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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So very pleased to hear that things are, seemingly at least at this time, moving forward in some ways for you @CheerBear. Steps taken even though you didnt' want to, mean the negative potential consequences of not jumping through hoops are avoided. That's hard work. Well done you.

Best of the best good wishes for the next hurdle!

And then your time away. Water, relaxation, time with loved ones. Of such things are the best of times made.

@Faith-and-Hope

All sorts of good wishes for the day for those in the nest.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Not sure if I have the timing right, but I think you had one of those I-wish-I-didn't-have-to-do-this days today tomorrow (daylight saving time zone stuff strikes again at my timing ) I do hope it went goes well, and even better than expected. You so deserve some easing of the stressors.

Thinking of you and all you are doing to get the best for yourself and your littles. It's a hard slog.

Wondering how the packing is going and just how big your crochet in case I might want to do this project, bag is!

Rest well and have a wonderful wonderful few days elsewhere.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you for the messages, that made me smile. I wish I could reply properly but as happens life threw a big one yesterday.

I also wish that I could be logging on wearing those positive pants that I had on yesterday morning. Yesterday morning I was sitting under a lemon tree in the sunshine, writing a 'feeling good' reply. Before I could finish writing, I took a call that will probably be one of those ones I'll never forget. It was from a very sad, very worried person, to pass on a message that someone has been and is trying to find us. They waited until they thought I would have done the school thing because they had a feeling that the news would do as it did to me. It made my world spin. I went into panic mode and called everyone I could think of calling, and then sat and waited for someone to get back to me. I had to sit very still because everything inside me was yelling to run away and run fast, but I knew I didn't need to do that. It felt exactly like it did when I took the call that triggered all of this stuff in the first place.
I managed to settle panic, with some supportive support and a whole lot of telling myself that it would pass, that flip out to that level couldn't last forever and that once it passed I'd be able to go into action mode sensibly. When action mode happened, as it always does, I let those who needed to know, know. I found some next steps advice and sat through questions about safety and whether we needed to think about leaving (the answer is no). I called our local service who deal with this stuff and will hear from their intake team soon. They're the same ones I said goodbye to at the end of last year, who I never, ever wanted to have anything to do with again. I let the school know and had a call from the principal to let me know they've got this too. Thank goodness for that school. My mental health worker called and rescheduled my DES appointment for me (definite bright side there), and even my psych returned my call last night.
I thought yesterday that this was my biggest worry coming to be reality, but I can see that it isn't there yet. My biggest worry is 'found you'. This is one down from that, which is a positive, and it puts things into perspective for me. Nothing matters more to me than those who matter most to me in the world. It reminds me that, for all I can't predict the future, I can trust those gut feelings as I've had a gut feeling it was just a matter of time. It shows me that the symptoms that make living hard, are also the ones that make it safe. Hypervigilance has kept us from being found and will continue to do so. It removed any doubt I had that I've overreacted with the lengths taken to hide us that have hurt. Far out.
I haven't packed a thing. The washing machine washed uniforms for today and that's it. Someone is coming today to help me. They offered as I think they wanted to do something, anything, and I said a very teary "yes please". I don't care whether we get it done, I just want a hug from that someone. I want to be away, from everything, in the middle of nowhere, with those who matter most to me, more than I want to do anything else at the moment. The timing, for a change, is really good.
I can't and don't want to talk about this here more than what I have already, but I did want to let people know, because I know people care. I know people understand that the systems are broken and that if only they worked better, so many of us would be able to function better. Too many of us struggle, not so much because there is something wrong with us, as much as it's because there is so much wrong with the way things work sometimes. I'm not going anywhere here, but I may be even more 'now you see me, now you don't' for a bit, which I have feeling will be understood. Thank you, lots, to those who I feel are by my side. It does make a difference.
And now I'm going to leave this novel here, putting it behind me and hoping it gets a little lost as I'm scared of lots right now. I really don't want to be scared here too. If anyone has any yarn creature ideas, that would be awesome. I need to work out what colours to put in my 'planning on being small, but likely to be huge' craft bag (plus it might help bury this one)
And for all the scared, there is definitely more of this ⬆️ going on for me than anything else (she is totally making her way to being inked one day)

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So sorry @CheerBear that this situation is occurring. Stay safe 🌿❤️🌸

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Catcakes. I do safe well and I have oodles more experience with this stuff now than I did before, to make sure it will stay that way. I've got this (with a pretty strong team around us). Maybe with big ugly tears and some swearing but I do ❤

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

From me too @CheerBear ..... ❤️❤️❤️

Can you make an otter ?
Otters are fast.
Otters are a ball of enquiry and hypervigilant by nature.
Otters are inventive.
Otters create their own fun when left to their own devices.
Otters are fearless creatures who will give their all to life.
Otters are fierce about their young.
And they are a fuzzy warm ball of cuddle.



In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @CheerBear, I'm so sorry. Sending bucket loads of these 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚. I am so so glad an irl-today-hug is going to happen for you.

I don't have a pattern for this one, but it's a picture I saved a while ago and it seems appropriate. And in the interest of bumping things along, I'll go looking for some others now. 💚

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @CheerBear i have no real words except I’m so sorry that it happened. There are lots of mixed negative emotions but the one that came out strongest reading that was 😢. Your post is full of strength and hope though. You’ve got this! thinking of you and sending loads of hugs. 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Big hugs ❤ @CheerBear i cant imagine how you would be feeling right now. 🦄🦄

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Did you catch my otters @Faith-and-Hope? 😁 They look a bit more like funny bears in the photo (and a middle said they looked like odd teddies). Seems we both had the same thoughts ❤

Thanks @Former-Member and @Teej also 💚💜

Gotta fly and catch that real life hug. Back when I'm back

(Huuuuge thanks x)
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