best) too. It means probably needing to cite mental health stuff to more people. I'm sick of so many people needing to know all the messed up twisted stuff.

If we get a transitional housing offer it will mean probably being in a position of taking it, only to sit and wait for a more permanent house and then move again. Both houses may be in totally different areas to each other and to here.

It will be short term pain for long term gain, I know that. But it doesn't help right now as it is painful. This persistent uncertainty and instability, that maybe could have been avoided if someone had just cared when I expressed my concerns about this housing organisation/program, does damage. And I am feeling very sad about it tonight.

So it's a bath and fluffy blanket night, and maybe even a sad movie because I am holding in big tears right now.

I said earlier that knowing what next would help and it will, but maybe not tonight.

😞

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sorry to hear about having to move again @CheerBear . Moving sucks and is stressful on its own, let alone when there's all the complicated stuff surrounding it. Makes complete sense to me that it'd be very emotional. It's good that you have a plan of what the next steps are. And definitely good that you've got some self-care stuff for tonight. Not sure what to say, but I hear how tough it is.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am super sad that you are super sad. I can imagine how horribly stressful moving will be. It is exactly the sort of stress that you really don't need isn't it! Why can't the world just leave us alone for a few months so that we can heal our puddled brains, and then we would be in a position to deal with stuff like this. I'm thinking of you and your housing situation, and me and my painful encounter with Centrelink today. I still feel so super hyperaroused by it all and I know the situation probably isn't resolved yet. WHY can't the world understand that if they would just provide a bit of space and a bit of support, we could get back on our feet and no longer need that support, much quicker!!!!

I super hope you are able to get a house close by. I did think of one tinsy tiny microscopic positive while I was reading your post; wherever you go, so long as you have an internet connection, all of Forum Land will be right there with you. Wherever your new house is, you will get to take me and everyone else in Forum Land along with you. None of that horrible leaving people behind stuff!!!!

I know you are super sad tonight. Me too. We can be sad together and yet apart, on different yet colliding oceans.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@TheVorticon and @Phoenix_Rising - thank you both for hearing and understanding. It does help.

I do really like thinking about that positive phoenix_rising, which feels a lot bigger than microscopic. Forumland will be here, and really I have no-one to lose or leave behind where we are now. Looks like the months of shutting myself off from the world may have worked out well for me in this way I guess (kind of laughing at that one). If I can keep the fish where they are (and I will do everything I can to do that) then they won't really have anyone to lose either.

I'm very glad I have shared the good as well as the bad here, because I can go back and remind myself with my own words that I have survived and come out of way tougher than this recently. The good today is that I could see that finally someone from the CM's organisation has taken this seriously, and with that comes hope that this time maybe it won't be so messy or leave me so lost.

That bath and some reading and an early night for me tonight.

Thank you both

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

sorry that its been a bit hard. but the journey is not over yet @CheerBear.

i'm here thats all i'll say. following along.
thinking of you all tonight my not-friends. forum land.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've got that really big lump in my throat that makes it feel hard to swallow happening. It happens when I am fighting tears and at the moment it feels like I'm halfway between keeping it all together and collapsing.

It's just a house. It's not like I didn't know this was probably coming. I don't even care about the house. It isn't a house I chose and it's not like it was ever my house anyway. I knew I would have to move from here one day. It's the other stuff that comes with it that's getting at me tonight I think.

It's the stuff where I just miss home so much. I miss my neighbours and my friends. I miss our local shops where everyone knew us. I miss feeling like there was always someone just around the corner if I needed. I miss living where my baby fish grew into little fish. I miss not having to worry about something as massive as finding a home. I miss it all so so much tonight.

I want to know when the pain of it will stop feeling so unbearable when it surfaces. I will get through this eventually, I know that. But I want to know if it will ever stop being there ready to try to suffocate me when something brings it up. I don't want to have to work so hard to keep it together forever because it is so tiring.

I want to sleep because I am really tired and drained, but I don't want to go to bed feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this at all and definitely not so soon after feeling good again. It's scary and I don't like it 😞

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I don't often walk along the rainbow path to the nest but tonight I wanted to let you know that I can see how toiugh this is for you and I truly feel for you @CheerBear So I am delivering youv4 things - some lemon gelato, some flowers, a smile (just in case you need a new one...) and my love...

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That was a bit of a shaky one last night. Nightmares got me after I switched off for the night too.

I'm going to practice wearing the 'for the most part I am ok, but sometimes I'm still really not ok and I'm ok with that' hat, rather than the 'I'm totally ok, it will all be totally ok' one.

It helped me lots to be able to read over the story I posted the other day and look at the blanket I made because it reminded me that, while it's not ok at the moment it is likely that it will be again one day.

Counselling today which is great and an appt with my mh worker tomorrow (also good). Tomorrow I will work on expanding on that plan a bit more, seeing as this big thing definitely checks the 'unexpected stress' and is likely to check the 'cumulative stressors' (however they're written) boxes. I'll focus on self-care stuff as much as I can and try to keep at those basic things that do help. Have to watch my temper because it is short and I'm snappy.

Thanks @Zoe7 for walking the rainbow path and for your beautiful bright gifts. They helped a lot 💗. Will be thinking of you today, and will put on my rainbow gumboots and walk the rainbow path in this wet and rainy weather to see how you get on.
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