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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
You are very special @Catcakes, @CheerBear to me xxxxxx
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thanks @Shaz51 and @Catcakes ❤
Catcakes - I had a giggle the other night and meant to share it with you but it wasn't the right time. I watch prison shows (documentary kind of ones though I think I think most of them fall into the 'entertainment' rather than factual kind of category 😉) at night time. It's one of my little "things". In some strange way they make me feel less trapped I think. Anyway, the other night I had a random lightbulb kind of moment and thought to myself "oooh this is twisted self-care" and I said hi to you in my head at the time.
I hope you both (and anyone who stumbles across this post) have a weekend with lots of good in it 💛
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear👋🏼 I love that you were indulging in a bit of twisted self care and thinking of me 😊 I reckon anything that works is good and it’s different for everyone. I also like watching a variety of different docks. Have you seen the man with 7 sec memory..?.. so sad yet beautiful. Sometimes I watch 24 hrs in emergency, Sometimes British medical docks. NZ make some good ones too. This afternoon I hope to get some rest time, being out in the boat makes me tired . 👍🏼🌿
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @Catcakes. I hope you enjoyed fishing and that you got some rest after being on the boat.
I haven't seen that show though it sounds like something I'd enjoy. I agree that whatever works is good and that it can be different for everyone. I read over my post above and wanted to change it. I'd choose the words "more free" over the word "trapped" if I could write it again. Sometimes I feel like I lack freedom and in a twisted way those shows help with some perspective for me maybe.
I hope today has been good for you. I'm doing a quick forum pop-past before the owner comes over (again). Hoping to have a kitchen that works again properly by tomorrow.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear, I did have a nice snooze after fishing thanks. I understand what you mean about watching the prison shows making you feel more free. Maybe what you are practising is the comparison skill which is one of the C’s in the ACCEPT acronym in the Distress tolerance module of DBT. ( more classifications than a biology manual). I think my preference for watching docos about disabled, terminally ill , destitute or mentally ill people is for the same reason. It can sometimes make you feel as though your situation isn’t too bad after all. I say sometimes because at other times they can just increase my distress. I’m hoping you have a fully functioning kitchen by now as well . 🤞
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Glad you had a nice snooze yesterday @Catcakes.
I think I call it looking on the bright side (the acronyms annoy me). It's a funny one. As you said, sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I don't think too much when I'm watching stuff like that and that helps.
Kitchen will be totally out of order (not able to use water even) until tomorrow morning. Total pain with Sunday night and the food prep I would usually do for school lunches etc as well as dinner so we'll have to go out for dinner tonight. But it's been a frustrating couple of weeks living with it the way it is and I'm looking forward to being able to use it again.
Better head off again and get organised. I feel really blue but the littles are looking forward to going out for (another unhealthy - sigh) dinner and that's rubbing off. They want KFC (big sigh and ugh) but it is kind of funny considering two don't eat chicken. Circus.
Hope your afternoon/evening goes ok.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear
Carebear + turtle = teacup + rubber ducky. Waves big big big BIG now. Wrongness of the wrong super broke brain. All broken. Scared wrongness of wrong break CheerBear too cos CheerBear see, hear, feel.
CheerBear other stuff make sad too? CheerBear sleep ok? LF ok? Waves big big big now. Not always. Will pass.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
It will pass @Phoenix_Rising, You are strong and clever and buoyant .
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you so much for coming by @Phoenix_Rising (I am so thankful you did) even though there's a lot of all broken happening for you. There's 'sometimes feels like almost broken' happening here, but I am ok and it won't get to actually broken for me. Something the big bang taught me about me was that I will do what I need to do, even if it feels incredibly hard or scary or painful or not even close to being fair, in order to be ok. I trust myself to do what I need to do to be ok (maybe with some swearing and lots of ugly tears - but I would 😉 )
The little circus fish are good (you're welcome to fish-watch them if you'd like :P). The missing village is being very missed and the sad that causes is there often, but the rainbow lens glasses I own help with that (most of the time).
The waves are big and there is very big bigness now. But nothing is forever except for forever, right? I don't know what is going to happen (and I wish I could know that for soooo many things) but I do know that it can't and won't always be exactly like this.
And yep - teacup and rubber duck. They got through it on the last page of the story. I think they landed on a toy whale at the end - that could be fun?
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