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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear. Sending you lots of these 💚💚💚💚💚 and totally feeling the bigness of the brain mash and darkness of the heavy-heart-ness.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

hey @CheerBear,

ive been in a similar position on a few occasions in the past re uni study and mental health difficulties while on the DSP.

I know universities tend to be very flexible these days for persons expereincing mental health difficulties.

if you wish to finish your degree maybe have a chat to the university disability unit (and also your program coordinator) and give them the full story. They may be able to work something out for you 🙂 they were able to help me get over the line on a number of occasions

eg they might be able to extend the time allowed to complete the degree, allow extension of time to complete assessments, allow special conditions for weekly classes and exams, offer some mentoring or personal support, offer some peer support, change the assessments and types of assessments, allow you to study from home, they may even allow you to be granted a degree if you have completed all units of the degree except the last one 😉 there are heaps of other things they might be able to do too 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks Outlander, bookish, pepsimax and notlabeldefined.

@NotLabelDefined thanks for the suggestions. That's what I have done a number of times already and then continued doing with questions about what the point in having an accessibility service is if there's nothing they can do to make things more accessible, and how much it shouldn't be called flexible learning if there is no flexibility. It got me not very far. It did get me someone offering me a placement opportunity (which is what I have left, plus a unit that runs alongside it) right in the middle of an area that I can not go anywhere near which I had already mentioned to them in the full story I have already given a number of times.

There really isn't a huge amount of options as far as this particular course goes now, unless my life and everything about it can change quickly.

I appreciate that you took the time to reply though, thanks.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💜💐 @CheerBear ......

I am sitting in a rest room in a public art gallery listening to you ...... you matter ...... you will find a way to get through this because that is what you do ..... so if you have time to deliberate about this ..... let the time unfold a bit ..... make a nest out of it ..., sit with it and see where the way opens again ......

Hugs n hugs ...... 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

hi @CheerBear,

that sounds a bit rough on their behalf. however im sure what ever path you do take in the future will benefit from your expereinces at uni. i think all challenging things we do in life help us grow in different ways...whether we complete them or not...its all new expereinces, and without new expereinces its likely things will remain the same 🙂

all the best in whatever pathway/s you choose to follow 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I'm sorry today is feeling so wonky and hopeless in your world. It's all a stupid game you know, this whole thing of focusing either on our unremitting wonkiness or focusing on recovery (whatever the hell that word means!). It's a stupid tick-a-box game. Having said that, I truly do know how utterly soul crushing it is to be forced to focus on our wonkiness.

I so so SO hear you regarding needing hope in order to keep on keeping on. If I had some myself, I would send it your way. Alas, hope is something I am lacking a bit too.

I so badly wish you could get some better support from your uni. I found disability services useless at my uni, but the counselling service (or at least one person in it, namely K) was a life-saviour. Are the counselling and disability services separate at your uni? I always thought it was so ridiculous that they were at mine - just reinforcing the fact that mental/emotional issues are somehow distinct to "disabilities."

I'm sitting with you in your wonkiness today. We can be wonky together.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I have 30 minutes to un-sad myself so I can do the fish thing. Hope is lost today but it can come back. It comes and goes - I know this. I live and breathe this.

I want my degree and I want to work and I want to make a difference in the world. I need to be part of change because so much needs to change. Right now my world feels like it has shrunk to the size of the walls of this house and those who live in it. But it won't always be like that. It's a while away and that sucks and it hurts, but nothing is forever except forever right?

I'm going to pick up my fish and I wish I could say what we're doing in our house today, because it is so great. I can say that two woke up at 5 something and we had to have a conversation about how playing on the trampoline with a new big bag of hollow plastic balls is maybe something that should wait until at least the street lights are no longer on, which made us laugh. The two love/haters walked in to school today holding hands and the bigger of them offered to take the smaller one to their classroom door. They are funny and happy and intense and exceptionally normal and that is maybe going to be the most important difference I can make in the world. They are my main reason and purpose right now. I know that there's reason and meaning and purpose beyond these walls one day, and I know deep inside that my value and worth lies in more than being a mum, as it lies in being a person. With time things will change. Everything always changes. It's time (and I need to work on patience maybe).

I feel so angry that things worked out the way they did. It hurts that this is punishment on punishment sometimes. The very biggest punishment in the whole entire world for me would be to not have them though and, while the cost has been huge, it's has been worth it. I do know this I just have to wait for my feelings to catch up to that again.

Big giant sadness that will pass.

Thank you for the sitting to those who have been.

(With a chickened our edit sorry 🐤)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear 💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - I keep thinking of "I know what it's like down here, and you're not alone". I have thought of you and your going through the process horribleness so many times recently.

💚
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