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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
They're text messages @Zoe7. I don't have any social media anymore and haven't shared email with anyone. I can block incoming phone calls but not text messages (as far as I can tell). I'll have a bit more of a look in my phone settings though thanks Zoe. I might need to send a message asking that they stop texting me if it doesn't stop. I suck at this part of stuff, the whole putting myself first thing. It feels so bad. I have a feeling I'm in good company with this one here though 😉
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear I just looked on my iphone. I'm settings/messages there is a menu item that says blocked and you can add a number. I'm sure if you're on android you could too under settings. Google it if you can't find it.
So sorry that you e been getting this sucky reminder. 😖
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
oh yes you are in good company @CheerBear - what kind of phone do you have - iphones I can't help with but androids I can
A carefully worded reply may also be empowering for you in the long run @CheerBear - something to ponder at least - I can help you out with that one if you like - had a little practice there myself !!!!!!
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Arrrrggh i should seriously know by now not to attempt to have any kind of sensible adult conversation here at LF are bananas o'clock. Thanks @Former-Member and @Zoe7 - be back when all is quieter in this house!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
'at LF are bananas o'clock' - that did so make me laugh and that is not an easy job today @CheerBear
Catch ya later neighbour
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
After searching through my phone settings I found it thanks @Zoe7 and @Former-Member! I had to hunt around a bit but was missing a setting when I looked earlier.
@Zoe7 - I love the idea that it might be empowering to send a message. I started thinking about what to say and might just be really honest. Thank friend for keeping me up to date with everything and thinking of me, but explain that it is very hard to read as I miss it all too much and know I can never go back to it. Let friend know that LF and I are trying to start our new life now, which means leaving our old one behind for good, which hurts but is what has to happen. Wish friend well and say goodbye. Gulp. I can do that though. It surely has to feel better than being pulled back into old life when I don't expect it? Maybe next message I can send one back like that. Thanks for your perspective and help. I so appreciate it.
Cheers lovely people. Glad you got a smile too Zoe 🙂
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear, My feelings are super gigantically huge because @CherryBomb is leaving. Everything is giant and crazy in my brain and I feel super super super alone. Can I please sleep snuggled in your pocket tonight with squishy and Mr Seahorse? My whole inside hurts. Everybody goes away @CheerBear. My brain is super flooded. My brain is overflowing with a bazillion memories of a bazillion people going away. I feel utterly utterly utterly alone.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I was replying on your wave thread but will come here instead.
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so alone tonight @Phoenix_Rising.
I know our situations are different but I can very much get how incredibly painful it can be when friends aren't there anymore. I think you get that I can get this part of the muddle by now too. So not-friends works for me as well.
I'd love to have you in my pocket tonight, close but not too close to Squishy and Mr Seahorse.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you for letting me snuggle @CheerBear. I know that you know the pain of loss. My brain feels like it has gone all puddled again after oh-so-slowly improving over the past week. Now I feel like I've fallen all the way down the mountain again. Everything hurts. I am so super glad that we are not friends. Night.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear my feelings are giant and I am scared. I have giant angry feelings but I know the angry feelings are just secondary to the even more gigantic grief and abandonment feelings. I'm scared that I am going to alienate everybody because of the giant angry feelings. I'm scared that you and @Faith-and-Hope and @Zoe7 and @Former-Member and @Shaz51 and @TheVorticon and the many other people who hang out on the shore will go away because I'm so prickly when my feelings are so giant. Please know that I don't mean to be bad. I really am borderline - a real live proper borderline - one that doesn't cope with abandonment well at all. I am not coping at all with CherryBomb leaving, and I don't have anywhere to get support with that...which means it is all playing out here in Forum Land. I have left a message for (A) to call me today and I will call the SANE helpline, and there's no-one else. I hate that my big feelings are playing out here in Forum Land, but there's simply no-one else. Please don't hate me as you see me in complete meltdown due to the abandonment stuff.
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