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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning, @CheerBear. Thinking of you as the sun rises and the birds are sounding their beautiful morning songs. I hear them singing for you and your rapid recovery. May you wake in far less pain and feeling less alone. This virtual village, full of real people just on the other side of the screen, love and care for you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

A shy hi from a me who doesn't really remember what I wrote here last night (but looking back is thankful it wasn't too lala landish - it really could have been! 😆)

That was a bit of a tricky couple of days! Today is a bit better and that's the way it is likely to go from here (that's the plan anyway). Little bit by bit will be important I think (note to self).
I didn't come out of the anaesthetic well and spent quite a while in recovery with that big pain and the added not-funness of lots of panic attacks. This morning the doctor said that the pain is probably a nerve thing (it can feel like fire when it happens) as what I had done involves lower back nerves, but hopefully it will ease up in a couple of days. Aside from that, it seems to have gone well. It's pretty confronting to look at in the mirror as it's bigger and messier than I expected, but I know how to manage this stuff if starts to not look/feel right and I think it will be properly better soon.
I was up and down all night last night and had a 'moment' at around 5am where I was pretty adamant that I was going to be discharged and go home there and then as recovery is way easier for me from home, but it was a no-go for the nursing staff on (no surprise really!). Panic again at the idea that I wasn't able to leave if I wanted but some knock-out meds helped keep me in bed a bit longer until it was more reasonable to go home o'clock. I really do wish I had a brain that wasn't so me sometimes. I annoy myself (and probably most who know me) a lot.
I'm now making my way home on my epic public transport trip. It hurts and I feel sick, groggy and shaky, but it won't be too much longer until I am home and can snowflake in my own bed with a fluffy mouse and noodle, and some littles later who will be happy to see me. I'm so thankful that I have a hand in the circus right now.
I'm glad this is over and it's probably over for a very long time now. It's been too many years of this stuff and yesterday was my "I'm done with it all" end to it. This was my choice after their plan A and B sucked and weren't going to work for me. My choice always feels better and now I'm back to my abnormal normal for the first time in a long time, and that's more than ok with me (or it will be once this is behind me).
Thank you awesome virtual village which means a huge amount to me ❤. The forum feels I got last night felt so, so good and I really appreciate it.
@outlander your glitter comment reminded me I had sparkly polkadot socks with me so I put them on and they made me smile
@Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope you both found the same picture! Very cool (and that's how I spent a lot of bed time looking last night 😉 ) My unicorned head leaked on the pillow and turned it from boring white to pretty coloured 😁 Bookish I've been trying to catch you in the teeny hours to show you something that might not make much sense to many others. One time if we're both online together I hope I can share it with you 💚
@Phoenix_Rising thanks for being you and being there, there and here, here. I Thelma'd again this morning which helped me calm down. Here you were hiding on my knee prepped and ready for theatre (we sure have been on some together-but-not adventures now)
TTT drawings are mind blowingly whaaaaat?! I have no idea what to make of them but they're very cool! I hope today is one of the ok/more ok than not ones.
@Former-Member 😗 for you Niqua ❤🌞
@Former-Member thank you. Hope you and yours are ok. Can't believe school holidays are creeping up again. I feel like I've just recovered from them!
@Former-Member I started flower basket girl while I was waiting around yesterday. She's going to be very cute. Hugs for you (and one day soon I'll be over in that corner properly) ❤
@Catcakes did I imagine something about emus and roadworkers and Mr Squiggle last night?! 😆
@Former-Member so good to see you. I've been missing you and thinking of you. Hugs for you and D 🐞🐝🐜💗 Coffee soon maybe/hopefully ☕🍰
@Mazarita your message this morning gave me mega warm fuzzies. Thank you so much. Wishing you the best with your last minute trip organising and big day today. You rock!
Waving hi to those under the like button also, who give me smiles. Close to bed now (yay for forum distractions to help tricky times)
👋☺

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Big hugs @CheerBear im proud of you for going through no matter how tough it was/is 💕
Aww glad you got a smile. Glitter fixes everything 💖
Safe travels back home and please take care of yourself and go easy until your healed properly
😘🌼🌷🌺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I am superly duperly glad you get to go home today. I love that your unicorn head leaked onto the pillow and turned it into a unicorn pillow.

I'm eagerly awaiting the picture of me on your knee just before "we" went into surgery yesterday. Yep, we sure have been on some adventures together-but-not now. I'm glad I was on your knee - after @Catcakes story about the little boy colouring himself in pre-surgery, I was mildly concerned about exactly where I would be on this adventure. As it is, I'm glad I kept my eyes closed a lot of the time.

I hope there is a happy LF reunion soon and that you continue to heal super quickly. hooray for yesterday being over. I just knew you could do it - cos you're awesome.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Nice socks @CheerBear can see them now and also love your little turtle drawing

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Lovely to read your amazing post @CheerBear. Not sure what you mean about road workers and emus.... boy you were on some pretty fine drugs 😷😴
I’ve put a big soft blanket in my car and I’m picking you up and delivering you home right now.....no shaky, pukey public transport trips 🤒🤕🤮

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just sitting under the Like button here .... enjoying all the over-it-now news ..... ❣️

@CheerBear and everybody .....

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That’s so gorgeous @Catcakes ..... 🤗💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I had to call a taxi to take me home from hospital once 😔
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