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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear PR's brain all broken. Super care about CB. CB ok? Snuggle. Sleep. Will pass.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Tricky afternoon @Phoenix_Rising but I am ok. I have that operation adventure to tackle early next week, as of a short notice call today. I love the way life can seem like it goes "next challenge coming right up" sometimes. Looking forward to this one being over.

It'll pass.

I feel you care and thank you. I care super lots too. Big 😞 for broken brain. Night.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @CheerBear,

just dropping in to see how you are going? From the outside looking in it looks like you’ve been giving so much support but there is much turmoil within. You don’t need to talk about it here, I just wanted to let you know I’m here to support should you need.

Sent from someone who is totally tumultuous currently but trying to find up in the crazy 😜:face_with_rolling_eyes:

💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you for your (incredibly well-timed and lovely) message @Teej. I had just walked to my car after being out and stood there wondering what I was going to do. I didn't want to be at home and I didn't want to be out. I looked at my phone and the word turmoil stood out. I'm in a big 'what am I going to do' funk and it feels like I could apply that to so many things. It feels like lost and it probably does feel like turmoil. I want to talk but I don't (and I just deleted a vent and then regretted it but I won't write it again - I think that sums it all up perfectly :face_with_rolling_eyes:).

I really miss my people and my old life Teej and I feel really sad and really angry about that sometimes. I question what I am going to do about it and the very ugly truth is there is probably not a whole lot I can do, more than I am doing.

I tried to do the uni organising thing and had all this motivation and determination to give some focus to that over the next couple of weeks. It took a lot of "breeeeathe CB. Baby steps CB" to not fall in an overwhelmed heap when I had the requirements given to me (which are is a big question of whether they are even possible as my life is right now - it's iffy), and then yesterday's call happened, which feels like it's put a pause on that. It's just a pause and it won't be for long at all, but really the timing was a giant laugh-cry one. Bright side is that I'll have a few days with an extra hand in the circus next week though. And an excuse to wear my pjs more than I usually get to during the week. And maybe even treat myself to a new pair of awesomely ridiculous ones. Probably with unicorns or polkadots 😁

Turns out I did write it again (yep no idea what I want to do) 😉. Thank you for listening and for taking the time to drop by, and for gently encouraging me out of a bit of a bottle.

From someone who can totally relate to totally tumultuous ☺💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Pocket crew help CB be brave for operation? Need Pjs with polkadotted unicorns.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Pocket crew will definitely be there @Phoenix_Rising ☺ They won't let me take them in in though, so I'm thinking I might hide a little drawing somewhere. I can get my brave on I just have to control my frustration at it all, which is more the thing I think.

You know there are no polkadotted unicorn pjs that I could find 🙁 . I found this amazing set though (which wouldn't reach me on time plus it is in French and I don't think impulse online purchases in another language are a good idea right now 😉)

It's like a little bundle of goodness 😁

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @CheerBear,

I’m really hesitant to write this but wanted to share my experiences with facing a new life (or maybe trying to face a new one as in my case). I’m really hoping this doesn’t add to any angst and it is just my thoughts and feelings. I’m aware that yours may be very different.

In my 6 and a half years experience I’ve learned (and mostly the hard way) that I can’t and won’t ever be able to recreate my old life for very different (and some maybe some of the same reasons as you). I think the first part for me is knowing I broke and will never go back the same way. I have access to my village still, I have been very fortunate that there is pretty much always a warm friendly hand to greet me in my old village but it doesn’t work like that anymore. For lots of reasons I can’t talk about (emotional reasons) I learned that it’s not enough. I’m not part of that 'world' anymore. This falls into geographical, socioeconomic, lifestyle, careers and trauma that didn’t just affect me. The divide has become too great. I tried lots but it just kept creating more pain. So now I see my old village once or twice a year and as of the last time before Christmas I enjoyed the catch up but knew that it was not something I’m able to do on a regular basis. Even though it’s enjoyable it’s very emotional and draining and anxiety provoking.

Just lately, especially after volunteering (but also from being on the forum) I see that there are so many people that have their lives turned upside down through no fault of their own and at the hands of others. I guess it makes me feel less alone and have mostly accepted that life is a bitch sometimes. I must admit I haven’t struggled with anger over my stuff (which was actually an issue everyone kept raising) and I’m not in your situation at all. I know it’s very very different. I guess I wanted to share that even if you could go back it wouldn’t be the same any longer. So much has changed that makes it different, it just can’t go back once the genie is out of the bottle. What I do know though is you’ve done it once and you’ll do it again. It will be a different village but just as supportive and as fulfilling as your old one......and to lighten it up the grass is never greener on the other side. There will be differences but there will be new things too that are positive.

So @CheerBear you can do this, we need your pedometer just counting each baby step so you can see how far you’ve come. This weeks adventure ( with let’s go the whole hog and have polka dot unicorn pjs) will be another anxiety provoking experience that will get to another step closer to where you want to be

And just in case you’ve forgotten

And

(Think it might be time to create some you’ve got this images 😳)

💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you so much @Teej. I got the tears but that's not exactly unusual for me and it's probably healthier than wanting to break stuff.

You're so right. If I went back to that village it would be so different. Even if I could reconnect, so much has changed anyway.

I'm struggling to accept the broken and that's a problem. I want fixed not broken. Uni would/will help, whenever that can happen but the uni coordinator suggested maybe I need to wait a little longer. When I think about my reactions during the conversation I had with her, she's probably on to something. I *may* have spewed out a whole lot of "I don't give a crap what placement I get what I do anymore, I just want the piece of paper that will have cost me tens of thousands of dollars and years of hard work, that I am unlikely to ever use because screw being a part of any of it anyway". And then I said sorry and that my hopes and dreams had been crushed and I was trying to find them again and this was a little step to doing that. She was helpful and she hasn't been in the past, so maybe it wasn't the worst oopsies.

We have a BBQ with the not-wonky in this murky pond this afternoon. It's a beautiful afternoon. Maybe my goal for the day is to look at what is right on front of me. The village here is what it is and that's all it can be for now and it will have to do.

Heading out now. Today is 20/2/18. All I can do today is today maybe. Huge big giant thank you @Teej. Good luck with the ants. I feel like we've both written essays when maybe washing sheets would have been helpful 😉 (but I so appreciate that you shared that and did that today)

💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Stopping by to drop off some snuggle pillows and warm hugs for @CheerBear

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Making a new life-place for oneself is daunting, that's for sure. Very few things will be the same as they were before, and sometimes that is for the best, even though we so wholeheartedly wish it was otherwise.

I wrote a whole heap of stuff but deleted it. I wish life and living was different.

My whole identity has been changed so for me there is no going 'back' to anything or anyone.

Don't worry about the craft thing - we'll get to it when we get to it.

Be well CheerBear, or as well as you can be at any given moment.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Well either they say through you @CheerBear or .. does sound a bit familiar re trying to be offhand/loose .. can work in job interviews have found tho .. if it feels right, do it. Yes quals beat no quals .. just do something you like if you do.
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