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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear the break place sounds like it was AMAZING and made a super gigantic difference to you. I'm so glad you created this thread because the evolution from where you were a few weeks ago to now, is awesome to look over. I am so very happy for you my not-friend. By the way, if you go on to make lots of friends, it will still be ok that we are not-friends won't it?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - I'm not planning on going anywhere any time soon. Our not-friendship is something I value enormously.

Thank you my favourite not-friend for your understanding and support and for being you. You have made a huge difference. (This is usually where I'd send hearts and love and stuff - know I have a huge smile and big warm fuzzies right now though 🙂 )

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


@CheerBear wrote:
(This is usually where I'd send hearts and love and stuff - know I have a huge smile and big warm fuzzies right now though 🙂

@CheerBear I wonder if you will ever make it onto my safe touching list. I have thought a few times that it is odd that you haven't, because I super love snuggling in your pocket...but I don't have the slightest inclination to receive a hug from you.

I SUPER love how (A) has shifted and become ok with putting her hand on my back during sessions. It calms my whole body down SO much. That is definitely one of the reasons I won't sack her. That probably helped more than anything today.

Yep, the healing of trauma has a LOT more to do with the body than most mental health professionals currently appreciate!

Night.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

We haven't hugged @Phoenix_Rising but I think somewhere there was a hint that I made it very briefly onto your safe touching list. I think maybe it was the time A didn't mean to upset you but that didn't matter because you were left to work it out and that's what mattered. I remember because I felt super special and took it that you felt safe which I have mega respect for. I'm totally ok with keeping a pocket spare for you to snuggle in if that's where you feel most comfortable though 🙂 Physical touch does some funny things to me sometimes too, though I'm not quite as forward/able to state what's ok and what's not in the non-virtual world as I think you might be which has left me very shaken before.

I really like that A is able to do that for you to help you feel safe. I hope that with time more mental health professionals will understand the role of the whole body in trauma too.

Night 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I want to thank you sooo much for your long reply. I want to respond when I've a brain, well some part of a brain, back. There was lots of things that were really helpful to read. Catch up tomorrow. I hope you're snuggled up sleeping now. 💜🤗💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear
I identify with a lot you have written. Im particular the 'need to make a difference '. I chose to work with individuals and advocacy rather than health policy. For many years now I have maintained that if I can make a difference to one person then everything I have suffered will have been a positive in my life and turn very negative experiences over many many years into positives.

Congratulations on all you jave achieved in such a short time. I too discovered that my integral self was and is, still there. Hugzzz

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Not sure where to start @CheerBear and I've put pressure on myself to write a worthy response which is always going to end in tears, so I'm going to break it up and write my response in bits, hopefully saving us both 😊.

There are definitely parts of your story I identify with. I identify with the dramatic and sudden change of life through no fault of your own. Part of me really wants to share my story here with you but I can't for my own sanity.....and it is left of field and potentially triggering for others to read. It also leaves me feeling very vulnerable.

I can't remember if I told you but I was half way through my degree when it hit. Although I was very passionate about it I did not have the career or pathway to my future mapped out. Actually I was really scared about working in the industry because of some of my deficits. I had always envisioned a small business creating one off websites cheaply for small businesses as a way of giving them a presence on the internet without all the bells and whistles. I saw a place for this back when I was studying 6 years ago now. I tried twice to go back but my brain was fried and life circumstances meant that I was learning to live with so many new pressures and experiences. I was living on high alert 24/7 too but not from physical danger to me or the kids. For me it was emotional fear. Sorry it would help if there was an explanation for that.

I think the thing that has stood out for me is that I've struggled to really connect with anyone since because of me. I just tried to unpack that statement but I think it's too complex. Long story short it has been much easier to let people from the forum into my heart than anyone in real life. I think I just feel too damaged irl, I'm not really sure but I just know that this is the only place I feel connected in a meaningful way. I push everyone else away. Sometimes I push people away here too when I'm feeling too vulnerable.

Like you, @Phoenix_Rising and so many others I was further broken by the MH system. It's ultimately been this which has lead to so much distruction. My latest enormous bout of SI has come from a huge white ship who destroyed me last week. I didn't see it coming at all. I've struggled immensely to stay here since.

Yesterday afternoon I tried to change my thinking. I asked you for help trying to find things to hold on to and I went back to an old thread which bought back lots of shame and I can't read back through it but it seemed like the right place to be visible again here. It's called 'Moving forward' in looking after our wellbeing. And as a side note it's quite uncannily close to your post yesterday, I began that thread as I was going to give up my plan. The white ships had demanded it but I refused to give it to them too. I made a plan with my therapist to hand it to her and she would tell the white ships she had it. It's still in her locked drawer in her office. The plan was always that when I didn't need it anymore because I was living a life worth living we'd have a ceremony and destroy it together. It's still the plan. However because it wasn't my choice I restocked and unfortunately am in a worse position now than I was before with it and I can't let it go. BUT I was so very proud of you. I really hope it's your choice and you keep that strength to not go back there.

I'll come back to this again. I've had 4 seasons in one day today already and am not feeling very self assured but I wanted to start responding.

I hope today is ok. Thinking of you knowing you have a huge journey ahead but am so grateful that you had the opportunity to be able to get the support and space required to start again.

Loads of hugs 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Omg a long post after all 😜😂😄

i can do them too 😄

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just checking in. R u ok @CheerBear? Just noticed you've been quiet today. I'm hoping that's because you've been really busy but here for you if things aren't so good. 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

hello @CheerBear , are you ok my friend xx

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