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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear siting with you xoxo

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBearI know how hard it is to put trust in others, especially when little people are involved. But to be there for those little people, you need to look after yourself. Being scared is ok. Am wishing this works out the best for you

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear My lack of words doesn't mean lack of thoughts.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can feel the thoughts, care and understanding, and very much appreciate them thank you ❤

I didn't get a call yesterday. I spent my evening trying to distract myself from anxiety and panic, and trying really hard not to read and research to work out what might happen next. I didn't do so well at that last one, but I did manage to keep flip out relatively under control-ish. It's the unknown with them (catts) that will drive some big worry. I can wait however long I need, but waiting would be a lot easier with a little bit more of an idea of what's going to happen.

It is what is though and worry doesn't help. I'm definitely in a better place this time and can settle panic quicker, see the bigger picture, and do what I need to get through. That gives me hope and maybe a bit more confidence, that this is going to be different.

I feel really disorganised and want to get stuck into preparing things mode. Stuff like uniforms, the cupboards, fridge, school notes and events, etc. I think my person will come and stay here so the crew can still go to school, and being that I don't know when this might happen, I want to be ready for it at anytime. So that's my plan today.

Hope there's good in the day for anyone reading 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I took the call from psych triage and it was great (so much thank you to a psych who would have helped with that too). They listened, carefully asked questions, explained the process and asked what could help me the most. I felt respected, calm enough, supported and in control. I was able to say that CATTs coming over with the my little crew here was not a good idea, and they agreed and have noted that it is better for me to speak on the phone or go and see them myself. The referral to CATT has now been put in and they will call within a couple of days, probably sooner rather than not, for an assessment with the purpose as being to get me to the break place. It could all happen quickly from here. So, so good when things work. This feels like progress (even if it's also feeling a bit backwards step in going for an admission). Now crossing fingers the catt call works the same way.

Breathing ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Breathing with you @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

❤️ @CheerBear ......

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That’s awesome news @CheerBear. All systems go hopefully. And it’s not a step back it’s a step forward 😘

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, so good to hear that this has started well, and that you didn't have to wait too long for triage! No step backwards, as @Teej said too. A step towards rest, recovery and renewed strength beyond.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I just did the CATT call too and it was also really good. Not triggering, not terrifying, just gentle careful support and making sure safety is priority. Next step is an assessment at the catt clinic on Monday morning, where hopefully a referral to the break place can happen. I feel relieved and kind of proud and like I've got this, this time. Such a difference when people aren't making decisions for me, when I'm not working against them, and when we're all working together and on the same page - who would have thought 😉

@Maggie @Faith-and-Hope @Teej @Mazarita and whoever else might read this just wanted to share. Thank you for your got this support ❤
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